Public displays of affection aren't for everyone.
Some people are fine with heavy petting and making out in front of an audience. Others are uncomfortable with holding hands.
But what if your family's rules about PDA only apply to one person for homophobic reasons?
A young man dealing with his family's hypocrisy turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Throwaway_967845 asked:
"AITA for (purposefully) acting 'inappropriate' with my boyfriend in front of children?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"We're both men. I'm 22 and my boyfriend is turning 21 in 2 months."
"My family was not happy when I came out, but they've mostly stopped voicing their opinions openly. I know they still talk about it in private, but at least they don't say anything to our faces."
"It took some time for them to warm up to my boyfriend, but now they actively include him in conversations."
"My 87-year-old grandma called him a 'very lovely young man' while pinching his cheek which is a very high form of approval from her. My grandmother doesn't approve of our relationship either."
"She likes my boyfriend as a person, but refuses to acknowledge our relationship. To her he is 'such a good friend and it's so great that we even live together'. But she also has early dementia, so it's possible she just forgot."
"The one thing they still don't like us to do in front of them is when we act like a couple. They actually try to keep us separate most of the time to not give us the chance to do something as scandalous as hold hands or kiss."
"No one bats an eye if my siblings or cousins openly show their affection for their partners. Most of the time they get a comment like 'you make such a great pair' or something like that."
"This afternoon we were invited to one of my cousin's birthday. At some point my boyfriend and I were alone in the kitchen and I, thinking he looked very cute and kissable in that very moment, committed the ultimate sin."
"I called him something along the lines of 'my pretty doll' and gave him a quick kiss."
"Of course one of my cousins had to enter the kitchen at that exact moment and—because she is a 5-year-old who probably didn't know that we're a couple and has never seen us be affectionate—ran off to excitedly tell the other kids what she saw, which was met with the typical childish reactions of disgust mixed with curiosity."
"My favorite was actually my nephew asking me if that means that my boyfriend is my wife now."
"The adults didn't find that as funny though and I had to listen to my mother berate me for almost 30 minutes."
"When she finally let me go, my boyfriend asked if we could leave. I told him we'd stay for dinner and leave immediately after. Now comes the part where I might be (and probably am) the a**hole."
"I made a point of holding my boyfriend's hand while we walked back to the table and asked one of my nieces if she'd switch seats so my boyfriend and I could sit next to each other. During dinner I kept asking my boyfriend to hand me things on the table while addressing him by nicknames and giving him a peck on the cheek here and there."
"To say the mood was awkward would be an understatement."
"The adults just mostly ignored us and just glared at us every few seconds while the younger kids kept giggling every time I called my boyfriend 'darling' or 'sweetheart'. My boyfriend was uncomfortable and barely looked up from his plate."
"We left immediately after dinner was finished."
"My boyfriend was very quiet on our way home and when we got home he broke down crying. I comforted him as best as I could, but I know it's my fault that he's upset as well."
"We've been together for almost 3 years, he knows what I'm like."
"Later this evening, my mother also sent me a long message telling me that 'our behavior' was immature and inappropriate. That, until we'd stop forcing our choices on everyone, we wouldn't be welcome at another family gathering."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I purposefully called my boyfriend by nicknames and repeatedly kissed him in front of my family even though they disapprove of us being affectionate when there's children present."
"It made my boyfriend uncomfortable."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were split in their responses with some even giving more than one judgment.
"NTA for how you handled your family. You were just there living your life and initially still being discreet, even though you shouldn't need to be."
"Family is the one safe space you should be able to be yourself. Besides, you gave your boyfriend a little smooch, it's hardly 'forcing your choices' on anyone."
"You didn't ask them to participate in some kind of gay orgy or stick your tongue down his neck over the dining table, you just expected them to respect your right to behave like a human being with their partner."
"The kids didn't even sound like they cared about what they saw, they're way more accepting than adults."
"However, YTA for how you treat your boyfriend. You should really apologise to him."
"Your family don't deserve you guys to stay there and prioritise them over him when they're the ones in the wrong, and making a point to them shouldn't be more important than his comfort either."
"The moment he asked to leave you should have agreed, rather than making him stay in a hostile environment so that you could use him as a pawn to make your point."
"You could have excused yourselves and taken the high ground and just sent your family a message afterwards telling them how disappointed you were with their behaviour." ~ Altruistic-Front4929
"ESH, you were totally fine in the start and I was ready to complain about those homophobic a**holes and say NTA. However, exposing your boyfriend at the table when he was visibly uncomfortable makes you a little bit of an a**hole, sorry."
"Hopefully you can apologize and you two can talk it out. Communication is key going forward, especially around how he wants to be treated around your family, if he's even ok with seeing them again." ~ AdoteUmGatoPreto22
"Huge YTA. If the boyfriend was in on the plan/played along happily, it would be a NTA from me, no question. Your family sounds like a bunch of bigots. No harm for the kids to see that same-sex couples exist and can be happy and affectionate together."
"But your boyfriend was unhappy and uncomfortable, and instead of genuinely caring for him, you turned him into some tool/prop for making a point to your family, and that's just a huge dick move."
"In this situation, you could have made a point just as easily by leaving ASAP, like he wanted, and then telling your parents that if they're uncomfortable with your sexuality, well, you're uncomfortable with their homophobia and if they want to keep having you in their lives, the rules of your interactions have to change." ~ Ravelte
"NTA for doing that to your family. I'm sure the hetero folks are affectionate without a single thought. YTA for doing that to your boyfriend, tho."
"He didn't want to stay and you made him stay while putting on a show for the family—that's super uncool. If in the same situation, I would have checked in with my partner first—how uncomfortable for him." ~ RenaH80
"NTA for doing it in front of your family but you ARE the a**hole for making your BF so uncomfortable and pulling him into that situation."
"That is so terrible. You should have left! Not stayed for dinner!" ~ adriennesmith-artist
"When it comes to family not the asshole (NTA). When it comes to your boyfriend very much the asshole (YTA)."
"It was immature, you need to apologise and make the effort to not put him in that situation again. You need to let him express how you hurt him and not throw it onto your family and their behavior. They chose their behavior, but you chose yours." ~ Marsh-Mallow-13
"I was NTA until the dinner. You pushed it too far. I am struggeling a bit, but I will stick to NTA just because your family are awful—not the kids."
"Apologize to your bf though. You put him in the line of fire, and that is not cool." ~ HereWeGoAgain-1979
Others thought everyone sucked (ESH), which is what an NTA and YTA judgment should be.
"ESH. Your family are homophobic, hypocritical a**holes since they're allowing heterosexual displays of affection, but freaking out over yours."
"But you're an inconsiderate a**hole for not running your revenge past your boyfriend before doing it."
"Justified? Yes. But you should have asked your boyfriend first then respected whatever his response was." ~ LakotaGrl
"ESH—except your boyfriend and the kids."
"Okay, so they're not quite comfortable with this yet. They're a**holes for that. But you made your boyfriend uncomfortable to prove a point, you're an a**hole for that." ~ jrm1102
"Yeah, holy cow, his poor boyfriend (bf). I do not think OP was an a**hole to his family, not one bit. He was being petty, but it's also not like he was making out with his bf or groping him."
"Nothing he did was inappropriate. But where he absolutely is an a**hole is for putting his poor boyfriend through this. God, that must have been so awful and uncomfortable for him."
"OP, you should have just told off your family and left. You don't owe your family an apology at all, but wow you better be groveling to your boyfriend. He now does not trust you to look out for him or care about his comfort."
"You honestly may have damaged your relationship. Also it's pretty a**holey to behave that way to be petty, instead of behaving that way because you want to demonstrate affection to your significant other."
"I'd be pretty upset if like my bf and I ran into his ex and he started being way more into pda than he usually is to make her jealous. He would never do that, though."
"That being said, my judgment is ESH except for the bf and the kids. The rest of the adults in the family are f*cking awful, and OP was horrible to his bf." ~ lowkeydeadinside
While few faulted the OP for his reaction to his family, most found him inconsiderate to his boyfriend.
Hopefully, he puts his partner's needs first in the future.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp