Everyone has their own measures for a successful relationship and what they consider to be green flags and red flags in the relationship.
Unfortunately, the red flags sometimes stay hidden until it feels like it's too late to end the relationship, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor mourningglory was in the process of moving his girlfriend and her son into his home, and they had the intentions of being to try to conceive a child.
But when he started to catch hints of how she felt about his trans brother who was also living with him, the Original Poster (OP) began to question the future of their relationship.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my girlfriend that my loyalties lie with my baby brother?"
The OP recently accepted his younger brother into his home to try to help him.
"My little brother recently moved in with me. It was a huge shock at first; my brother, Will (17 Male)."
"I (34 Male) had no idea he was trans or even questioning his gender. He always seemed perfectly happy as a girl, y'know, he was very feminine-presenting and all."
"As it turns out, he came out to our parents after getting his hair cut, and they didn't take it well in the slightest."
"From what he's told me, he wasn't exactly kicked out, they just started being unbearable. They were calling him 'Myla' in every sentence they said (just to annoy him, I suppose), Mum kept booking him in for appointments to get hair extensions and his lashes done, our dad didn't let him wear the male uniform to sixth form, and so on."
"It got so bad that he literally took a train from down south to up the north to ask if he could live with me. Of course, I said yes. The house is big enough to have him live there, there are four bedrooms and an attic room."
But the OP's girlfriend didn't take the new roommate situation very well.
"My girlfriend, Nico (32 Female) was irritated when she found out. We've discussed her moving in before Will came, and now she's telling me that she will not move in until Will leaves."
"I've explained to her that Will isn't a child we'd have to constantly supervise, that if anything he's the one making the place more liveable (he's very insistent on adding on to the home decor and so on, as well as being better than me at cleaning), and that the house is large enough to still have privacy even with him around."
"Nico's argued that it's not truly 'ours' if Will is always there, that we won't be able to start trying to conceive, that she's not willing to live with a 'hormonal and rebellious' teenager, and that she's just flat out uncomfortable with Will being near her and living with her and her son (10 Male) in the same home."
Nico's concerns started to divide the relationship and the family.
"Ultimately, I've told her that my loyalties lie with my baby brother, who is homeless and vulnerable, unlike the grown woman with a good-paying job and a home of her own."
"She's called my mum up to complain about it, and she's said that I was in the wrong for prioritizing Will."
"Will himself said that he doesn't want to be 'causing problems' in my relationship."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned or were disgusted by the OP's girlfriend's skewed motivations.
"NTA, I love that you are protecting your brother. Have to say I'm rather confused that your girlfriend has a younger child to look after and expects you to welcome that child, but can't extend the same to you AND goes running to your unaccepting parents to make you toe the line." - Summer-Sunbeam
"Whether it has to do with his gender identity or not, your girlfriend is telling you that a minor over whom she feels protective is more important than a minor over whom you feel protective because of technicalities."
"They're both underage, they're both in need of love, support, and guidance, and they're both family. She doesn't care that he's actually helpful; she cares that she's not going to have the perfect nuclear family she envisioned RIGHT NOW."
"She thinks her comfort is more important than your brother's safety, and that's fu*king atrocious. She's willing to let someone you love go back to being abused and mistreated because 'she doesn't like it.'"
"Tell her to f**k off." - MurphysRazor
"Why would she be uncomfortable? Annoyed, yeah ok. Irritated, sure. But uncomfortable? And she called his mom to show reason to OP, the woman who was so transphobic she made the OP's brother feel the need to move away."
"I'm sure she's lovely in other aspects, I love to think good of people, but this would be a big red flag for me."
"I would have to decide if this was the type of person I'd want in my family. Or to have a child with. If our child decided to transition, would they be uncomfortable with them? I hope OP doesn't let this slide and sees it for what we see." - bettyannveronica
"My generous interpretation? She doesn't have a lot of or any experience with teenagers. Maybe she associates teens with 14- to 15-year-olds and thinks that's what she will be dealing with? As a teacher who teaches freshmen (ages 14 to 15), it can be a lot. That still doesn't excuse her behavior, but if you haven't had experience with that age group, it's easy to mess up expectations."
"What has me doubting my generous interpretation is that she contacted Will's mom. Why complain to parents that basically kicked their kid out? If I would be calling them, it would be to tell them to stop being s**tty parents, but that's me." - sreydenk
"First, make sure that your bro knows he is not in any way causing problems."
"I just want to point out that your girlfriend also said that the house won't truly be 'ours.' Your house is not at all hers. It is yours, and you can invite whoever you want to live there."
"It is yours, and you're allowing her to live there with her child. I really hope she's paying her half."
"Sorry, but I'd never let her move in with that attitude alone. Nevermind her attitude toward your brother. Might want to put the brakes on the conceiving."
"Oh, and calling your mom? That shows me that she really didn't care when you told her, if you told her, what was going on between your parents and your bro. She just thought if your parents and her put enough pressure on you, you'd cave. But we know you won't because you're a good person who loves his brother." - mentalcomposer
Others pointed out the transphobic vibes they picked up on in the post.
"Okay, I can't be the only one who picked up on it."
"Your girlfriend is uncomfortable having your little brother around her and her child."
"And you're not getting transphobic vibes here?"
"Well, I am, all the way from across the pond."
"Look, I'm just a random internet stranger, and I'm not comfortable having a transphobe around Will."
"Here's hoping you see the light and kick her to the curb where she belongs."
"NTA." - 5footfilly
"I'm getting strong transphobic vibes from the girlfriend. OP is great for standing by his brother, who is as much his family as his girlfriend's son is hers. Keep the brother, ditch the girlfriend."
"OP's parents also suck. They can go f**k themselves, along with my parents, and anyone else who treats anyone badly because of race/sex/gender/orientation/religion etc." - StraightArachnid
"The fact that she doesn't want him around her son is a big red flag. I definitely got the feeling she thought he would do something to her son, which is a transphobic position. Is Will gay or into women? Just asking because if he was feminine while afab, it is possible your girlfriend is projecting that means he is a danger to her son, which is also a bigoted position." - bullzeye1983
"Using someone's correct name and pronouns is the bare minimum. Tolerating trans people isn't the same as supporting them. Maybe you need to sit down with her and sort out which of those two sides she's on. And hopefully, you make the right choice from there." - squirrelygirly412
"I want you to know how amazing you are."
"My older sister is trans and is completely cut off from our entire family. I'm the only family member who is still a part of her life. It blows me away that they would cut her off since she is a great person. I was the first person she came out to, and I immediately just wanted to protect her from what was going to happen."
"It makes me so happy to know that you have the same reaction and are willing to be there for your brother."
"P.S. Sadly, your girlfriend is likely transphobic." - SmallPurplePeopleEater
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in another post.
"Will is moving back home to our parents. It was something that I can't say really came out of the blue as my parents have been ringing and texting, trying to convince him to come back, h**l, they even involved his sixth form. It still surprised me nonetheless."
"He let me know that he's planning to go back home next Monday. He said that he thinks the two, almost three, weeks of living with me have probably let our parents calm down about the situation; plus, he's missing his boyfriend and is worried about totally messing up his education. I've been trying to convince him to stay, but he's adamant that he'll deal."
"I was surprised, I can't lie; we've been trying to resolve the education issue by trying to find a sixth form near us to enroll him in. I think it's a rash decision, it's even making him ill, he's been throwing up and he's got rings around his eyes like he's barely sleeping."
"In regards to Nico, we haven't broken up. I've been distant with her, and in all honesty, I'm unsure of how to carry on. She's insistent she has no issue with Will being trans, but I don't know how well I can trust her."
"She dropped by yesterday afternoon to give Will some old CDs that she thought he might enjoy, I guess to extend an olive branch, but neither of us is too keen on her moving in yet."
Based on the comments, the subReddit likely wouldn't be too happy to hear that Nico was still in the picture, given the vibes they had picked up from the OP's initial posting. Fortunately, the OP still had time to make a decision about whether to continue the relationship and to let her move in and whether or not he could convince his younger brother to continue to live with him.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp