A big moment in any relationship is bound to be when a partner meets their parents for the very first time. It's a nerve-wracking experience for practically anyone.
The last thing someone would want to do is mess up that first impression, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor throwaway__467 knew how much her adult son was looking forward to her and her husband meeting his girlfriend, who he was "crazy about," for the first time.
But when his girlfriend made a sex joke right away, the Original Poster (OP) decided it was time for the meeting to be over.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for kicking my son's girlfriend out of our house?"
The OP was looking forward to meeting her son's girlfriend.
"My husband (58 Male) and I (56 Female) recently met my son's (24 Male) girlfriend for the first time. He's been crazy about her. Apparently, they'd been dating for a year before he decided to have her meet us officially."
"What he's told us about her all seems great: she just got her degree, was enjoying her job, is family-oriented, etc., and I'm honestly just glad he's happy with her."
"My husband and I don't think he's ever been this into someone before, so I feel pretty bad about what I did."
But the girlfriend did not make the best first impression.
"Last weekend, he brought her over for dinner. By then, we'd been anticipating meeting her with how much our son had been gushing about her. How perfect she is, that she's 'the one', in his words."
"They rang the doorbell. We opened the door. She looked exactly like her pictures, which is a great start. My son was grinning ear to ear - another great start."
"We invited them in. She accepted my hug and a firm handshake from my husband, and then she opened her mouth: 'I'm the one your son puts his penis in.'"
The joke did not go over well.
"To be frank, I was appalled. I expected my husband to laugh (both he and my son are jokesters, and as annoying as it can be, I love it), but THIS was just too much for me."
"Maybe I'm reserved, but of all things that she could have shared about my son, she told us THAT. One look at my face and my husband knew how much I disapproved."
"Maybe I let my expectations get too high, and it's unfair to have them, but I reiterate: of all things to say to her boyfriend's parents, whom she'd never met, she chose THAT?"
"My son was amused at first, but when he noticed my reaction, his face dropped."
The OP felt conflicted over how she reacted.
"I felt like he'd sold me the full package, everything he'd always been looking for in a girlfriend. I was too disturbed by the visuals it put in my head, and it translated into anger."
"I told her to get out, and I wanted to say more about how gross it made me feel but I, fortunately, left it at that."
"My son didn't want to go, insisting I give her another chance, but I was too fed up and uncomfortable by this point."
"Even my husband, who's enjoyed his fair share of raunchy jokes, wouldn't let up."
"They left and I immediately felt guilty. This was something my son had really looked forward to, and I feel like I took that away over a dumb joke."
"I tried calling to apologize, but he hasn't responded."
"My husband thinks she's the one who should apologize."
"I'm considering giving her another chance, but before I do, was I the AH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed that was not the opening remark anyone should make.
"NTA. I'm pretty liberal and open-minded, but FFS (for f**k's sake), I'd never lead with that meeting my boyfriend's parents for the first time. Or say that, EVER."
"Like, seriously? You opened the door and that's what flies out of her mouth?"
"Was she nervous? Did she seem embarrassed at all? Did she try to apologize? Is there anything that could explain her inappropriate outburst?"
"You apologized. Wow. Hats off to you."
"Neither of you can do anything to change what happened, and it's up to her to accept the apologies or not. Don't beat yourself up. If she is decent at all, she'll understand. If she's not, then maybe good riddance?"
"If she doesn't call back to apologize, or explain (if there's anything to explain), that also says a lot. It's more than what she said. If you apologized, it's also about her desire to meet you in the middle, you the mother of the boyfriend she loves. Grace goes both ways, and you extended yours by apologizing. If she was offended, she should do the same." - Mamamamymysherona
"I'm married. I also have a pretty ballsy sense of humor. I'd NEVER say anything like that to my husband's parents… NTA. But give her another chance." - heatherlj88
"My husband and I have been together twelve years, married 10 with two kids, and I would NEVER EVER think of saying something like that to my MIL."
"She did crack a joke about sex once about a year ago, but that's the closest we have ever come to discuss it. No way in h**l, this chick is off her f**king rocker." - cullymama
"I can't even imagine saying this to my MIL now after a couple of babies and 10+ years together."
"Like how was OP supposed to react? Laugh and then come back with an equally raunchy joke about her son's penis?"
"I have a feeling if OP would have opened with, 'So, you're the one my son's been putting his penis in,' it would not have been well-received, and for good reason. That kind of joking is reserved for people who know each other well or strangers while drunk." - sleepygrumpydoc
"I'm married, and when I got pregnant, I had this moment of feeling uncomfortable. My parents and in-laws would know for sure I had had sex and even roughly WHEN. Before that, we could all just pretend it didn't happen..." - ashbash528
Others were glad the OP had apologized and hoped the couple would do the same.
"I'd give her another chance but the OP already apologized and the girlfriend hasn't said anything. The girlfriend should just apologize and say they were nervous about it." - scienceisnice
"To be fair, we don't know that the girlfriend has had a chance to apologize or say anything. Mom apologized to her son, and HE hasn't responded, it's not like OP has the girlfriend's number."
"I also feel like it is the type of joke a character on a TV show would say. I know some people who would make this joke meeting a partner's friends, where it might land. I can also see some of them panicking, making the joke in this bad context, and feeling stupid immediately after."
"But I'm also a person who doesn't think being vulgar and making a bad joke is a moral failing, the way this thread seems to feel so what do I know, lol (laughing out loud)." - filmkid21
"NTA. This just doesn't sit right. You said your son was all big smiles and amusement when they arrived and up until he realized you weren't all that impressed."
"You also said he jokes around like that with his dad… What are the chances it was your son's idea all along and she just (regretfully) went along with it?"
"Because if that's the case, you probably can't get ahold of him because he's doing damage control with his girlfriend, who's now mortified and angry that his super funny joke gave you the WORST impression of her that she could imagine." - Munchkins_nDragons
"Honestly, even if it's not true, you'd be doing everyone a favor to bring up to them your suspicion that it was your son's idea, which offers them the 'out' of letting them pretend it was all the son's boneheaded (like, 'heh, couldn't help myself') plan."
"Whether she... has Tourette's; or panicked in the moment and succumbed to an impulsive thought; or if it was your son's idea, or any number of other things that will be suggested. This would send them the message that the thing they did was both inappropriate and a line was crossed, but also more indicative that *she* gets a complete do-over, no marks."
"You're not going to pry further into why it happened because you already have a feasible explanation. Way less guilt and embarrassment in her trying again."
"This will also give you a truer chance to find out if the girlfriend is bad news. Such a gracious response absolutely requires her to be on her best behavior from here on until you indicate loosening up. So further foolishness becomes absolutely indicative." - LadyMacGuffin
After receiving feedback, the OP made it clear she was hoping to move the family's relationship forward.
"I should clear some things up:"
"My husband had no part in my reaction, I did the kicking out, not him. I don't want him taking the fall for this. He said she should apologize, but I'm not expecting an apology. Sorry for the confusion."
"My son lives in a nearby state, and it can take about an hour to get back to where we live. He also hasn't dated anyone seriously for a while, maybe a couple of years. He told us before that he wouldn't bring anyone home unless he was sure he wanted a future with her. We've been asking to meet her ever since he told us about her, but he wanted to be ready."
The OP also clarified her "like her picture" comment.
"The comment about her looking like her picture shows my age, sorry for that! He's only shown us the photos she's sent him as he apparently didn't have any of them together (he hates taking pictures and apparently she's always teasing him about it)."
"I don't think he'd ever lie about who she is, but it's just a parental concern I've subconsciously had. I felt the same way about my daughter's (then) boyfriend when we first met him. I don't have any criteria that either of my kids' spouses need to meet, I just hope my kids are happy with them."
"What I meant by her being 'the full package' was indicative of what he's told us about her. As his parents, we have a good idea of what he looks for in a partner and she checked off everything based on what we'd been told. And on top of everything (aside from what she said) her appearance was how she presented it to be."
"Again, we aren't strict about appearances, it's just a relief to have met someone for the first time and they look like what you'd expected. My husband said that I was worried about 'second-hand catfishing' if that's even a thing, lol (laughing out loud) I guess it shows how anxious I was about this."
The OP wanted to put all of this behind them.
"I personally think everyone needs some room for improvement here, but I've done my part to make amends, and I'm waiting on my son to call me! I'll be sure to give an update about how it goes."
The subReddit was appalled right alongside the OP, wondering what would bring anyone to make this kind of statement upon first meeting their partner's parents.
Since the OP wanted to move forward with her relationship with her son, however, and wanted to see him be happy, the subReddit was also grateful that she was willing to move past this remark and try again.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.