For some people, it’s second nature to worry about our loved ones, resulting in their calling or texting frequently to check in.
Others might feel less inclined to do so, even if they still possess the same amount of love and concern
Redditor neyha97 seems to fall into the latter category, and her girlfriend does not seem to appreciate this about her one bit.
Concerned that maybe this behavior needs changing, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole (AITA), asking fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not checking on my girlfriend?”
The OP first explained the living situation she shares with her girlfriend, as well as her girlfriend’s occasional pattern when returning home.
“So last night I called my girlfriend on her way home from work.”
“At 11:02 she told me she was five minutes away from home.”
“I told her I had some homework to do, so we hung up and I focused on finishing before she got home.”
“I finished around 11:20, but she still hadn’t come home.”
“I checked her location and it said she was in the parking garage of our apartment.”
“Sometimes she sits in her car talking on the phone with her family when she gets home from work, or she’ll sit in the car and watch TikToks/Netflix so she can finish a show.”
“This means sometimes it takes her ten to fifteen minutes to actually come upstairs once she gets to the garage.”
“I saw she was home, so I didnt worry.”
It did not go unnoticed by the OP’s girlfriend she did not think to check in when she arrived home far later than she said she would.
“At 11:30 she came bursting through the door asking why I hadn’t called to check on her.”
“I explained that I thought she was just sitting in the garage like she usually does, so I didn’t feel the need to worry.”
“She asked me why I didn’t think to confirm my assumption, and I said I didn’t want to be overbearing or possibly interrupt her talking to her family.”
“She started explaining how this made her feel like I don’t value her safety and we don’t see eye to eye on this kind of thing.”
“She mentioned how every time I’m a minute late to anything she calls to check on me (which is true) but I never do the same for her.”
“We intend to travel together next year, but she said she no longer feels comfortable doing that when she feels like I don’t care about her safety when she’s downstairs.”
“It turns out that she actually was just sitting in the car watching a Netflix show, so it’s not like she was in danger.”
“I feel this entire argument was blown out of proportion.”
“On one hand, I probably should’ve called her as soon as five minutes had passed, even if I did see that she was in the garage.”
“On the other hand, it’s not unusual for her to sit in her car before she comes in.”
“So, AITA for not calling to make sure my girlfriend was safe even though I knew exactly where she was at and what she was doing?”
“I feel it’s important to mention we’re both women. She’s 21 and I’m 23.”
“There have also been plenty of other times where she’s sat in her car and I didn’t check in.”
“I used to check in, but once she explained what she was doing I stopped checking in and just assumed that she was hanging out in her car.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation.
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
There was a unanimous consensus the OP was not the a**hole in this particular situation.
Several Redditors agreed the behavior of the OP’s girlfriend was childish and uncalled for, and put the OP in a position where she was destined to fail.
“NTA- she’s mad that you failed a wildly immature test you didn’t know you were being given?”
“How is this anything but childish?” – littlebeanonwheels
“NTA this girl is manufacturing scenarios for the sole purpose of getting upset.” -meadsoda
“NTA. She sounds exhausting.” – Lola_M1224
“NTA and I think it’s really disgusting when a partner secretly ‘tests’ their SO.” – Scotterwho
“Your girlfriend’s a bit over dramatic.” – Luce_1993
“NTA. Was she sitting out there on purpose to see if you’d check on her?”
“Red flag, and sorta like crying wolf.” -Little-0-Flower
“NTA she’s looking for a reason to fight…what did she do?”- WavesnMountains
Others agreed it was especially unfair for the OP’s girlfriend to get upset when she knew what her common routine was upon arriving home.
“NTA, there is no reason/requirement for a partner to verify their SO’s safety when they are acting in a manner consistent with their normal routine.”
“Your girlfriend (gf) probably shouldn’t travel if she has such unrealistic expectations of a partner.-Kristishere
Some felt the behavior of the OP’s girlfriend wasn’t healthy, and was a sign she might need professional help.
“Nta the fact that she calls when ur a minute late isn’t even the good thing she’s passing it off to be.”
“It’s a sign of anxiety more than caring.”
“And u did check on her u checked her location and it had only been a half hour since u talked.”
“Ur gf sounds like she needs therapy.” – helpwhyamiadinosaur
At least one Redditor felt this whole encounter meant the OP and her girlfriend needed to have a serious discussion about each of their expectations regarding their relationship.
“Out of curiosity…when she calls because you’re a few minutes late, does it make you feel cared about, or jealously controlled?”
“Because that would really bug me.”
“She sounds like she wants you to pay attention to her even when she isn’t there.”
“It also sounds like she wants you to be a mind reader, and is punishing you for failing an impossible task.”
“Above all, it sounds like she’s striving to win stupid prizes.”
“If you decide you want your relationship to continue, the two of you need to discuss love languages in depth, and what is necessary to make each of you feel loved.”
The OP subsequently admitted her girlfriend calling to check in on her as frequently as she does often feels more controlling than anything else.
“Good point with the calls! “
“I always feel like a teen who has missed curfew when she calls.”
“When I say I’m a minute late, I mean she thinks I’ve spent too much time at the dog park or the grocery store.”
“I guess her calls are more rooted in control.”
The OP went on to say she sometimes feels like she’s in a competition with her girlfriend.
“Yeah! It does feel kinda like that kind of competition!”
“Whenever we have these arguments her final point is always ‘it’s okay, I guess we just love each other differently/we don’t love each other the same way/we have different definitions of love’ and I feel like that negates all the other ways I show her love.”
While a little competition has always been considered healthy, it might not be the best thing for a relationship.
Particularly when the competition is who loves the other partner more.
Here’s hoping these two can find a way of sharing their love, without one half of them feeling neglected or controlled.