We all have our own list of things that we want from a relationship as well as the things that we would absolutely not be okay with happening in that relationship.
For a relationship to really work, a new couple should discuss those relationship goals and relationship deal breakers right at the beginning of their time together, stressed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
While attending a friend's birthday party at a club, Redditor sooyass was shocked when his girlfriend gave the birthday girl a gift and then gave her a second gift by passionately making out with her while everyone watched and recorded them together.
When everyone insisted it wasn't a big deal and that he should find it 'hot,' the Original Poster (OP) questioned if he was overreacting by being furiously hurt by this.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for dumping my girlfriend because she passionately kissed another girl at a birthday party?"
The OP's relationship ended at a birthday party at the club.
"My (25 Male) and my ex-girlfriend (23 Female) were together for two years."
"A few days ago, we hit up a club to celebrate her friend's birthday."
"After the birthday cake came out, everyone started giving their gifts to the birthday friend."
"When my girlfriend handed her friend her gift, she started kissing her passionately."
"Everyone gathered around to watch, whipping out their phones and s**t. My friends were cheering and recording it."
"I'm not homophobic or anything but seeing them kissing like that really made my stomach turn."
"When they kept on kissing I tried to break it up but they just kept going."
"When this bulls**t went on for more than a few minutes, I just couldn't take it anymore, so I left the club and texted my girlfriend that we were done."
The OP's ex-girlfriend and friends were all criticizing him for his reaction.
"She's been trying to reach me for three days now but I just don't wanna see her."
"That s**t doesn't turn me on, man; I hate it."
"My friends are like, 'If you're jealous of your girl kissing another chick, you're not a real man,' and 'Bro, she's not gay; they are friends; calm down.'"
"I'm not religious; I'm a nonbeliever. And I am not homophobic. But I have boundaries within a relationship, and I believe in being in a monogamous relationship."
"If she wanted something else, she should have discussed that with me at the beginning of our relationship, not expose me to it at a party."
"Anyway, I'm done with her and I ain't going back to that relationship."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his ex-girlfriend should have discussed her expectations upfront.
"NTA."
"If she wanted you to accept a rule that would allow her to make out with her female friends, that would have had to be something she brought up in advance and talked to you about before she did it, and you would have had every right to say no."
"Instead, apparently the rule is she does whatever the f**k she wants and notices that you don't like it and gets to keep doing it some more because your feelings don't matter."
"Your friends can keep her." - nylonvest
"NTA. She straight up disrespected your relationship and cheated on you right in front of you and everyone else."
"It does not matter if she 'isn't gay' or that she was kissing another girl. Clearly, she enjoyed it enough to do it for that long."
"Your friends seem like a bunch of unsympathetic jerks."
"Unless you and your girlfriend established boundaries that said that stuff was okay, then she violated your boundaries and cheated."
"Your feelings are valid and you owe her nothing. If you want to talk to her to hear what bulls**t she has to say, then that is up to you, but you don't owe her that." - funguy2211711
"It especially bothers me that he tried to pull them apart and she kept going. She KNEW it was disrespectful and she KNEW he was uncomfortable."
"She's twenty-f**king-three. Making these mistakes in high school is understandable, but she's waaayyyy too grown up to try and act like she didn't know exactly what she was doing. She's also too grown to take the 'but I was drunk so I shouldn't face consequences' route."
"Yes, girls make out with their friends when they're drunk (I'm one of them) but any reasonable person knows not to do so when you have a partner (unless the partner has said it's okay obviously)." - Dismal_Reputation522
"If I were the OP, I would have told the ex, 'You may not call it cheating, but I do. You were physically intimate with someone outside of our relationship. That is a hard boundary for me. You can hate me all you like for this, but your lack of respect for my feelings shows me that this was the right decision. Please don't contact me again.'"
"At least, that's where my head goes. I would follow that up by blocking her everywhere. I'm sorry she did this to you. NTA." - virtualchoirboy
"As a lesbian woman, I can say you are 100% not homophobic. You are actually less homophobic than your ex, who is saying how two women kissing is a spectacle to be fetishized (big yikes) and how you should 'enjoy.' But it is gross if you are not into polygamy!"
"She cheated and diminished your feelings. It's awful and I'm sorry dude." - kcto-oaxaca
"NTA."
"You're allowed to define cheating however you choose, and you're allowed to date (or not date) anyone you wish for any reason you choose. That particular situation must've been pretty traumatizing with how public and uncomfortable it was."
"To your friends who don't get it: it's not their business. You don't climb into their beds with their significant others, they should stay out of yours. Don't drop the soap in the shower around that bunch if they think sexual orientation overrules the definitions of cheating. Would love to hear their thoughts on the flexibility of consent while they're making idiots of themselves."
"And even if you did want to think, 'Well, it was just kissing,' then where is the line?"
"Is it just sexting? Is it just kissing? Is it only a short-term affair? Is it only a two-year affair? Is it okay for you to kiss a girl you don't find attractive? Is it okay to have sex with a girl you don't find attractive? What if you don't really enjoy it, it doesn't count as cheating if you don't enjoy it right?"
"Turns out, you have a zero-tolerance policy for cheating. That's a good thing, makes you low drama and it's really not that hard, instead of cheating you actually get to do less, and nothing is better." - michuru809
Others were grossed out by the ex-girlfriend cheating but putting on a show.
"She not only cheated but was putting on a 'show' for people." - Kabc
"That's so humiliating for OP. I would've walked out and broken up with her even if it didn't turn into a show. But OP stood there and watched his girlfriend be unfaithful for several minutes? And even tried to break them up? Nah fam, that's disrespect to the highest degree." - Uninterruptible_
"I split with the mother of my kids for the same thing. I woke up on my couch and went to the kitchen... she was making out with her best friend while that girl's boyfriend watched. I noped the f**k out of there. No telling what happened after I left."
"I put everything of hers on the curb the next day when I got back from my parents."
"I totally agree with the OP's decision. This isn't on him at all." - Federal-Commission87
"She cheated. She cheated publicly. She cheated without even considering your feelings. That must have been humiliating, and I'm sorry." - welovegv
"Your ex-girlfriend is a fool. Suppose you started passionately kissing another woman (or even a man) in front of her and all your friends and kept it up for several minutes. Would that be OK?"
"I would have dumped her, too. She was not the kind of person I'd want a relationship with."
"NTA." - FitOrFat-1999
"NTA. Here is one woman's perspective. Good for you. She got what she deserved. She disrespected you in public."
"It does not matter if with a woman or another man, it was cheating and disrespectful."
"Tell your stupid friends to kick rocks. Keep blocking her and move on. She is not worth the mental health issues that come with her type of thinking." - WhatHappenedMonday
"Your friends sound like they spent too much time at frat parties or never graduated high school. Second, I've had a similar situation happen to me. That s**t ain't hot; it's disrespectful; for her to even think that's okay is crazy, bro."
"You tried to stop it, and it kept going, weird as f**k. It's a good thing you left her. She knows what she did, so don't give her closure. Unless you want closure, but I don't know why you would need it. Leave the one who shall not be named in the dark." - Hot_Professional6343
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"I've been thinking about what really led me to break up for a while. It's like 40% her kissing someone and 60% her turning it into some kind of show since everyone filmed it."
"After I posted about it, I decided to talk to her once to hear her out, and it happened on Valentine's Day, which made her think that I forgave her. I was pretty calm talking to her and told that I was serious about breaking up."
"She still thinks I'll come back to her once I calm down because she keeps posting stupid lyrics on Instagram like, 'This love ain't finished yet.'"
"She said, 'That kiss didn't mean anything. We were just drunk, and I thought you'd be cool with it. Guys like that.' She looked pretty sorry and apologized to me multiple times."
"We talked for about an hour, but she kept repeating herself."
"Every time I watch videos people sent me, I get angry all over again. It's disgusting to think she'd put on a show for horny dudes around her while ignoring her boyfriend's pleas to stop."
"That girl she kissed and her other friends keep texting me, and they're mad at me for blowing this up."
"I couldn't care less about any of them. I'm done. I can't fix it anymore."
The subReddit couldn't help but shake their heads at the girlfriend's logic and willingness to ignore her boyfriend's wishes while essentially gaslighting him completely.
By continually pressuring him to 'like' what she did and to 'be a man' about it, she and their friends were minimizing his feelings and disrespecting his values.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.