It’s easy to forget that when a relationship is going well, there can still be complications.
Couples still have to think about each other’s feelings and comfort levels, even if they’ve been together for a while, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor SadieSad2017 was surprised when her boyfriend took her credit card to pay for their breakfast but without asking her permission first.
When he wouldn’t return her calls, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she took it too far.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to give my boyfriend my PIN number after he took my credit card without consent?”
The OP was enjoying dating her boyfriend.
“I (24 female) have been seeing my boyfriend Martin (30 male) for 8 months.”
“He’s super funny and sweet. He’s currently out of job for health reasons, but he’s actively looking for a new job.”
“This was our first major fight, and I’m not sure whether I was at fault here.”
But then he did something the OP wasn’t expecting.
“Two days ago, we spent the night together, and he went to the store early in the morning to buy some groceries.”
“Unbeknownst to me, he took my credit card to shop with it.”
“I got woken up by him calling asking me to give him my credit card PIN number.”
“I was confused. I asked why, and he said he went grocery shopping with my card and forgot to ask me to give him the PIN before he left.”
“I got mad and felt quite violated. I told him I was sorry but I gave no permission for him to go out and shop using my card.”
“He sounded confused and said he was just trying to buy us breakfast and it only cost $20.”
“I said I was sorry but refused to give him the PIN number.”
“He obviously sounded upset and asked why.”
“I told him because he didn’t consider getting my permission to take my card and use it.”
“He said, ‘Alright then, guess no breakfast for us,’ and then hung up.”
“I called and called but no response.”
“He returned and handed me the card back and then went on to complain about how he was just trying to buy us breakfast and that he wasn’t intending on making a huge purchase.”
“I said I understood but it’s all about consent to me.”
“He seemed pretty irritated and upset, though he said it was fine.”
Her boyfriend wasn’t happy about how the morning went.
“He left after this and hasn’t returned my calls.”
“He then texted that he wasn’t intending on stealing from me and that he thought that I wouldn’t make such a fuss about it.”
“He also said that he DID get my permission when he called to ask for the PIN number.”
“But I feel like it’s just me feeling like he violated my boundaries.”
“He’s been upset since then, saying I ruined our time together by making a huge deal out of it and embarrassing him at the store by making him return the stuff he bought at the register.”
“Gosh! I feel like I was such an a**hole here but on the other hand, I think that he could’ve asked first.”
“I want to hear what you guys think of this.”
“AITA or not?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the boyfriend was being emotionally manipulative.
“He is emotionally manipulating you. This is all on him: he took your card without your consent. That’s the issue here. You’re not obliged to share your PIN with anybody. If it’s only $20 why didn’t he pay for it?”
“NTA.” – Reasonable_raccoon
“‘I was just trying to buy us breakfast.’ Nah, man, it sounds like YOU wanted breakfast and were going to pick some up for her to soften the blow.”
“$20 today can easily be $200 tomorrow. 8 months in, and he did this? Oh h**l no, dump his broke a**.” – mercuryretrograde93
“This is all followed by the silent treatment for not giving him his way and guilt-tripping you for ’embarrassing him.'”
“Manipulators are always charming in the beginning. Don’t let the charm fool you, these are serious red flags.” – ellieminnow
“He said called for consent when he phoned for the PIN, but he’s having a tantrum because she didn’t give consent? Consent isn’t coerced.” – PhDOH
“When he said he was asking for your permission, OP, this is 100% a lie. He absolutely at no point had your permission to have and use the card.”
“Did you say it was okay for him to take the card? No.”
“Did you say it was okay for him to use the card? No.”
“Did you give him the pin so he could use the card? No.”
“Did you tell him that you did not consent to him using the card and that he should bring it back? Yes.”
“If you do talk to this man, do not let him manipulate you. At no point did he ever ‘get’ your permission. Calling to ask for a pin is not obtaining permission.”
“Do not let him twist the story around. You are not the bad guy in this story.”
“The title only sounds horrible for you. This man took advantage of you being asleep, stole from you, then decided to buy you breakfast by using your own money.”
“Do not let him convince you that he did anything else.”
“And he will try this again.” – Jesoko
“In addition to the emotional manipulation, him taking the card, to begin with, was at best a lack of consideration for OP as a partner but more likely testing what she would be okay with when it comes to access to her money.”
“NTA.” – TogarSucks
“Plus, with most debit cards you can still process it as a credit transaction unless you intended to get cashback. That, combined with the boyfriend denying that he was going to steal when OP had not even suggested it, makes me think he was going to give himself some spending money, too.” – Beckylately
Others said this would definitely set a precedent with the boyfriend.
“Add the fact that if he got the pin out of her for $20, next time it would be $200.” – day-by-day-42
“Don’t. Let. People. Touch. Your. Finances.”
“This is exactly what happens. And then you wake up one day, 10 years married, and discover he has put you $20K in debt, all in your name, because his credit was too poor to even get a credit card in his own name.”
“My ex did this kind of thing. He would take cards without asking and the purchases got bigger and bigger over the years.”
“My ex was an alcoholic and I am still paying off alcohol purchases of his, even though he is 8 years sober and we are 1 year divorced after a 3-year separation. Still paying medical bills for his dog we put down in 2016. Even after he was ordered to pay half our credit card debt, I haven’t seen a dime.”
“Not only is OP NTA, but personally, I think this lack of boundaries is reasonable break-up material. Nothing you say will convince him that he should change. Poor boundaries will land you in scary places.” – ArcheryOnThursday
“Not to mention, to make online purchases, all he needs are the numbers, the code on the back, expiration number, and possibly the pin number. If I were you, OP, that card would be canceled and replaced with a new one. NTA.” – PoopieClater
“Oh, it wouldn’t have ended with the credit card. There would have been all kinds of boundary-crossing.” – beemojee
“I literally just an hour ago tried to get my husband to take my debit card in case he was short on funds for an errand he was running, and he looked at me like I was crazy.”
“Ten years married and I CANNOT get this man to just grab something out of my purse for me… He brings me the entire d**n bag every time.” – Osa_Esposa
“My ex f**ked up my credit by constantly trying to get credit cards in my name. Every time he would apply, it would make a big hit on my credit report.”
“The joke was on him, I already ran my credit into the ground as a teenager, so everything was denied. There was nothing I could do except wait for the inquiries to drop off.”
“That finally happened around 5 years ago, about 13 years after he and I broke up. Then I had to work on building it.” – duetmasaki
While the OP had conflicting feelings after her boyfriend’s reaction and refusal to take her calls, the subReddit insisted that she had done the right thing.
Not only was she not required to share her finances with her boyfriend, but her boyfriend had taken her card without asking. He also was demonstrating some serious, and troubling, emotionally manipulative behaviors to get what he wanted from his girlfriend, which may have had more to do with money than a romantic relationship.