We’ve been advised for decades that there are two vital topics that can make or break a marriage or long-term relationship: intimacy and sex, and financial management.
And as more people become mindful of equity over equality, more people are talking with their partners about how to divide up expenses and tasks.
These discussions sometimes lead to serious arguments, if not breaking up on the spot, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor KeyContribution5812 was looking forward to having her girlfriend move in with her, because she loved her and knew this move would help her girlfriend financially.
But when her girlfriend proposed how they could divide up their expenses, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t so sure that moving in together was such a great idea anymore.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for wanting my girlfriend to pay rent and utilities to live in my house?”
The OP and her girlfriend were in very different places financially.
“We’re both women so no sexist comments. We currently live separately and are talking about moving in together, except we’ve hit a snag.”
“She rents and pays roughly $3000 in rent, utilities, and insurance.”
“I outright own a house that my brothers gave to me as a graduation gift. My utilities, insurance, and property tax is roughly $2500 a month.”
“She makes about $50,000 a year while I make about $300,000.”
They couldn’t seem to agree on how to divide up their future expenses.
“All of this cumulated into the argument we’re currently in.”
“I asked her to pay $1250 a month when she moves in to cover the cost of living here. I thought that was a reasonable request since there will be two people living here and that’s half of my cost.”
“She disagrees and thinks it’s unreasonable since I’ll incur those costs whether or not she lives with me.”
“I asked her what she thought was fair and her first answer was that she shouldn’t have to contribute anything since the house was in my name and she doesn’t have ownership.”
The OP’s girlfriend proposed another idea that she balked at.
“That led to an argument until she relented and offered to pay based on our income. Since I make six times her salary, she said the only fair thing is for her to pay one-sixth the cost, so roughly 400 dollars per month.”
“I thought this was unrealistic, but she argued that it’s fair since I don’t even need her money because I don’t have a mortgage and make so much more.”
“I love her and never thought money would be an issue but here we are. What do you all think?”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some argued the OP needed to be more financially considerate of the woman she loved.
“YTA.”
“This is literally financial abuse. I can see splitting the utilities in half, but girl, you own the house. The insurance and taxes are on you.”
“Also, not going to lie, a person making 50k a year cannot afford a 3k rent. Your story doesn’t make sense. Unless your house is well over a million your utilities, insurance, and taxes being $2.5k a month makes no freaking sense.” – xxcatdogcatdogxx
“YTA. Paying proportional percentages is the most ethical thing to do. It’s not fair for her to have less of an opportunity to build savings than you do, especially when she gets none of the benefits of home ownership.”
“If you want to discuss the two of you splitting all home expenses equally, then I’m sure you’ll be happy to talk about putting her name on the house too.”
“I say this as the person who earns more in my relationship. I’d never ask my partner to split things straight down the middle.” – Constant-Bowl
“You’re making six times more than her and you asked her to pay? What the f**k is wrong with you? What do you need this money for?”
“Do you love her? Do you want to have some additional income from her? Do you want to raise her or teach her a lesson or maybe to show her how greedy you are?”
“YTA for even suggesting.”
“But yeah. Your hause, your choice, your rules. Have fun with the consequences of your decision.” – abetawuozek
“Yeah, the home equity bit is key. GF might be saving lots of money not paying $3k in rent, but she would also subsidizing an investment that will grow substantial wealth for OP in the long term. Not saying she shouldn’t contribute anything, but the original fifty-fifty ask is wild.”
“If I were in a position like this with someone I loved, I’d want to see them build investments and savings with the money they’d be saving on rent. If she’s been struggling with that salary and the current rental market for a while, she needs a chance to pay off debt and start building assets. Which, if you plan to have a long partnership, is a net benefit for both parties.”
“YTA” – Fun_Tradition3122
“I get the impression that OP doesn’t have a problem affording her housing, but she’s really offended about the idea that her girlfriend could be freeloading. And a lot of commenters are really offended about it, too.”
“Which, maybe they just can’t ever imagine loving someone enough that they’d let them live in their paid-for house for free. This is something they need to work out before they continue the relationship, because having that wide of a disconnect about finances will cause problems down the road.”
“I’m voting NAH, but I hope they can discuss their views on money honestly and without getting defensive. It’s a tough topic.” – Small_Spider_Liker
Others felt that the couple needed a financial compromise other than the OP’s idea.
“This is a hard one. She shouldn’t live there free of charge. She’d be contributing to the consumption of those utilities, so it’s not exactly fair of her to just use and not pay like others are suggesting.”
“However, based on her salary (compared to yours) and the fact that she doesn’t own the house, she shouldn’t be paying half. If you find her offer low, and she finds your offer high, find that middle ground. You’re supposed to love, respect, and like each other, so communicate!”
“If she still doesn’t like the compromise, don’t move in together. Gonna go with NAH for now.” – Juniperflyingskies
“Nah. People here have wild entitled takes and this is something I will bring up with further partners from now on.”
“Just because you make less or won’t ‘own’ the house doesn’t mean you shouldn’t contribute equally for the costs of where you live, for f**k’s sake. Whoever makes more worked hard to make more, and shouldn’t have to pay your bills just because you didn’t feel like getting a higher paying job.”
“OP makes so much more that I think it’s strange they didn’t offer to pay more, but her girlfriend demanding she lives there rent-free or only pay 400 when she makes 50k is MUCH worse.”
“She is paying for a roof over her head, same as if she was renting someone else’s apartment and she is using equal utilities, she should be offering to contribute half, Jesus Chr**t, y’all are wild.” – sigh1995
“NAH. Financials are often a problem. It’s not cool she feels entitled to live there free, regardless if you have an actual mortgage since there are still COL bills to be paid.”
“‘I don’t even need her money because I don’t have a mortgage and make so much more.’ I will say that’s gross because she seems to feel entitled to your wallet but it depends on how YOU feel about that.”
“You two need to do what works best for you and what you BOTH are comfortable with. Since you two clearly have different views on money, do make sure beyond these bills you talk through ALL kinds of money scenarios (what happens if she needs a new car? If there’s an emergency housing repair, etc.) before she actually moves in to avoid any unpleasant surprises down the road.” – Unable_Ad148
“NAH. This is discussing responsibility dynamics if you two were to ever marry.”
“I agree she shouldn’t be supplementing YOUR usage, but you shouldn’t supplement hers. She’s correct that you’re incurring your own costs if she doesn’t move in. Your bills don’t go up unless you start consuming more water and power by yourself, but they do if SHE moves in. Her moving in is saving her $3,000.00 and you’re not looking to gouge her, but you’re not looking to be taken advantage of.”
“Have her pay what’s over and above your normal usage. If you have some bills set on budget billing, have her set aside 15% because until the bill reflects actual usage, you will apply it to the bill when the change happens.”
“I’m shrugging my shoulders over the “house not being in her name, too” because it’s likely she doesn’t want to invest in half of a dwelling that she could just one day be kicked out of without any claim or right.”
“Maybe having her take over a utility bill outright would help?” – ferventlotus
“NAH. Both ways are ‘fair.’ You just need to find a middle ground. If you can’t find a point in between that satisfies you both then you’ll have bigger issues down the line.”
“I’m in a similar situation as you are… On the one hand, my partner hates the idea of paying rent anywhere, but if he had to, then he’s happy to pay me. And I don’t want to charge him more than I need to because it’s a bigger lift for him than it is for me. So we found a middle ground.” – discogagrawr
The subReddit agreed that some kind of agreement needed to be reached if this relationship and living situation were ever going to work, but they did not like the ideas the OP had come up with so far.
The girlfriend was closer to the right idea, the subReddit argued, because she shouldn’t be responsible for paying the property taxes and home insurance, since she was not a homeowner, but she could certainly help cover the utilities, since she’d be impacting the cost of the bill each month.