For parents, it can be so easy to write off a teenager’s behavior as “being a teenager,” when really it may be something more.
When it’s discovered what is actually going on, it’s important to help the teenager get back on their feet, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Slight-Taro-5480 knew that her daughter wanted a piercing and decided paying for it would be a way to lift her spirits.
But when her boyfriend rejected the idea, the Original Poster (OP) was furious.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for letting my daughter get a septum piercing, despite my boyfriend’s wishes?”
The OP’s and her daughter’s life changed after her husband passed away.
“My (36 female) daughter, ‘Maria,’ is in her junior year of high school and will be turning 17 in July.”
“She has been dating her boyfriend for a year now, and he is Black.”
“Her father passed away when she was 10.”
“I have been dating ‘Logan’ (35 male) for about 3 years, 4 years after my husband passed.”
“Logan met maria about 6 months into us dating, and they’ve gotten along great.”
Her daughter, Maria, was struggling.
“Maria has suffered from depression since her father died, along with some other mental issues. Last year, her grades dropped quite a bit, and her GPA went down below a 3.0.”
“This year, I made a deal with Maria. If she could get her GPA back up, and pass all her classes, then I would let her get a septum piercing for her birthday.”
“She was very excited about this and has been doing way better. Her gpa is a 3.1, and she has nothing below a C- right now.”
“A few days ago, she was showing me what piercing shop she wanted to go to for her septum, and Logan happened to overhear it.”
“He ignored it at the time, and Maria and I continued our conversation.”
Logan didn’t like the idea of the piercing.
“Later that night, when I was finishing up getting ready for bed, Logan asked if we could talk.”
“He said that he didn’t want Maria to get her septum pierced, and he felt like he should have had a say in our promise and agreement.”
“This is when I think I might be TA: I told Logan that while I do respect him and his wishes, he was not Maria’s father, and had no say in what I allowed my daughter to do.”
“I said maria and I made a deal, and I was not going to back down.”
Logan was furious.
“Logan got p**sed at me and said my daughter was going to look like a drug addict, and even went as far as to say that she only wanted her septum done to impress her ‘thug’ boyfriend.”
“This angered me, and I once again said that he was NOT Maria’s father and that it was disgustingly racist and stereotypical for him to say that about her boyfriend.”
“Logan ended up leaving and going to stay at a friends house.”
“Maria asked where Logan was in the morning, and I told her that he went to work early.”
“Logan’s mother ended up reaching out to me and said that Logan was basically Maria’s father now.”
“She said if I asked for forgiveness, Logan would be willing to come back.”
“I stood my ground and said I would not apologize or change my mind.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said Logan needed to respect the OP as Maria’s mother.
“NTA. She’s your daughter. You heard Logan’s reasoning and don’t agree with it.”
“He’s throwing a tantrum and his mom called you? Now that is unattractive.”
“You promised your daughter, and she kept up her end of the bargain.”
“Septum piercings aren’t permanent (without upkeep) and don’t have many side effects. So if she changed her mind in the future, it won’t affect her much.”
“Just remove the piercing and the hole should close, if I understand correctly. Even if it doesn’t close, it’s not as if she was requesting a big tattoo on her body of her current boyfriend’s name.” – throw_whey_protein
“The dude isn’t even her stepfather. That takes a lot of balls to call yourself the parent when you aren’t even married to the bio mom/dad. the only one who gets to decide he’s ‘basically her father’ is Maria.” – L3GI0N__1183
“Honestly, septum piercings are one of the best piercings to get. You can hide them with the right jewelry by flipping them up, they rarely reject, they don’t permanently damage anything, and if you decide to take them out and allow it to heal you have literally no idea it was even there.”
“I wish I would have gone with a septum during my rebellious phase instead of my dumb Monroe piercing that resulted in a permanent dimple over my lip and f**ked up my gums. NTA.” – TheRestForTheWicked
“THANK YOU FOR NOT ALLOWING A MAN TO DICTATE THE TERMS OF YOUR DAUGHTER’S BODY.”
“I see so many posts where women accept this and it’s so sad to see how society has beaten women down into doormats.”
“Thank you for sticking your ground. Keep it up, you’re being a great mum.”
“If things don’t work out with your boyfriend, I think it would be a wise conversation to have with your daughter about bodily autonomy and why you should not let anyone (or any man, because let’s be honest, that’s what the majority of women have to deal with) dictate what you should do with your body.”
“So many mothers neglect to teach their daughters valuable life lessons about saying no, what consent is, what abuse in a relationship looks like etc. You’re fighting the good fight. NTA.” – acer64
Others didn’t like Logan’s approach to fatherhood or body autonomy.
“WTF? He’s not ‘basically’ her father. She has a father. Just because someone dies doesn’t mean that role is just up for grabs.”
“She was 14 when you started dating this guy and she’s well aware that he’s not her father.” – barelybent
“He does NOT have any say over her decisions for her own body.” – mind_the_umlaut
“It gives me a hard ick that this grown man is objecting to the piercing because he won’t like how it looks and is upset that the boyfriend will.”
“Not trying to reach here, but it reminds me of how dudes who don’t want their SOs (significant others) to get cosmetic procedures talk, like, ‘I already think you’re beautiful, and who are you trying to look good for anyway?'”
“Like, I don’t necessarily think that he’s going THERE, but it does seem possessive and controlling in a really weird way.” – daz_bones
“He’s not her father, and unless she’s actually harming herself, no one gets a say about what she does for her body. You made a promise, he’s a racist, controlling, and he thinks he’s the one who’s owed the apology.”
“Dump him, OP. NTA. I’m sure your daughter is going to look boss!” – NightWitch66
“If your son/daughter is at an age where they are starting to want body mods, but aren’t old enough to consent for themselves, even if you hate it they are going to eventually do it anyway. May as well give them the tools to get it done right. (IMO) The best thing you can do for them is to make sure they are:”
“1: Absolutely going to a reputable piercer/tattoo artist.”
“2: Be aware of the healing process is for what it is they want. Any legit shop will have all the info you need/want.”
“(Some piercings are absolute B***HES to heal. Have had to abandon a few surface piercings and various cartilages for this reason. Possible rejections as well. Piercings are not just a quick thing. Aftercare is important as f**k.”
“Also, OP, your boyfriend is 100% the AH., and also apparently a judgmental racist. Thanks for being a cool mom. Hope your daughter loves her septum.”
“I’ve had mine since I was 16, (I am 29 now, and my mom consented for me back then and I loved her for it even though she absolutely hated it).” – Avantheline
“This is a ton of red flags. Keep Logan out of your lives. He will just get more controlling.” – obiwantogooutside