Redditor InternationalGood117 was excited to have his grandfather meet his girlfriend.
Everything seemed fine when they went out to dinner until the grandfather made a joke that the Redditor referred to as a typical “insulty” joke.
The girlfriend’s response to the joke indicated she wouldn’t be seeing grandpa again any time soon.
And when the girlfriend confronted the Redditor about how he handled the incident, he maintained his innocence.
Which led him to visit the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit where he asked:
“AITA for telling my girlfriend she overreacted after my grandfather made a dumb racist comment?”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
“So my girlfriend is and looks White but her mom is half Black and White and her dad’s White. Looking at her you could never tell she’s anything but White.”
“She also identifies as White.”
“I think that’s all relevant.”
“This past weekend we went out to a restaurant with my grandfather who stopped by to town. This would be the first time they’d meet and he’s my only surviving grandparent so I was excited.”
“Everything went fine the entire conversation until right before our check was about to come when my grandpa made a dumb racist joke about how he wanted to see if a table (of Black people seated a few tables away) would tip their waiter who also happened to be Black and that’s ‘something he has to see, should we order dessert and wait?'”
“And started laughing. My grandpa always tells stupid ‘insulty’ jokes and I thought we could just roll our eyes and ignore him.”
“My girlfriend got extremely upset and started cussing him out saying he’s racist and that’s she’s also Black and threw her drink on him before she took off. She didn’t even give him time to react it happened so quick.”
“It was such an overreaction.”
“My grandpa was so upset he wanted to call the police. I had to beg him as I called an Uber (we took her car and she just drove off) not to for literally an hour.”
“Afterwards I took my grandpa to my parent’s house and went straight to my girlfriend’s apartment. She had the nerve to scream at ME saying I didn’t stand up for her to grandpa.”
“I told her that I just spent the past hour begging him to not press charges for throwing a drink on him and she said he’s being a bitch over some water and he deserves it.”
“I told her she overreacted and it was a dumb joke and she kicked me out and blocked me.”
“I told my sister and she said I am the a**hole for not doing ‘anything’ even though I’m the one that convinced my grandpa to not press charges…”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Redditors had little sympathy for the OP’s personal dilemma.
“YTA, dude. Sorry you’re bad at standing up to your racist grandpa.” – RedDeadEddie
“YTA”
“So it’s a ‘joke’ to wait and see if Black people tip a Black waiter?”
“What’s funny about it?”
“If you can explain to me what is funny then I will change my judgement.” – OpinionatedAussieGal
“YTA.”
“So you somehow think that because she’s ‘White passing’ that she has to tolerate racist harmful bullsh*t from your family?”
“Yeah, no.”
“She didn’t overreact at all.”
“Racism is not a joke.” – CrystalQueen3000
“Just because she looks White or identify as White doesn’t mean she can’t get offended when someone makes a racist joke. Maybe she is offended for her Black family members.”
“Maybe she is offended for her maternal grandparent who is Black? Sure the way she reacted is a bit dramatic but the basis of her being offended is not.” – princesshibou
“I was raised by very wholesome Mennonite parents. They eventually divorced but are both incredibly kind, sweet people. They are friends with kind, sweet people.”
“There were plenty of times where a bunch of White adults would be around me at events, family gatherings, school plays, etc… I never heard anything resembling the ‘joke’ OP described.”
“I never heard any racial slurs .. nothing.”
“Then my sheltered a** moved to Chicago. I started dating a guy and we were getting serious so he invited me to meet his family at Thanksgiving dinner.”
“His father dropped the n-bomb before the potatoes even made it around the table.”
“It was so shocking to me I couldn’t come up with anything to say. I just got up, walked out and drove myself home.”
“I ghosted whole family.”
“My mom had met the ex-BF once when she came to visit me and had really liked him. She was sorry it didn’t work out until I told her what his father said.”
“She told me, ‘Nobody says that word casually or accidentally. And Jim never challenged it. That means there are bigger problems than just his father in that family’.”
“That’s the guide I follow now. I reject that sh*t, anyone who says it, and anyone who doesn’t push back on it outright.” – BroccoliFartFuhrer
“Whoa. YTA.”
“Your grandfather is a racist a**, and you just let it slide and laugh it off. And then knowing that he said that in front of your girlfriend and you didn’t blink an eye??”
“I almost went with E S H because I didn’t think your gf should be throwing drinks on people, but then I thought about it and your grandfather definitely deserves it. I can only imagine how many racist comments he’s made and has never gotten called out for it by your family.” – goldfishgiggles
“YTA and now single, congrats. The police would laugh at you’re old racist a** grandfather.”
“It’s irrelevant if she is seen as White or Black, your grandfather made a racist remark, in front of your girlfriend who has a half Black mother.”
“Enjoy being single dude.” – HarleyT5
“Yup. Totally agree.”
“GF’s mother is mixed race. GF is also mixed race. It seems OP has decided she’s ‘White’ as her reaction says otherwise. I mean it shouldn’t matter of course, but clearly it does to OP and family.”
“And tolerating grandpa’s racism shouldn’t happen regardless of the ethnic mix (or otherwise) of the audience. YTA.” – Daveii_captain
“YTA, how can you convince him not to press charges when the charges don’t exist? What exactly would he be pressing charges for?”
“Assault? Attempted murder?”
“She threw water on him and if he doesn’t want that to happen then maybe he shouldn’t be a racist AH, and you’re just as bad for enabling him, insulting your gf by not saying anything to his ‘joke’ and then expecting a gold star for telling him not to press non existent charges which is again enabling his entitled behaviour because he’ll think he’s being generous by not pressing charges.”
“When there aren’t any charges to be pressed, you and your grandad need a serious reality check.” – Alternative-Pea-4434
“YTA- my 78-year-old grandmother is very aware of racism, age is not an excuse. My partner is a POC and she often asks when she’s unsure, ‘Is that offensive? I’m not trying to be rude’.”
“Even if it has to do with people of other races, our family is highly mixed. We are White, while we have family (through marriage/adoption) that are from different backgrounds (White, Latino, Black, Asian).”
“My aunt thought it would be ‘funny’ not to tell my grandmother that my cousin’s fiancé was Black when she was supposed to meet him for the first time.”
“My grandma met him, hugged him and welcomed him into our family. My aunt ask what she thought/was she surprised since he’s Black because she wanted to see her reaction.”
“My grandma told her how awful she was for setting this poor man up to be discriminated against and how awful it would feel to be rejected by his new family. Age isn’t an excuse.” – Chick4u2nv
Redditors continued expressing their disdain for the OP for condoning racism.
The OP responded with an update but didn’t seem to take the criticism well.
“Ok I’m the a**hole even though I didn’t say the racist thing, didn’t throw the drink, just deescalated and I’M the a**hole here.”
“Let me guess if my grandpa did press charges I’d also be the a**hole. What the f’k could I have done differently?! I would have been wrong regardless of anything. Whatever.”
In response, Redditors tried to clue the OP in on why he’s the a**hole and not the victim.
“YTA. But I saw your update and let me help you understand. Your grampy is the AH because he is racist. The racist is always the AH. BUT Racism apologists are ALSO always the AH.”
“And, instead of being mad at gramps and telling him NOT to be racist, you scolded your gf for having a strong, angry reaction to obvious racism. That’s like scolding a person that just got punched for crying.”
“Your priority seems to be ‘keeping the peace’ instead of the much greater problem, which is that you have a very racist grandpa. And I’m guessing your beliefs aren’t very different from his, or you would have said something too.” – CatnipPajamas
“Sad little angry boy is mad that he didn’t get the answer he wanted.”
“Your grandpa is a gross racist. Those types of people don’t deserve any defense. Stop rolling your eyes and just letting him get away with being a prick.”
“Oh and YTA.” – yaboi-cthulhu
“YTA. You make a big deal out of your girlfriend’s race—making sure everyone knows ‘she looks White, her mom is half White, her father is White, she identifies as White’ according to you…”
“This is going to be a revelation to you, clearly, but White people can and should also be offended by racism and call it out when it happens. Maybe that’s why your grandfather and you are still racist—you think White people should just roll their eyes and ignore racism.”
“As for your heroic actions you want a medal for—talking your grandfather out of calling the police because he got wet—you should have let him. With any luck the racist, entitled S.O.B. would get a POC officer responding.”
“Maybe they’d find his joke funny.”
“Either way, there’s nothing you rescued your ex-girlfriend from. Your grandfather is the one who needs to thank you for not letting the fool embarrass himself with his nonsense.” – LakotaGrl
“You’re not an a**hole because of your grandpa’s joke and yes you would still be an a**hole regardless of if he pressed charges. You really must have some sort of reasoning ability issue.”
“That doesn’t mean the fault is on you and not him. He is an a**hole for being a racist. You are an a**hole because you think it’s not a big deal.”
“You made such a show of saying she doesn’t look anything but White and she also identifies as White and how that’s so important to the story. So because she doesn’t look Black or identify as Black it’s ok to be racist?”
“As long as only White people hear you it’s fine right? Being a racist is not ok even when you’re alone in a room.”
“It doesn’t change anything to the fact your grandpa is racist and instead of being mad at him you minimized his actions, invalidated her very legitimate feelings and reaction, and got all butt hurt.”
“I didn’t even need to know anything more. I knew you were an a**hole from the way you spent the first 2 paragraphs emphasizing the fact she looks White and brushing off your grandpa’s disgusting behaviour by saying he always says ‘stupid insulty jokes’.”
“I knew because I know you. I’ve met you countless times. Every version of you I’ve met was always an a**hole in the end.”
“Congrats on being a racist apologist and congrats on being an a**. Have fun with that.” – Average_Amy
“You really went with ‘she looks White so it should be fine’.”
“Wow YTA. Please only date other racists so at least no one else will be subjected to this and you can go on with your ‘jokes’.” – Character-Scallion53
While it doesn’t seem likely the OP will realize why Reddit thinks he did something wrong, maybe someone else can learn that racism isn’t funny, even if only White people are present.