There are people with food allergies, food sensitivities and medical disorders or diseases that affect their bodies ability to digest certain foods.
For example, people of the global majority are often lactose intolerant because for millennia cow's milk wasn't part of our diets. Some human populations have consumed some form of animal milk for about 10,000 years and as a baby food for about 8,000 years.
But for Indigenous Americans like me, dairy products were first introduced to our diets between 500 to 100 years ago.
Our biology still hasn't fully adapted to digest cow's milk without some often odorous side effects.
But I don't have an allergy to dairy products—lactose intolerance is a food sensitivity.
My gastrointestinal tract might protest my love affair with Ben & Jerry, but my immune system doesn't try to assassinate me for it.
A cow's milk allergy can cause anaphylaxis—an immune reaction that can be as mild as an itchy rash or hives or as serious as swelling and narrowing of the airways leading to asphyxiation and death.
Milk is the third most common food allergy to cause anaphylaxis. Tree nuts are second and the legume peanuts are first making them the deadliest.
Food allergies and sensitivities have near immediate effects on the body, but little to no longterm impact if treated immediately.
However diseases or disorders like phenylketonuria, celiac and lupus may not always show an immediate reaction to certain foods, but repeated consumption can cause life altering complications and even death.
Understanding whether a person has a sensitivity, an allergy or a disease or disorder is important when choosing menu items.
A grandmother who is still trying to understand her daughter-in-law's recent celiac diagnosis and how to eat gluten-free turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
HarlotteHoehansson asked:
"AITA for not buying special groceries?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My son (30) and his wife decided to live the 'van life'. In my opinion they are homeless, but it is by choice."
"Their long term plan is (was?) to move into a campground and live out of the van and a tent. They are already on food stamps and she gets disability from the Army."
"This idea lasted about 2 weeks, then my husband got a call around 10:30pm Saturday from my son."
"They were in California, and he said the baby—3 years-old—was 'in the hospital' and they had no food and no money."
"They live off of her military disability. My son's entire adult life has been one stupid decision after another."
"I have 2 other children that turned out to be responsible adults. Our son and his wife still talk to our family."
"But she cut her parents and family out of her life because her parents fed the kids McDonald's."
"I wish I was kidding."
"We sent them $500 to get home. By midnight they were on the road here. They got here Sunday morning about 8am."
"Later we found out the baby developed a fever of 103°, so they took her to the 'hospital' which turned out to be a walk-in clinic that mainly treats addicts. The clinic basically gave her Tylenol then sent her home."
"They drove all night to get here. They showed up with no food, no money and the van was on 'E'."
"The mom walked once around my house—including the kitchen—without raising any issues. My son and his wife went to bed the morning they arrived and left the girls without any instructions or requests."
"They didn't even give the 3-year-old Tylenol or check her temperature before they went to bed."
"So we fed our granddaughters—3 years-old and 6 years-old—breakfast. We made them what they asked for—like we always have—and they didn't get sick."
"The girls begged for scrambled eggs and toast. We figured the 6-year-old knows if she can eat toast or not, but maybe they miss toast and fibbed to us or they thought it was gluten-free toast."
"Anyway, they never got sick. But my son got irate—when he got out of bed—because toast is gluten."
"This is all new to us."
"Their mom assumes the kids are 'allergic'—her word—because she was diagnosed with celiac a few months ago. But neither girl has been tested or diagnosed."
"Mother was told to cut gluten from her diet because she has issues with it. She assumes that because celiac is genetic the girls definitely both have the same issues."
"I'm just relaying what she told me about her diagnosis. They have all eaten gluten their whole lives until now."
"We hadn't seen them since the diagnosis. We were just told they were going gluten-free and to try not to feed them gluten. No list, no examples of what they could or couldn't eat."
"When DIL was diagnosed, I did a lot of reading about what celiac is. But the research doesn't tell you what to buy."
"I've seen things marked gluten-free in the store and some of it is bread. My bread packaging warns it 'contains soy and may contain traces of milk, eggs and sesame'. It doesn't say it contains gluten."
"We didn't go shopping between when they called at 10:30 pm Saturday night and when they arrived at 8 am Sunday morning. All-night convenience stores don't specialize in gluten-free groceries."
"But our son expected us to go to the store while they slept and buy gluten-free food for them all. I said we just sent them $500 and couldn't afford to go buy a bunch of food that we don't know anything about."
"They should provide that when they visit someone's home on such short notice. Had we not just given them $500, we would have bought the proper food when one of them could go to the store with us."
"A huge fight ensued."
"They left yesterday and, according to text messages, won't ever be back."
"AITA for not providing that food?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because they are my grandchildren, and I should provide what they need to eat while their parents are crashing here."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Some Redditors couldn't decide if the OP was an a**hole, opting for a request for more information (INFO).
"INFO: is there a diagnosed medical reason the children are gluten-free?" ~ TheDrunkScientist
"INFO: Did they decide to 'live the van life' or are they just broke and homeless? Cause this makes it sound like they are homeless." ~ Icy_Sky_7521
"INFO: do any of the other family members mentioned have a diagnosed gluten intolerance, sensitivity, allergy or celiac?" ~ Upper_Release_7850
"INFO: Has anyone called CPS to report the parents for willfully putting their children in harm's way by choosing to be homeless and live in a van? The baby was hospitalized with a high fever after living out of a van, but it wasn't a real hospital?"
"Gluten is the least of the issues here. Call the police." ~ tippychino
But some had no problem passing judgment.
"I don't need extra info. If you are traveling with kids with dietary needs, you are responsible for keeping those foods on hand. Period."
"You should never expect anyone else to accommodate your or your children's restricted diet. That's on the children's parents. The parents need to be proactive about the diet, not anyone else." ~ Mysterious_Glass622
"Does your son often do stupid sh*t like this? Where did the $500 go if they drove home and brought no food? Do these people have jobs?" ~ stinkyundercarriage
"The parents have voluntarily made their children homeless. Do we really think they're making any good choices for their children? NTA." ~ CatlinM
"NTA. I can't have gluten, pork nor dairy, but I wouldn't expect my in-laws to get me my special food for lots of reasons."
"But I can think of 5 reasons related directly to your situation:"
"1 - they were in your house—a house of people that are OK to eat gluten and therefore have gluten food—with very short notice"
"2 - you just gave them a lot of money"
"3 - they are adults and should be able to provide their own food, but they were already failing at providing basics for themselves and their kids"
"4 - they're a bunch of people avoiding gluten, which is already expensive for one person to do, but doing it as a whole family would skyrocket the cost of groceries"
"5 - they are visiting family, not an all-inclusive resort!"
"They can cook their own food and should be grateful you tried to feed the kids so they could rest even when you aren't as informed on gluten specifics."
"What you did wasn't done with malice, and if the kids asked for toast and they were OK after eating it, then it isn't as severe for the kids."
"With all that in consideration, they should not be acting as angry and entitled to the point of saying they aren't coming back and that you should have bought them gluten-free food."
"But I honestly believe that won't be true. They're gonna be back the next time they want your money, your housing, and your food for free." ~ Bubbly-Guitar-8053
"NTA. Why is everyone coming at the grandma with the celiac disease bullsh*t? She did more than most."
"Sent her son $500 to drive back home because he chose a dumb** lifestyle he can't afford with a family, and then she fed her grandbabies that don't have an actual gluten-related diagnosis."
"Even if the babies did, that's on the parents to make sure what they need is available, not on the grandparent who naturally will feed their grandchildren anything the kids want." ~ Imaginary-Local-948
"NTA. Whether the gluten issue is real or not is irrelevant. Your son & daughter-in-law should have been more understanding of the mistake rather than cause a ruckus."
"And expecting that you will be the one to provide the special food without any prior agreement or list of foods is entitled. They should be thanking you for helping them." ~ possiblycrazy79
"NTA because math and medicine."
"8 hours of driving, even at a steady speed of 75 miles per hour, is about 600 miles. Even if their 'life van' gets only 15 miles per gallon, that's 40 gallons of gas. Even if they only bought Premium gas which is averaging $5.48 per gallon in California, that's $220.00 for gas."
"They had at least $280 to get gluten-free food in California, en route or when they arrived. Or they could have returned what's left of the $500 with a list of gluten-free food they wanted and ASKED if you could go to the store."
"They're the ones who are choosing a complete gluten-free diet for their whole family because of mom's celiac diagnosis, so they're supposed to be the experts on what that means."
"You're correct that some products without gluten say 'gluten-free,' but unlike soy, dairy, eggs, or nut warnings, not everything that contains gluten says it contains gluten on the label."
"If they wanted or needed specific things, they could have asked for it like adults. Instead, they announced their choice to abstain from gluten-containing foods and expected you to figure it out without input or guidance from them."
"I notice they had no trouble asking for money, so why was writing a freaking shopping list and asking you to go shopping so hard? They could have written the list during the 8 hour drive or the time they were inspecting your home.
"They won't be gone long. They just want you to apologize for their irresponsible parenting and beg them to come back to mooch off you some more. They'll scurry back as soon as they want money." ~ LakotaGrl
Hopefully the OP gets a chance to enjoy their vacation from their son's life choices.
It probably won't last long.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp