Sometimes it's hard to anticipate what's going to happen or how other people are going to treat you. It's much easier to guess when you're on the outside looking in.
But it can be really hard to give a loved one feedback, especially when it's something we think they won't want to hear, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted his account, shared his concerns about how he knew the conservative people in the town where he grew up would treat his goth girlfriend, simply because of her appearance.
But when he tried to express his concerns to her, in an effort to help her, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when his girlfriend accused him of being controlling.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my girlfriend to change what she was wearing?"
The OP was supportive of his girlfriend's goth style.
"My girlfriend (24 Female) and I (25 Male) were staying at my parents' house for two nights."
"My girlfriend typically wears super goth clothes. Of course, she looks gorgeous every time. I love her and her style, and I wouldn't change a single thing about her."
But he was concerned about how she would be treated in his family's conservative town.
"My parents live in a really small conservative town, and a lot of the people there would give my girlfriend s**t for what she wears or at the very least look at her weirdly or stare at her."
"A few months ago when we were out together, some old guy said something mean to her about what she was wearing and it really upset her."
"I know that if she went out wearing what she was wearing, she'd get looks and mean things said to her, and it would really f**king upset her and probably ruin her day."
The OP tried to help his girlfriend, but it totally backfired.
"I suggested that maybe she should wear something else for the reasons I said above. She got really upset and said some stuff about me trying to control her."
"She's been really upset since and I literally don't know what to do to make her feel better. My intention wasn't to upset her at all."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood the OP's intentions were good but said the comment still made him YTA.
"YTA, although your heart was in the right place. It probably would've been better to remind her that the last time she was upset with a comment someone made and ask her if she felt comfortable wearing her normal clothes this time."
"Reiterate you love her in them, but also don't want her to be upset. Also, stand up for her if there's ever a next time. Say to the stranger/person that she looks incredible etc." - SafariSpecialist
"Difficult."
"What if you'd told your girlfriend that you love the way she dresses and looks, but that your parents and their entire town are judgmental AH who will comment on her choice of dress?"
"What if you promised her to support her when said AHs make comments? (By saying something like, 'Hey, is this hurting you at all? Show me where my GF's choice of clothes is hurting you.') What if you also reminded her that this town is apparently filled with AH?"
"She could decide how she wants to dress. You'd have her back if there were any crappy comments. It would still be her choice, but she'd make that choice knowing that you'd defend her."
"Do you think that might work out better? You wouldn't be controlling her. You'd be making your stand clear; you love your GF and how she dresses, and the rest of the world can f**k off."
"No judgment at this time." - lisaann03071961
"NTA. You're not trying to control, you're trying to protect the way you know how."
"When we choose to be in an alternative style, we also have to have the guts to stand against mean comments, because they WILL happen, and not to be overly upset because it is expected already. Old and conservative people won't likely change, and yes they'll look for anything to criticize, BUT ALSO we have to protect ourselves sometimes because we don't want to feel like s**t, and be a target."
"The world won't cater to us, it would be ideal? Yes, but won't likely happen. It will cost her nothing beyond her own mental health to use more modest clothing, or whatever she normally uses, after all, goth fashion comes in many forms and styles." - marunkaya
"For intentions, I'm gonna say NTA even though I thought I would vote YTA based on the title. You didn't mean to be controlling or try to change her, but it did come across that way."
"The best thing you can do is apologize and reassure her you don't actually want her to change. This can definitely be tricky with conservative areas where non-conventional people might be judged." - GreenPhone5697
"YTA if you:"
"1. Haven't been defending her and on her side about her agency to wear what she wants."
"2. Are upset about having to deal with her upset affecting you (she gets to be upset about the state of the world/judgment of others, I'm sure she supports you in your upset with the state of the world)."
"3. Can't empathize with why she would think you were trying to control her and be upset."
"If none of those things are true, you're just terrible with wording, haha, and you'll just need to explain to her what you actually meant and how you were trying to help, not hurt." - AdInitial7598
"I'm gonna go with NTA, You simply made an observation of what could possibly happen in the future. Your decision to say this to her left you between a rock and a hard place."
"I can see you looking out for her feelings, but if an entire town or whatever is going to alienate someone just because of how they dress, then I can only recommend not to return. Love is love and f**king things up sometimes is inevitable, but you both will get through it. Good luck." - IrishAndIKnowIt7612
"NAH. It sounds like you were just trying to protect her. Maybe she has experienced somebody trying to control her in the past and it brought back bad memories. Also, most people who dress in goth fashion have experienced bullying or at least stares and weird looks for it at some point, so it's possible that she is 'used to it' and doesn't care, and thinks that for some reason you do."
"Maybe it's best to just clarify that you only said it to protect her and not because it would bother you in any capacity. Tell her you are proud of her and that you look forward to showing her off just the way she is, no matter what she is wearing, but it was only ever to protect her." - PandaLoose3535
But others felt the OP's comments were enough to make him YTA no matter what.
"YTA. How about you defend your girlfriend when someone is an a**hole to her, instead of expecting her to change herself to try and avoid abuse from a**holes." - Embryw
"So, let me get this straight, in order to avoid her being hurt by comments about her clothes you decided to comment about her clothes, and did exactly what you were trying to avoid, which was ruin her day?"
"YTA, but just a little one. I get your intentions came from a good place, but they didn't land very well." - Negative-Product6401
"YTA. The solution to people making fun of your girlfriend's style is to call people out for being rude to her and then reassure her that you think she looks gorgeous, not to tell her that she should alter herself just so a**holes will leave her alone."
"Tell the a**holes to screw off instead of making it her fault she's being picked on. I don't think you meant it this way, but this could very easily slip into victim blaming." - badhuckleberry
"YTA. My girlfriend also dresses like this, and I love taking her to small towns to upset the hillbillies. Also, why aren't you defending her against these old men making unsolicited comments about her?" - Raivnholm
"YTA. You're both grown-a** adults, so grow some nuts and say f**k everyone's opinion. Let her wear what she wants. If family members are being pricks, tell them it's none of their business how she dresses and she looks good."
"If that causes a rift in your family, they weren't family to begin with. Been there, done that, stop catering to other people bulls**t beliefs over small s**t like a fashion choice." - Fack-_-You
"YTA. If my girlfriend was treated badly or people said things about her looks, I would immediately go defend her, shout at the person, and even hit them (and I am a skinny little five-foot, four-inches dude), because nobody has the right to do that to her and make her feel awful with how she looks."
"Grow some b**ls, apologize to her, and next time, even if it is your own family, defend her, cause if she really is the love of your life, then it only matters to you how she looks, and the other can go kiss a donkey´s a**." - ThatManWithQuestions
"Ooohh, buddy, YTA. Classic blunder. One does not simply get the goth girlfriend and then tell her not to be the goth girlfriend when around a judgy family."
"She's probably feeling insecure and rejected. It is your job in this case to step in and say it's not anyone's business how she dresses, and she's not hurting them." - pumpkinsyo
While the subReddit could empathize with the OP and understood that he was trying to save his girlfriend's feelings, they felt that the situation could have been far better dealt with than how the OP handled it.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.