When parents bring home the newest edition to their family, it's reasonable to expect that they are going to be as careful as possible when caring for their child.
But loved ones may take it personally if the parents' care of their child impacts their ability to visit with the baby, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor guywhois0nline was looking forward to her parents visiting, up until she noticed that her father had a cold sore on his lip.
When his feelings were hurt that she didn't let him hold his grandchildren, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was being too careful.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my dad he can't hold my newborn?"
The OP was worried about a cold sore when her father first arrived to meet her newborn.
"My parents are visiting this weekend to meet our newborn baby."
"They drove over six hours and have been excitedly calling and texting me for days before this trip, telling me how much they can't wait to be here."
"When they arrived yesterday, my dad had a bump starting to form on his lip."
"I know he gets cold sores so I ask if that was one."
"He responded that it was just a zit so I dropped it."
When his condition worsened, the OP became more uncomfortable.
"Today he came over with an open cold sore and asked if he would get a chance to nap with the newborn on his chest."
"I told him that with the cold sore, I would not allow it."
"He dejectedly sighed that it was okay."
"Shortly after, my toddler ran to his arms to be picked up, to which I told my dad that I wasn't comfortable with him holding her, either."
There were immediate consequences.
"While she wailed for him to pick her up, he stated that he was going to step outside for a minute while wiping tears away from his face."
"He walked down the driveway and has been gone for close to four hours and isn't answering his phone."
"My mom also seems upset with me."
"Am I the a**hole for telling my dad he can't hold my children while he has an open cold sore?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some supported the OP's choice to be careful.
"NTA. Cold sores (especially around the mouth) are often caused by herpes simplex virus. This is not the same as sexually transmitted herpes but could be dangerous for kids and especially babies."
"Look at this info: 'In the vast majority of children, cold sores are annoying and painful but don't cause complications or serious consequences. In rare cases, the herpes simplex virus can cause inflammation of the brain (encephalitis). This is a serious illness and needs to be treated right away. It can lead to long-term problems of the brain.'"
"It continues: 'Cold sores in a newborn baby can cause serious illness and death. This may be the case even when treated with medicine.'"
"You did the right thing not allowing your dad to hold your kids during the flare-up. You do need to explain the reasoning to your parents and ask them to read up on the risk. It does not mean your dad can not touch the kids, he just needs to be careful during flare-ups..." - ItIsNotAManual1984
"My mother is a nurse in a children's hospital and has seen children dying because of herpes virus more than once. These were healthy children until they got that virus."
"My FIL (Father-in-Law) almost did the same until I had my spouse explain that his grandchild could die." - Polythepony1993
"One of the infants at the daycare I work at has this and it seems like it is making both the child's and their parents' lives very difficult in a variety of ways. They are managing the best they can, but poor buddy will always need help to achieve a good standard of life."
"OP, you are NTA, protecting your child from disease is part of a parent's job. Explain the risks to your father and put some solid boundaries in place on physical contact while he has an outbreak and hopefully, he'll understand." - Kittikatt598
"When we were kids, my mom avoided us like the plague when she got cold sores. My dad was not an active parent, but she'd accept him half-a**ing it until her lesions weren't contagious to prevent us from getting it."
"Her kids understood, my dad was supportive, and to this day, all four of her grown children have never gotten a cold sore. I'm super glad she treated it as seriously as she did." - RogueBicycle
"My biodad kissed my sister on the lips (not weird in our family) when she was very young and he had an open cold sore. A couple of weeks later, she breaks out with one. She's had them on and off her whole life since. When you get them as an adult, it's much easier to handle emotionally. As a kid with them, it was devastating to my sister."
"NTA. It's not worth the risk to the kid just to make your father happy for however long they're visiting. Also, is he not taking Valtrex?" - ProfessorShameless
"Dude. There is no NEED for Grandpa to hold the kids right now and risk exposing them to the herpes simplex virus, which as others have mentioned, can be fatal for a newborn."
"HSV is HIGHLY contagious. Mom did the right thing, and Grandpa needs to be understanding. Masks or no masks, NTA. Jeez. No one is entitled to your children. People need to learn to have more respect for mothers." - stepascope
Others supported the OP but also understood the grandfather's feelings.
"My mom is 70. She still gets cold sores a few times a year, because an adult with a cold sore kissed her when she was a toddler. Her mom wouldn't stop them because it would have been rude. Literally, one kiss created an ongoing medical issue for almost 70 years now."
"I understand why Grandpa is sad. I'd probably be sad too. That doesn't mean it isn't the right call."
"There are better treatment and prevention options for cold sores these days, so encourage your dad to talk to a doctor if he hasn't done that recently. And work together to find other ways he can safely interact with the kiddos this trip." - ka-ka-ka-katie1123
"NAH."
"You are 100% correct to protect children from the virus. It can be deadly for newborns."
"But he's not wrong for being sad that it happened. Obviously, he didn't have control over a flare-up."
"I try to make everyone feel better by seeing if another time soon will work for a visit. And I'd encourage your mother to encourage him to get some maintenance treatment so that it's not an issue next time." - PracticalPrimrose
"NAH. He's not wrong to be upset, and depending on how he contracted the cold sores to begin with he could be dealing with some internal issues. You're also not wrong for protecting your kids."
"I'd never had a cold sore in my life until I dated my ex, and that relationship has given me several issues that I still work through in therapy. That relationship ended almost 15 years ago!"
"My partner has a four-month-old. When he was about three weeks old, I got a massive cold sore. I was so upset and so paranoid. I wore a mask when I was feeding him and a few times if his hand brushed against my face anywhere, I would wash his hands multiple times with soap and the hottest water that was safe to wash him with."
"Luckily it worked but that week was so hard. I also can't kiss my partner at all when I get cold sores, and it hurts even more to know that a relationship I shouldn't have ever committed to, will affect my relationship with the love of my life forever." - morbid_n_creepifying
"NAH."
"Another solution could have been he wears a mask and washes his hand thoroughly. My family and I have had cold sores my whole life, and they can be transmitted even if there isn't an active flareup (so there's always a risk no matter what). But the only way for an active flare-up to be transmitted is by the saliva/bodily fluid of the infected."
"But I totally understand OP not wanting to risk the newborn's exposure. And in the same breath, I can be totally sympathetic to the dad as cold sores always show up and ruin great moments." - geedubolyou
"When I was a brand new parent, I don't think I'd be comfortable with him holding the newborn, but I don't know why he couldn't have held the older child. If he washed his hands and didn't kiss the older one or let them touch his face, I don't see how there would be much risk."
"It sounds super heartbreaking for him to come all this way and then not be able to hold the baby (this was reasonable and he understood) but then not only can he not hold the older child, but they have also come up to him, excited to see him and are now distraught because he can't touch them (which they don't understand)."
"So many things can be solved by good hand washing and not touching your face..." - IamtheRealDill
"NTA, but there's an easy solution: give him an N95 mask, make sure he has it on properly, and have him wash his hands and arms thoroughly after he puts the mask on. If you want to be extra safe, make him change his shirt after he puts on the mask and washes up."
"Then let him hold the baby."
"I am not a doctor, but I am a person who takes immune suppressants every day (organ transplant) and this works for me. Extra note: if you don't feel like that's safe, then keep your baby safe in the way you feel best. This is only a suggestion." - WowsrsBowsrsTrousrs
The subReddit could totally understand the concern the OP had for her children, and they also could understand why her father felt hurt during their most recent visit.
Whether they disagreed was in how the OP handled the situation. Some felt she could not be too careful, especially with a newborn, but others thought there were safety precautions that could have made everyone feel happy and comfortable.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp