For many being a grandparent is a life goal and a gift.
Watching your kids become parents can bring great joy to many families.
But it’s not always roses and sunshine.
Some new parents can lean on grandparents a little too much.
This can cause quite a rift within the family unit.
Redditor FantasticSize9388 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw] for f**ks sake I have a life and I am not going to be a cookie-cutter grandma and I will call the police?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My son and DIL have been married for around 7 years at this point.”
“They have two kids.”
“All of my children are out of the home and living their lives.”
“My husband and I are still working and will probably retire in 10-15 years. Around 70.”
“My DIL and I got along much better before the kids came into the picture.”
“They live 30 minutes away and she is always trying to drop them off.”
“I thought my son was in on this but no.”
“I sat them down and he had no idea this was happening.”
“I showed the many texts asking for me to babysit and he was under the impression that I have only babysat twice this month not 16 times.”
“Apparently, she has been dropping them off with me to hang out with people and my son was under the impression she was taking them with her.”
“I started to communicate in a group chat with them so everyone was on the same page.”
“I only respond to her in the group chat and if she starts to spam me with texts about it I throw a screenshot in the group chat and have my son deal with it.”
“We have talked and it comes down to her wanting her kids to have the same relationship she had with her grandparents.”
“In short, I explained that I am still working and I will not have that relationship.”
“That I can’t have the kids every other day just like she had growing up.”
“We agreed to every two weeks to have a grandma day.”
“All good for about a year, my son is now traveling for work and she is at it again.”
“The time difference makes it hard to have him shut it down when it happens.”
“I was home for about an hour when she showed up at my home.”
“She wanted me to babysit when she went shopping.”
“I had enough at this point.”
“I told her for f**ks sake I have my own life, that I will not be the cookie cutter grandma she wants and if she tries to leave the kids with me from now on without my agreement, I will call the police for abandonment.”
“She called me a jerk and stormed off.”
“My son called trying to smooth it over and saying I may have gone too far.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I swear this is such a boomer mentality.”
“Like my parents got SO MUCH support with us kids.”
“Weeks at my grandparents.”
“Babysat regularly by other family voluntarily.”
“Then I have kids and any time I’ve asked for help it’s a big complaint.”
“I’m talking like 2 times a year.”
“To be clear, I’m not bashing OP.”
“2 grandma days A MONTH?!?”
“I would kill for my kid’s grandparents to want to hang with them that often, or even a few times a year.”
“OP’s DIL is trying to mirror her parent’s parenting experience and that’s just not the way that works.”
“Where are her parents?”
“She should be holding them to that standard she came to expect, not another parent who probably did not get all those grandparent breaks.”
“Ridiculous. OP NTA.” ~ Skywalker87
“Why is this such a boomer mentality?”
“Things change from generation to generation.”
“My parents are boomers.”
“If they needed help, they would have gotten plenty of it.”
“Moms of boomers seldom worked outside the home, so they were available.”
“They also didn’t have the kinds of social programs that the boomers have today.”
“In most boomer households, both parents worked.”
“If I ever asked my parents for help, when they weren’t working, they were usually there.”
“If they had plans, then I had to suck it up or find someone else.”
“If it was an emergency, they’d cancel their plans.”
“I didn’t dare show up unannounced and dump my kids off for them to babysit without checking first.”
“Especially so I could go shopping or yoga or some other nonsense.”
“They’d kick my a**!”
“My mom is almost 80, and I still wouldn’t mess with her.”
“My parents worked full-time, made time for their grandkids, and went out and did their thing.”
“My kids have a great relationship with them.”
“OP isn’t saying she won’t watch her grandkids.”
“She’s saying DIL doesn’t get to suck up all of her free time because she doesn’t want to raise her kids.”
“OP is saying that she’s worked hard, is still working, and deserves a life, too.” ~ Effective_Wolf48
“I’m concerned she kept the many times she dropped them off with you a secret from her husband.”
“It would get me wondering if there was a bad reason for that.”
“He seems like he goes above and beyond with his kids.”
“I don’t think this is just about her wanting them to have the same relationship with you as she had with her grandparents.”
“It could be something as simple as she is overwhelmed with motherhood and responsibility… or who knows… but whatever it is, she is being excessive with her demands on you.”
“You’ve tried everything you can… what else could you have said to her to get her to stop trampling your boundaries? NTA.” ~ musixlife
“As a nanny and someone who spent many weekends with their grandparents growing up, I agree that it doesn’t sound like she is concerned with the kids having a good relationship with their grandparents.”
“It honestly just seems like she wants free childcare.”
“Considering how involved OP says their father is, I don’t know if DIL is overwhelmed or just entitled.” ~ Denverdogmama
“If it were about the children having a good relationship with the grandparents why is it so often and without the proper scheduling?”
“Why does it seem like she never chose to stay with her children to make those ‘good memories’ with the grandparents?”
“Why is she always out?”
“Why not use a sitter if M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] has clearly stated what’s okay and what isn’t?”
“If it’s about the relationship, why create resentment?”
“There’s clearly much more going on with the DIL than her wanting her children to have a good relationship with their grandparents.”
“Hate to say it, but 16 babysitting requests in a month to a virtual newborn is A LOT (OP said they were 4 mos and almost 2 when this happened).”
“Where is DIL going and who is she with y’all?”
“My spidey senses are tingling.”
“Presumably, her friends know she’s a mom to a new baby and surely would have either accepted that the children were coming or would have gone to her house.”
“And why the secrecy from the husband to the point where he thought she was taking them with her and not dropping them with his mom?”
“And after OP, DIL, and son set up a group chat, DIL still tries to text MIL on the down low?”
“And now that hubby’s traveling for work, she pulls the same thing after they’ve all agreed to one day with grandma every two weeks?”
“OP, something isn’t right here at all.”
“Your son needs to definitely find out what is happening.” ~ moew4974
“I think he needs to step it up with his wife and deal with her bulls**t when it comes to her dropping the kids on you 24/7.”
“If I found out she did that to you again after we’ve already addressed it and she kept pushing and doing the same s**t, I’d have a big problem with my partner, not my mom in this situation.”
“You didn’t take them there, she did. NTA.” ~ Punkinpry427
“NTA. That’s nice she had that kind of relationship with her grandparents, but absolutely nothing entitles her to force it on you.”
“Good job on the boundaries.”
“Your son needs to step up here too though, and get more involved with his own kids.”
“The group text idea was brilliant and is a great way to keep him in the loop.” ~ achippedmugofchai
OP came back to reveal more info…
“For everyone going on about how he couldn’t know, doesn’t he talk to his kids?”
“The kids were 4 months and 1 3/4 years old when she kept dropping them off.”
“They weren’t really talking, the oldest sure could move but was not a big talker.”
“It really hit off when she was pregnant and got even worse when the second one was born.”
“Don’t make assumptions, he is very involved with the kids.”
“When he comes back from the trip he will always take the kids out to let her have a chance to herself.”
“He has been to every milestone they have had.”
“He just gave her a weekend trip with her friends for Mother’s Day and stayed behind with the kids.”
“He goes to doctor’s appointments, they switch off childcare mornings and nights.”
“He takes them with him all the time.”
“He spends alone time with the kids.”
“The kids are in daycare so really they have nights together.”
“He is a good father.”
“Not his fault he needed to travel for work so they have money.”
“That is just what happens when you are the main breadwinner, work says go do that you do it.”
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You already raised your kids.
This is your time.
You have every right to stand up for yourself.
Time for some hard truth chats with your son and DIL.
Good luck.