For many being a grandparent is a life goal and a gift.
Watching your kids become parents can bring great joy to many families.
But it's not always roses and sunshine.
Some new parents can lean on grandparents a little too much.
This can cause quite a rift within the family unit.
Redditor FantasticSize9388 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw] for f**ks sake I have a life and I am not going to be a cookie-cutter grandma and I will call the police?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My son and DIL have been married for around 7 years at this point."
"They have two kids."
"All of my children are out of the home and living their lives."
"My husband and I are still working and will probably retire in 10-15 years. Around 70."
"My DIL and I got along much better before the kids came into the picture."
"They live 30 minutes away and she is always trying to drop them off."
"I thought my son was in on this but no."
"I sat them down and he had no idea this was happening."
"I showed the many texts asking for me to babysit and he was under the impression that I have only babysat twice this month not 16 times."
"Apparently, she has been dropping them off with me to hang out with people and my son was under the impression she was taking them with her."
"I started to communicate in a group chat with them so everyone was on the same page."
"I only respond to her in the group chat and if she starts to spam me with texts about it I throw a screenshot in the group chat and have my son deal with it."
"We have talked and it comes down to her wanting her kids to have the same relationship she had with her grandparents."
"In short, I explained that I am still working and I will not have that relationship."
"That I can't have the kids every other day just like she had growing up."
"We agreed to every two weeks to have a grandma day."
"All good for about a year, my son is now traveling for work and she is at it again."
"The time difference makes it hard to have him shut it down when it happens."
"I was home for about an hour when she showed up at my home."
"She wanted me to babysit when she went shopping."
"I had enough at this point."
"I told her for f**ks sake I have my own life, that I will not be the cookie cutter grandma she wants and if she tries to leave the kids with me from now on without my agreement, I will call the police for abandonment."
"She called me a jerk and stormed off."
"My son called trying to smooth it over and saying I may have gone too far."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I swear this is such a boomer mentality."
"Like my parents got SO MUCH support with us kids."
"Weeks at my grandparents."
"Babysat regularly by other family voluntarily."
"Then I have kids and any time I've asked for help it's a big complaint."
"I'm talking like 2 times a year."
"To be clear, I'm not bashing OP."
"2 grandma days A MONTH?!?"
"I would kill for my kid's grandparents to want to hang with them that often, or even a few times a year."
"OP's DIL is trying to mirror her parent's parenting experience and that's just not the way that works."
"Where are her parents?"
"She should be holding them to that standard she came to expect, not another parent who probably did not get all those grandparent breaks."
"Ridiculous. OP NTA." ~ Skywalker87
"Why is this such a boomer mentality?"
"Things change from generation to generation."
"My parents are boomers."
"If they needed help, they would have gotten plenty of it."
"Moms of boomers seldom worked outside the home, so they were available."
"They also didn't have the kinds of social programs that the boomers have today."
"In most boomer households, both parents worked."
"If I ever asked my parents for help, when they weren't working, they were usually there."
"If they had plans, then I had to suck it up or find someone else."
"If it was an emergency, they'd cancel their plans."
"I didn't dare show up unannounced and dump my kids off for them to babysit without checking first."
"Especially so I could go shopping or yoga or some other nonsense."
"They'd kick my a**!"
"My mom is almost 80, and I still wouldn't mess with her."
"My parents worked full-time, made time for their grandkids, and went out and did their thing."
"My kids have a great relationship with them."
"OP isn't saying she won't watch her grandkids."
"She's saying DIL doesn't get to suck up all of her free time because she doesn't want to raise her kids."
"OP is saying that she's worked hard, is still working, and deserves a life, too." ~ Effective_Wolf48
"I'm concerned she kept the many times she dropped them off with you a secret from her husband."
"It would get me wondering if there was a bad reason for that."
"He seems like he goes above and beyond with his kids."
"I don't think this is just about her wanting them to have the same relationship with you as she had with her grandparents."
"It could be something as simple as she is overwhelmed with motherhood and responsibility… or who knows… but whatever it is, she is being excessive with her demands on you."
"You've tried everything you can… what else could you have said to her to get her to stop trampling your boundaries? NTA." ~ musixlife
"As a nanny and someone who spent many weekends with their grandparents growing up, I agree that it doesn't sound like she is concerned with the kids having a good relationship with their grandparents."
"It honestly just seems like she wants free childcare."
"Considering how involved OP says their father is, I don't know if DIL is overwhelmed or just entitled." ~ Denverdogmama
"If it were about the children having a good relationship with the grandparents why is it so often and without the proper scheduling?"
"Why does it seem like she never chose to stay with her children to make those 'good memories' with the grandparents?"
"Why is she always out?"
"Why not use a sitter if M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] has clearly stated what's okay and what isn't?"
"If it's about the relationship, why create resentment?"
"There's clearly much more going on with the DIL than her wanting her children to have a good relationship with their grandparents."
"Hate to say it, but 16 babysitting requests in a month to a virtual newborn is A LOT (OP said they were 4 mos and almost 2 when this happened)."
"Where is DIL going and who is she with y'all?"
"My spidey senses are tingling."
"Presumably, her friends know she's a mom to a new baby and surely would have either accepted that the children were coming or would have gone to her house."
"And why the secrecy from the husband to the point where he thought she was taking them with her and not dropping them with his mom?"
"And after OP, DIL, and son set up a group chat, DIL still tries to text MIL on the down low?"
"And now that hubby's traveling for work, she pulls the same thing after they've all agreed to one day with grandma every two weeks?"
"OP, something isn't right here at all."
"Your son needs to definitely find out what is happening." ~ moew4974
"I think he needs to step it up with his wife and deal with her bulls**t when it comes to her dropping the kids on you 24/7."
"If I found out she did that to you again after we've already addressed it and she kept pushing and doing the same s**t, I'd have a big problem with my partner, not my mom in this situation."
"You didn't take them there, she did. NTA." ~ Punkinpry427
"NTA. That's nice she had that kind of relationship with her grandparents, but absolutely nothing entitles her to force it on you."
"Good job on the boundaries."
"Your son needs to step up here too though, and get more involved with his own kids."
"The group text idea was brilliant and is a great way to keep him in the loop." ~ achippedmugofchai
OP came back to reveal more info...
"For everyone going on about how he couldn't know, doesn't he talk to his kids?"
"The kids were 4 months and 1 3/4 years old when she kept dropping them off."
"They weren't really talking, the oldest sure could move but was not a big talker."
"It really hit off when she was pregnant and got even worse when the second one was born."
"Don't make assumptions, he is very involved with the kids."
"When he comes back from the trip he will always take the kids out to let her have a chance to herself."
"He has been to every milestone they have had."
"He just gave her a weekend trip with her friends for Mother's Day and stayed behind with the kids."
"He goes to doctor's appointments, they switch off childcare mornings and nights."
"He takes them with him all the time."
"He spends alone time with the kids."
"The kids are in daycare so really they have nights together."
"He is a good father."
"Not his fault he needed to travel for work so they have money."
"That is just what happens when you are the main breadwinner, work says go do that you do it."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You already raised your kids.
This is your time.
You have every right to stand up for yourself.
Time for some hard truth chats with your son and DIL.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp