There is no correct way to grieve the death of a child, or a partner.
No matter young or old you are, pain is pain.
And learning how to live and deal with that pain is in constant flux.
Case in point…
Redditor Silver_Technician926 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my son’s boyfriend to stop checking in?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My son Jakob died of Leukemia when he was 15 four years ago.”
“He had been dating his boyfriend Khalid for a year by then and Khalid stayed with him up until his death.”
“Khalid was and is a super sweet kid and he always kept Jakob happy and smiling even when he was in pain and feeling sick from chemo.”
“Khalid would check in on my wife every now and then after Jakob died and at first it was comforting and really sweet but now it just constantly reminds me of the hardest part of my life.”
“He goes to college nearby and Friday he came by and I just kinda snapped on him.”
“I said that him being constantly around is just painful and that I couldn’t keep seeing him.”
“I told him that he just needed to move on and leave us alone so that we could really grieve.”
“I could tell how hard that was for him to hear and he just apologized quietly and left in tears.”
“I told my wife what happened when she got home from work and she said that she didn’t feel that way and that I shouldn’t have spoken for the both of us.”
“And that I was being unfair and harsh with Khalid especially since he loved Jakob too.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“YTA.”
“All three of you are grieving, and you were wrong to speak for your wife like that.”
“You were also kind of wrong to speak to him like that.”
“You should have had a conversation with your wife about how you were feeling.”
“And when you found out she didn’t feel the same way it would be VERY EASY to just let her take over that relationship and keep him away from you.”
“Have you even considered that keeping you two in his thoughts is one way he honours your son’s memory?” ~ finehamsabound
“Also, OP was unkind in they way he treated Khalid.”
“Even if the communication was warranted in his own behalf, he shouldn’t have been a jerk about it.”
“YTA, clearly.” ~ Existentialnaps
“Exactly. Even if OP and his wife had been in agreement that the visits were unwanted I think it would have been way more loving to tell Khalid the truth.”
“That as parents they appreciated him being in contact but maybe needed some space.”
“In truth OP probably does need space from the young man but it’s his responsibility to kindly step aside for the time being.”
“I also think it would have been okay for him to ask Khalid if maintaining his relationship with them to the extent that he has is keeping him from moving on romantically or in other parts of his life.”
“I get that the OP is acting out of hurt and trauma so I’m inclined to be a bit gentler than if it was due to some other reason.”
“But I think he and his wife should reach out to him and clarify.” ~ shesellsdeathknells
“First OP, I’m so sorry that you lost your child.”
“I know that anything else I could say would ring hollow and sound like toxic positivity in this moment, so I just want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.”
“Cancer is just so terrible, and I’m so tired of it robbing so many of my friends and family of their lives and joys.”
“I was thinking this as well as the above commenter, that Khalid is also a young gay man (also based on the name, fake or not, might be a young man of color), and as someone in both of those communities, family isn’t always the most tolerant/kind.”
“Maybe Khalid saw OP and OP’s wife as his parental figures, so he checks in on the most kind parents in his life.”
“So, of course he’s crushed, since if this is the case, he’s now had two sets of parents abandon him.”
“Khalid is grieving just like all of you, and I bet this added to the pain and loss.”
“I think that YTA, but slightly.”
“I know you are grieving, and when grief happens, we do wild things.”
“I tell my clients that we can grieve in any way that works, as long as we don’t hurt others or ourselves.”
“OP, you hurt Khalid, I don’t think you intended for it, but you did.”
“You also spoke for your wife, who seems comforted by Khalid’s presence, and maybe have broken their relationship also.”
“Your wife might also feel some hurt that someone who also loved her son is also not able to connect.”
“I really hope you can rectify this appropriately, because I do think that you did not intend to hurt Khalid or your wife, and also deserve your boundaries so that you can heal.”
“Maybe something like, ‘Khalid, I’m so sorry for how I treated you.'”
“‘That was not kind of me, and I recognize that I caused you pain.'”
“‘I’m not in a good place right now to see you.'”
“‘Right now, your presence is bringing up a lot of painful memories.'”
“‘I need a little bit of space from you.'”
‘”My wife might think differently, and she can talk to you about that.'”
‘”Maybe in some time, we can reconnect.”
“‘You are an amazing kid, and I’m so glad my son had you in his life and that you brought each other so much happiness.'”
“‘I’m so blessed to have you in my life, even if I can’t stay in close proximity to you. I wish you all the best.'”
“Heck you can copy paste this word for word if you want.”
“Please repair this if you can.”
“I know right now, everything feels raw and painful, but you might regret this one act later, and Khalid might not be there to talk to you.”
“I do send you all my compassion and love as an internet stranger.” ~ StormyAurora
“YTA.”
“WTF is wrong with you? Was is necessary to be rude? Also, you didn’t even check with your wife?”
‘If you didn’t feel like seeing him, just pretend you are not home.”
“You should apologize.” ~ Coco_Dirichlet
“YTA. You are entitled to your feelings but you are not entitled to be rude.”
“If seeing him is too difficult for you, then civilly explain that to him but let your wife still enjoy his visits. You should apologize to him.” ~ Ducky818
“I hate to say this but yeah, YTA.”
“He’s grieving the loss of someone he loved too.”
“Sounds like him and your wife enjoyed each other’s company and you took that away from them.”
“I understand you are also grieving and the constant reminder is painful, but maybe you could have asked your wife to meet up with him outside your home.”
“The way you did it was just harsh. I’m very sorry about the loss of your son.” ~ kimberly79rn
“I’d say soft YTA.”
“I understand you’re triggered hard by this and have every right to be.”
“But you guys are probably the only tie he has left to the boy he truly loved, and now will harbor that death into his life, same as you both will.”
“Advice is to apologize but also state that it’s just painful, and you need time alone.” ~ YallIHaveSoManyCats
“Yes YTA Your wife told you ‘she didn’t feel that way and you shouldn’t have spoken for the both of us…'”
“Grief is hard and I am sorry for your loss but you should have spoken to Khalid about your feelings and not lump your wife in with your issues.” ~ JQMuggins
“It’s not easy to say but YTA.”
“You’re supposed to be the adult here.”
“This kid is barely an adult and lost someone he loved during his formative years.”
“He, like you, will carry this forever.”
“You should be supporting each other through the shared loss instead of lashing out.”
“Bonus round, speaking for your wife like that will always be an AH move.”
“You owe both of them an apology.” ~ thr0wawayyyy12
“YTA dude.”
“You may never completely recover from losing your son but it’s wrong to speak for your wife and it’s wrong to lash out at this dude.”
“Have you sought grief counseling?”
“It’s okay to need space and not want to see Khalid but after four years if this is how you handle it you might want some help to navigate it better.”
“I feel for you and your wife and Khalid though.”
“You are all hurting and that’s normal.” ~ BowTrek
“What in the world, YTA and a very very sick human being, that was so rude, he sounds so nice and you just “SNAPPED” because he was trying to help, very large YTA.” ~ IloveJrAhockey
Well y’all had no qualms about letting OP know how you felt.
This is a really difficult situation for everybody.
Cancer sucks. Death sucks. Grieving sucks.
Hopefully everyone can find a way to find peace.
Sorry for all of you.