It's no secret that the wedding industry is a highly profitable industry, and it's more expensive than ever to host even a small wedding.
But since the pandemic, the prices of vendors and food have surged more than ever, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor throwR-7746 offered some money to his son and future daughter-in-law to fund their wedding, thinking the prices would be comparable to the time in which he got married.
When the couple discussed how to fund the rest of their wedding expenses, the Original Poster (OP) took it personally.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my son he and his fiancée are spoiled?"
The OP balked at the size of the budget for his son's upcoming wedding.
"My (57 Male) son (23 Male) is engaged to Peggy (22 Female). They have been engaged for five months or so."
"Our culture dictates that Peggy's father and I share the costs of their wedding. He (her father) said we should provide $10k each, a total $20k budget."
"I could afford this, sure, but this seems insane and extravagant to me. I said I would give $5k and he could give whatever he wanted. Peggy's father also put up $5k."
The OP's son immediately started planning to fund the rest of the wedding.
"I told my son this and he told me outright it wasn't going to be enough. He said, 'I don't mind, I figured that Peggy and I would have to pay for some of the wedding costs.'"
"I asked what he meant. He said that in no way would they be able to do their wedding for under $10k."
"I said, 'My own wedding, after haggling and deals, only came out to around $7k, so I do not think this is an issue.'"
"He argued against me and said that my wedding was 40 years ago and prices were different. He outlined some prices and said the cheapest venue he could find was $5k, and food alone was going to be $2,5k."
The OP took this discussion personally.
"He again said he didn't mind and he thanked me for giving them money for the wedding, but I honestly felt hurt that he thought we were not giving enough."
"I said, 'How could food come out to 2500 dollars?'"
"He said that that was only around $25 per person."
"I suggested ordering pizzas or sub sandwiches, but he looked at me like I was crazy."
"I said, 'Okay, well, we can just offer less for the photographer and decorator,' and he said that isn't how things are done."
"I said it is how things are done, and maybe if he and Peggy weren't so spoiled and expecting the best of the best for everything, then $10k would be plenty."
"After I said this, he just closed his eyes and thanked me for the money and basically told me to get out."
"I was complaining about this instance to my wife, and she told me I was being a stick in the mud and it's his only wedding. My friends agree with me, though."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said weddings had become significantly more expensive since the pandemic alone.
"YTA. An average wedding these days is about $25k, depending on where you live."
"Your son and future DIL aren't spoiled; they handled this gracefully by making it clear they don't mind paying for some of the wedding themselves and thanking you multiple times for contributing."
"You calling them spoiled was out of line and you should apologize." - Special-Respond7372
"YTA. First, give whatever you want, but then don't get mad when your son tells you that he is going to then spend HIS OWN money for other parts of the wedding. You don't get to decide how much their wedding should cost, you only get to decide how much you want to contribute."
"Second, did you serve pizza and subs at your wedding? If the cultural aspect of paying is so important to you, what are the other cultural traditions of this wedding, and would your family and friends be good with pizza when you got married?"
"By the way, I'm down with pizza for a wedding, but you being very invested in one part of the cultural tradition of a wedding while thinking going cheap on other major parts is... interesting."
"Third, no you don't get to just pay vendors less."
"And finally, do you really not realize that stuff costs more than 20 years ago? Your wedding cost $7k, and let's say it was 24 years ago (your son is 23, so I'm going with you had your son after you were married)."
"Just by using the general US inflation calculator, $7k in the year 1999 would cost $13k in the current year. And that's inflation, not buying power. If you go by buying power, it is easily over $20k to get the same thing you got for $7k decades ago. That's such basic comprehension that things cost more than 24 years ago, I can't believe you can't apply common sense to this conversation." - mfruitfly
"One word: INFLATION. Inflation! I swear the boomers forget that it exists. (Unless it suits them when they are complaining about what political party the current administration is.) Things aren't the same now as they were 40 years ago." - JekennaRogers
"YTA and so wildly out of touch. You evidently have no idea how things work now. It's the mentality of my grandparents, which is understandable as they are in their 90s. You really have no excuse."
"Was your wedding also a pizza party?" - HeirOfRavenclaw
"I had to ask my mom for financial help, and she went off on me about how I should drop my mortgage, sell the house, and move to an apartment. Um. My mortgage has been cheaper than rent in my area since we bought the house six years ago... we had to lay out how much has really changed, and she still doesn't get it."
"OP, YTA. Weddings are expensive, and pizza? Are you nuts?" - spiffynid
"YTA. Dude, I too am 57 and know things from back then. Yes, things were cheaper then, BUT do you really think 10k today can buy what 10k bought 40 years ago? Obviously, you have a job and saved money, so it is inconceivable that you would try to compare 40 years ago prices to today's. (In fact, adjusted for inflation since 1983, your $7500 would be today's $22,975)."
"Your son thanked you and was appreciative (you're projecting that he felt you were not giving enough because you knew you were being cheap compared to your future in-law) and communicated what he was going to do to make up the difference, and you pulled the I remember when it was a nickel when I was young line?!"
"Get ahold of your time, try not to be that old dude, and stop talking with those friends who either have not gotten the whole story or are too old to remember that Pinball is not the biggest game at the Arcade." - catskillkid
"YTA. You spent $7K of your parents' money when you got married 40 years ago. That would be about $25K today. $10K today would have been $2.8K when you got married. You are being a hypocrite."
"You got the best of everything when you got married at your parents' expense, but you expect your son and his fiancee to pay for over half the wedding to get an equivalent celebration." - Biteme75
Others pointed out that the groom had not done anything inappropriate or disrespectful.
"Yes, YTA. He thanked you for the money and is planning on paying for the rest. How they spend their money isn't your business. Can you seriously not envision that prices have increased over several decades?" - Allaboutbird
"YTA. $7,000 in 1983 is about $24.5k now, so by your logic, you should be giving him $12k, not $5k or $10k."
"Obviously, you aren't obligated to give him any money, but he kindly accepted the $5k you offered and you had no place to then berate him about how he was overspending, and you have no reason to 'feel hurt' over this." - poeadam
"YTA. Your son was incredibly gracious, but you had to keep pushing. He even thanked you."
"Do you pay the same price for gas, food, clothes, etc., like 40 years ago?"
"Do you live under a rock?" - completedett
"YTA. He was respectful and thankful. He explained why 10K would not go far for a wedding at today's prices. Your response was to suggest pizza and subs (at a wedding, for f**k's sake) and insult him and his fiancee. Your son is a far better man than you." - Throwawayforrbn
"YTA. Not for deciding that all you want to give was 5k... That's fine."
"YTA for not believing (with inflation) that a wedding could cost 20k just because yours cost 7k FORTY YEARS ago. And then to keep questioning him like he was lying."
"Why don't you get a quote for a basic wedding from a wedding coordinator? You'll be shocked that throwing a wedding for 10k is on the cheaper side, cutting a ton of corners."
"He said thanks, he appreciates it, and will put his own money in. End of." - throwzzzzzzzzzz
The subReddit could not stop shaking their collective heads over how the OP was looking at this situation and how he responded to his entirely respectful son. Not only had his son been grateful for the OP's financial gift, but he was also making plans for how he could fund the rest of his wedding.
If his son had complained about the costs, the OP might have something to complain about, but with a grateful son and a clearly out-of-touch financial attitude, it might be better for the OP to sit the wedding planning out and simply attend the day of.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp