Some people look back on their school days with nothing but the happiest memories.
Others do not have the fondest memories of middle school or high school.
Namely because they were tormented by a bully, or worse yet, a group of bullies.
For these unlucky people, moving away was a blessing, and if they never saw these people who made them scared to go to class every day ever again, it wouldn’t be soon enough.
The younger brother of Redditor MostTomatillo7838 was tormented all throughout middle school by a bully.
Unfortunately for him, the original poster (OP) would eventually become friends with his younger brother’s tormentor in adulthood, so much so that he even chose him over his brother to take a rather important position.
Expectedly causing a rift in their relationship.
Wondering if he was being insensitive, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for choosing my brothers school bully over him for my wedding?”
The OP explained why a major decision regarding his wedding ended up putting him at odds with his younger brother.
“My brother in middle school had a bully Max.”
“School kinda sucked and didn’t do anything about it.”
“I am 4 years older than my brother and Max.”
“I didn’t have the money to go to college so I spent a few years saving up cash.”
“I went to a community college and Max was there with me.”
“We were in the same track, so we worked together before.”
“I don’t get close to him until my grandfather died and my family didn’t tell me until the day of the funeral.”
“It was rough and he really helped me out.”
“I brought up his bullying and he told me he will send a letter to apologize.”
“My brother got it and basically said I don’t forgive him which is his right.”
“I am 34 now and I am still close with him.”
“He is being my best man.”
“I told my family this and most were happy since they know how much he has helped me out before.”
“My brother on the other hand hates it.”
“He told me he won’t come to my wedding if he is invited.”
“We got in an argument with me just saying you can’t be in the same building and not talk to someone.”
“He claims it’s is the principal of it and won’t go to the wedding unless I uninvited him.”
“That I am picking a bully over him, buts it’s been almost 15 years and he has helped me so much.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they largely agreed that the OP was the a**hole for choosing Max to be his best man.
Some felt that the OP had every right to choose Max as his best man, as it seemed that Max had matured and left his old ways behind him, even if they also felt his brother had a right to be upset by this decision.
“NAH, except – a little bit – Max.”
“Fundamentally, you made this decision a bit at a time, every time you spent time with Max despite knowing how he had treated your brother.”
“Your brother made this decision in particular when he was one of the people who didn’t tell you about your grandfather.”
“It has been a long time, and you and your brother have clearly grown apart.”
“It’s reasonable for you to want your best friend with you.”
“It’s reasonable for your brother to hate your best friend.”
“It’s reasonable for you to ask him to tolerate it for one day.”
“It’s reasonable for him to say no.”
“I think you suck a little bit for making friends with your brother’s bully in the first place, but that AH behavior is a ship that’s long since sailed.”
“Max sucks a lot more for not having the grace to not invade the family space of someone he used to bully, as well as for being a bully in the first place.”
“Your relationship with your brother isn’t going to survive this choice, but this isn’t a new situation – the wedding is just what’s made clear that you prefer your relationship with Max to your relationship with him.”
“Not inviting Max wouldn’t suddenly magically make your brother more important in your life than Max is.”
“Realizing that is painful for him, and you and Max are the ones whose decisions caused that hurt, so it’s up to you to be as graceful as you can and not make this any worse by firing back.”-MaintenanceFlimsy555
Others, however, felt that the OP was indeed being incredibly insensitive towards his younger brother by choosing Max to be his best man, and should have known better.
“Maybe it’s because your brother is traumatized that’s why he doesn’t want to go to your wedding.”
“It’s also painful for your brother that you chose the bully over him to be your best man.”- erakles0
“You can pick whoever you want to be in your wedding, but those choices have consequences.”
“There is no time limit on being hurt.”
“There is no law or rule or anything that says your brother has to get over his being bullied by a certain amount of time.”
“You’re not the AH for picking whoever you want at your wedding.”
“You are the AH for picking someone who bullied your brother.”
“Also, that bully didn’t even apologize until you said something…doesn’t sound to me like they are sorry for anything.”- My_friends_are_toys
“YTA.”
“I think you are ignoring what actually happened, because you already made up your mind.”
“You said in the comments that ‘bullying’ consisted of ‘name calling’ and ‘not inviting to a party’, which even barely qualifies as such.”
“Did you learn that from Max?”
“Are you sure there isn’t much more to the story you brother doesn’t even want to tell you?”
“It would be extremely unusual to not want to be in the same building with someone who didn’t invite you to a party 20 years ago.”
“It wouldn’t be strange if someone shoved your head into urinal and spit in your face.”- SomeAd8993
“It sounds like your brother was truly traumatized by Max.”
“I still remember the bullies I dealt with in school, and even though I see them from time to time, we won’t be having playdates.”
“Your brother is hurt you are choosing the person who made his life hell as a kid over him and made him your best friend.”
“That is understandable, but it is also understandable that you want someone who has supported you with you at your wedding.”
“It’s sad that you are in this position, but you can’t tell your brother how to feel.”
“It is also an issue that Max apparently means more to you than your brother, best man and all, and that could be part of your brothers’ problem.”
“Maybe you could talk to your brother to find out what the real issue is here, this could be a rift that goes on for years.”- Anonnymusse
“YTA.”
“If my brother picks someone else I hate to be his best man he’s a single child from then on lol.”-No_University3872
“You picked your brother’s bully over your brother.”
“YTA.”- ThaneOfCawdorrr
“Dude, it doesn’t matter how long, bullying leaves a certain level of ptsd that you never get past.”
“You knew who Max was when you started hanging with him.”
“Had he changed so much, he should have apologized years ago, and not just because he became friends with you op.”
“If you are all able to get past it, great.”
“But your dismissal of the damage done by a bully makes YTA.”- Signal_Hold_7998
The OP later returned with an update, sharing that it wasn’t specifically his choosing Max as his best man which upset him, as well as where the two of them currently stand.
“I talked to my brother this does’nt really have anything to do with max and more with me, he is upset that he isn’t best man.”
“He was upset by that and didn’t want to go at the beginning.”
“When he heard it was Max that made it worse and brought up old feelings about middle school.”
“We had a nice conversation and I explained why he wasn’t chosen.”
“We aren’t close.”
“Also brought up I wasn’t in his wedding party either.”
“We are all good and he is gonna go.”
“Also showed him this thread and we had a good laugh about it.”
“I find it really weird that people don’t believe people change especially this happened in middle school.”
Perhaps Max has grown up, and does feel repentant about his history of bullying.
But maybe a letter wasn’t quite enough to make the OP’s brother forget the past, hence why he was so shocked and hurt by his decision.
One can only be glad that the OP’s brother seems to have forgiven him enough to still go to the wedding.
Even if the OP shouldn’t rule out the possibility of an unpleasant encounter between his younger brother and Max.