Everyone has an idea of how they imagine their wedding will look.
When the big day finally arrives, it is seldom, if ever, exactly how they always dreamed it would be.
True, some people are determined to make their wedding the wedding of their childhood fantasies, no matter the cost or effort.
Others decide to go a more practical route, knowing that the most important thing is that they will be marrying the love of their lives, and all their nearest and dearest are with them to share in their love.
Redditor No-Debt6328 successfully convinced his fiancée to make their wedding on the smaller side while also agreeing to cover. most of the costs himself.
While the original poster (OP)’s fiancée was fine with this, her mother, the OP’s future mother-in-law (MIL) was less happy.
Making matters worse, the OP’s future MIL didn’t hold back on expressing her disappointment at all the expenses the OP spared for the wedding.
Eventually, this led the OP to make a fairly serious threat.
Wondering if he was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for threatening to disinvite my fiancée’s mom from our wedding for saying I’m stingy and ‘cheaped out’ on the ring and wedding?”
The OP explained how his future MIL’s behavior eventually led to him threatening to disinvite her from the wedding:
“I (34 M[ale]) am engaged to my fiancée ‘Emily’ (31 F[emale]).”
“Both of our families are lower class, so we have to pay for the wedding by ourselves.”
“We talked it through, and I suggested we have a more chill, smaller wedding and save our money for a downpayment on a bigger house.”
“I make significantly more than her (she’s a teacher and I’m a doctor), so I told her I would take care of the majority of expenses like the venue, catering, and planner if she just paid for her dress and smaller stuff like that.”
“Last week, her parents hosted a party for us before the wedding, and her mom kept making comments about how she can’t believe how small our wedding will be or that we’re not hosting it at the fancy hotel downtown that’s ‘just so much better and elegant’ than what I chose.”
“I even overheard her talking to her sister about how small the diamond is in Emily’s ring and that it’s embarrassing a doctor won’t treat her daughter better (I spent about 5k, which I thought was fair).”
“She just seemed so hung up on the fact that her daughter is marrying a doctor, but the wedding/ring aren’t on a ‘doctor level’.”
“Based on what I know, I think she is a little embarrassed about her family’s socioeconomic status and was hoping her daughter marrying a doctor would help ‘improve’ her image to her friends and extended family.”
“Throughout all of it, Emily looked extremely embarrassed and awkward and kept trying to tell her mom it was fine, and her mom just said, ‘You need to learn to stand up for yourself’.”
“This is when I just lost it and told her mom she can be uninvited from the wedding if she has so many problems with it and is embarrassed by how ‘cheap’ I am.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for disinviting his MIL from the wedding, even though the OP didn’t win everyone’s complete sympathy.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s future MIL’s behavior was out of line, and merited being disinvited, there were others who wondered if the small wedding was, in fact, what Emily wanted, or if the OP took charge and she begrudgingly went along with it.
“NTA.”
“This sounds incredibly exhausting and selfish—she’s ruining the atmosphere of a special day for her daughter and for you.”
“I hope this doesn’t foreshadow how she’ll be throughout your marriage.”
“Sounds like a nightmare.”- LazyRiverDawg
“NTA, strictly speaking.”
“But I do think this requires a serious conversation with Emily.”
“Is she really okay with the plan you’ve made for your wedding, or would she like to invite more people, for instance?”
“Just make sure you don’t steamroll your fiancée into agreeing to something she may not actually want.”
“But if she really is on board with your plans, then she needs to manage her family and make it entirely unambiguous that this is what she wants, and mom needs to shut up and get on board.”-HoldFastO2
“NTA- MIL is a gold digger.”
“Just in case your fiance supports her mother’s behavior, get a prenuptial agreement.”
“Don’t let love blind you.”
“She may have been pushed to find a doctor to marry.”
“The fact is she told her mom it’s okay.”
“She didn’t say it was perfect and put her in her place.”
“She may love you, but if she ever decides she’s not happy with ‘doctor’s hours,’ things will be a mess.”
“I admire your small wedding.”
“It should be personal, not a waste of money on a big show for people who are only there for the free food and drinks.”
“Good luck.”- Capow1968
“NTA.”
“But are you sure your fiancée was really okay with the plans?”- Strange_Lake7646
“NTA!”
“What a cheek!”
“You could always remind mum that if pretending to be posh is so important to her, she can always contribute the extra money for the wedding to be ‘upgraded’ to the fancy hotel.”
“Your FMIL sounds like a peach.”- ohnosandpeople
“NTA.”
“MIL sounds like a tool.”
“However, at the end of the day, it’s going to be your fiancée’s final word over whether or not her mom is invited to the wedding or not.”
“Talk to her about how it makes you feel, and then leave the ball in her court.”
“If she has your back, good.”
“If not, react how you see fit.”- Nanigo_
“NTA for being annoyed, though truly uninviting MiL might be going too far since I think fiancée would want her there.”
“I also agree with you about a smaller wedding and saving money for purchasing a house or travel or other things the two of you can enjoy.”
“Regarding the ring, did your fiancée give any indication that she wanted a bigger stone?”
“Why is her mother assuming that she needs to ‘stand up for herself’?”
“Is this all in the mom’s head, or was fiancee hoping for a different ring?”
“It seems to me that you should talk things over with fiancée.”
“Get a sense of whether she feels like her mother.”
“If, after this conversation, the two of you are on the same page, the two of you should sit down with her mom and explain why you both want to do things this way and the long-term advantage of saving the money.”
“Explain that even doctors need to budget and that you are saving so both of you can enjoy things more lasting than a party to celebrate your wedding.”
“She may truly not understand that though better off than her family, you don’t have unlimited funds.”
“Anyway, I support your position, but advise talking things out more.”- Why_Teach
“NTA.”
“You both need to show her that you are capable of doing this.”
“She needs to shut up or stay away.”- diminishingpatience
“You don’t have the right to uninvite the bride’s mother.”
“What does Emily want?”
“And does Emily want just a small wedding and down payment for a house, or is her mother speaking some level of truth here about Emily’s wishes?”
“This whole thing is a joint effort.”
“I’d be sure of what your wife’s dream is too and meet her at 70% (you know, based on your income) a house can wait an extra $30k if it’s your wife’s dream, but if it’s just a cranky MIL and Emily is 1000% on board with your cheap wedding then find tactful ways to quiet MIL and let Emily decide who comes to the wedding.”
“In theory….NTA, but this is giving some rouge flags.”- SilverChips
“NTA as long as your fiancé has the same goals in life as you.”
“Make sure she is happy with your choices as well.”- HeadBonk
“NTA.”
“But I would also talk to your fiancée about it and see how she feels about how her mother has been acting and what she wants to do in regards to the wedding.”
“Uninviting a parent is kind of a two yes’ situation if it’s because of minor drama BUT I do believe that bad behavior requires consequences, but I would probably just go low contact with her in general if she’s going to be a sh*t.”- whereisourfarmpack
It’s hard to sympathize with the OP’s future MIL for complaining that he isn’t spending enough money on the wedding.
However, if her concern was that her daughter wasn’t getting the wedding that she wanted, and the OP took complete charge, that is another issue entirely.
Hopefully, the OP and Emily will make sure that they are on completely the same page before the big day.
And hopefully, the OP’s MIL’s only concern on that day is her daughter’s happiness, and not how much everything costs.