While none of us are entitled to an invitation to an event, even a family member’s wedding, it can still be hurtful to not be included when we were otherwise expecting an invitation.
But when a fake reason is given for the lack of invitation, the exclusion can feel especially gross, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor LoveStPete was looking forward to seeing his family and celebrating his nephew’s relationship at his nephew’s upcoming wedding.
But when his husband was not invited for “religious reasons,” the Original Poster (OP) didn’t think he’d be able to go and celebrate with his family anymore.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to go to my nephew’s wedding?”
The OP’s husband was not invited to a family wedding.
“I’m a 60-year-old gay male. I’ve been with my partner (male) for 20 years, and we’ve been married for six years. We probably would have been married much sooner, but, you know, they didn’t let us.”
“My 30-year-old nephew is getting married, and I was invited to his wedding, and my husband was not.”
“There was no feud or tension or argument. In fact, we all had a very happy Thanksgiving together. They just didn’t invite him.”
The OP didn’t feel comfortable celebrating without his husband.
“I’ve been so angry about it that I didn’t think it was best to talk to my sister, but my other sister spoke to her, and she said it was a religious thing. She objected, but her husband and son (my nephew) were hearing none of it.”
“I let my family know that I will not be attending because in my view, rejecting my husband is rejecting me.”
The family lashed out at the OP for his decision.
“Now they are trying to persuade me to go anyway, saying, ‘Just come and have a good time, we want you there.’ But again, I don’t think my sister and her family want me there.”
“I am really disappointed, because I haven’t seen my mom and my other sisters (and nieces and nephews) since Thanksgiving and I was looking forward to it. We live hundreds of miles away and don’t get the chance to see them often.”
“Also, my mom is over 80, and I consider every time I see her to possibly be the last time.”
“Anyway, I’m getting a guilt trip, and so far I’m sticking to my guns, but I’m not sure what to do.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some supported the OP’s decision not to attend the wedding without his husband.
“NTA. They don’t want ‘you’ there, because your relationship is a big part of ‘you.’ They want only the part they accept. Using religion as an excuse to treat people like crap is the classic, historical AH move.” – BetweenWeebandOtaku
“NTA. You can’t expect someone to accept a wedding invitation that excludes their spouse. Period.” – morgaine125
“NTA. Stand by your husband. You are a package deal. If he isn’t invited, you obviously aren’t wanted, either.” – Foggy_Radish
“NTA. I’m not sure why anyone would ever expect you to come to a family event without your spouse. I can’t wrap my head around how they could expect you to go and have a good time when they’ve excluded your partner.”
“Go see your mom after the wedding instead.”
“I’m sorry your family sucks.” – pine boxwaiting
“NTA. Here’s what I wrote my cousin, in a similar situation a few years ago:”
“‘Hey, I wouldn’t feel right wishing a new married couple happiness without the other half of my marriage next to me. Once you’ve been married happily as long as we have now (two-plus years), you start realizing how the best part of a marriage is sharing happy memories together. Me going alone to your wedding doesn’t sound too happy to me, so I’m out.'” – marnas86
“NTA. Ask them if they would attend a wedding where they were told their spouse wasn’t allowed because of a ‘religious thing.’ The fact that they invited you and not your husband shows their hypocrisy and that it must not be that big of a ‘religious thing.'”
“Telling you to ‘just come and have a good time while we reject your partner’ is staggeringly rude. Stick to your guns, don’t go.” – BoundPrincess84
“NTA. Bigotry is still bigotry when wrapped in religion. F**k anyone who wants to uphold homophobia and out your right to exist in the back to make others comfortable. You do not have to make yourself small to make them comfortable!”
“You’re old enough to have weathered some of the worst parts about being gay. So glad you have a loving partner and him as your family who accepts you.” – Fairmount1955
“NTA. Control and hurt are not Love. Thanksgiving is only four months away… if you both are invited.”
“If you cave and attend this wedding you are selling out and disrespecting your husband and all issues you both value. They want you to show up smiling on the outside while they privately judge your life choices and prance you around the event conveying, ‘…it’s OK, he’s happy here by himself.’ Every couple can dance with their partner except you.”
“They say you are valued but if this were true they would not exclude him and hurt you both so deeply. Hurt is not love. If you want to see Mom, plan a different getaway or meet her there and extend her stay; venue depending. Best to you.” – DesertSong-LaLa
“A bit of the love you share with your man will die if you attend this wedding. Even if your hubby convinces you he’ll be fine, something will change and there’ll be no undoing it. These hateful vile family members better be worth that if you do that to your man.”
“If it needs saying, this isn’t about the wedding. It’s about legitimizing and dignifying bigotry and the hatred of the love you share with your husband. I can’t believe you’d even consider this after 20 years.”
“NTA if you refuse. You’d be a huge AH if you do go.” – MrHodgeToo
Others encouraged the OP to spend time with close family outside the wedding time.
“Absolutely NTA! 1000%.”
“As for seeing your other family – could you and hubs still go as planned and skip the wedding? I don’t know how long your stay was gonna be, but even just a long weekend would allow you to hang with family before, after, and in between the wedding/wedding-adjacent events.”
“The night of the wedding, you and hubs could plan a special, romantic night for two, using the money you would have spent on the wedding gift/attire/cash bar/etc. Spend that money on you two and the beautiful, precious, rare, and real commitment you clearly have. 20 years?!! WOW!! Celebrate THAT and the 20+ more years this random internet stranger knows are ahead of you.” – jennathedickens
“If you miss your mom, visit her instead. Traveling that far costs money too, and going to the wedding probably would have cost more. So spend it visiting your mom. No need to play nice with homophobes for the sake of their feelings.”
“NTA.” – 2tinymonkeys
“NTA NTA NTA.”
“I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I’m sorry some of your family is so two-faced. Your husband is part of their family too and excluding him like this is completely unacceptable.”
“Make plans to see your mom some other time in some other way. Donate the amount you would have spent on the wedding gift to an LGBTQ+ charity (if you’re feeling petty, let the word get out that you did that).”
“And to h**l with ‘polite’ homophobia that smiles in your face and stabs you in the back. They don’t deserve you.” – Beruthiel999
“NTA. Maybe stay at the same hotel as your mom and siblings and do a get-together with them.”
“Don’t go to the wedding and please don’t send a gift. Or, I don’t know, maybe make a donation in their name to a charity that helps the gay community, maybe even one that sends a calendar with hot half-naked men on it, lol (laughing out loud).”
“I hope you also make sure those bigoted a**holes know you are in town to see the rest of the family. Xoxoxoxo to you and your husband.” – Plastique-Playtex-1
“NTA.”
“I bet he’s inviting a lot of adulterers, greedy people, hateful people, and slothful people. Those are sins. Being gay is not. A religious reason, my a**. Tell him that you and your partner are a package deal. It’s both of you or neither of you.”
“Call your mother and ask her to lunch before she leaves town. But don’t bother with the haters.” – Fuhgetaboutit
“It’s the nephew’s wedding, not the OP’s sister’s. The nephew and his fiancé should be deciding who attends their wedding, not their parents. Parents, if they pay for a wedding, can choose additional guests, but they shouldn’t be choosing who can’t come.”
“OP, you’re NTA, but it sounds like perhaps your nephew is following his parent’s beliefs…”
“I think you and your husband should go visit your family regardless, maybe a day or two before the wedding, so you’re not creating a sore point on the day.”
“I mean, if you want to make it a sore topic, visit on the day of the wedding, see as many family members as you can, and politely explain why you aren’t attending the wedding. You’ll be invoking the wrath of your sister and possibly your nephew, but at least you’ll have all of your family in one place at one time.”
“And extend your visit to your mum’s home.”
“Wishing you the best.” – ocularinsanity
The subReddit could understand wanting to attend the wedding simply to have more time with loved ones, but they encouraged the OP to see his loved ones outside of the wedding setting instead. Attending the wedding would be an insult to his relationship, and it would show support for a new couple who clearly was not supportive of him.