Navigating homophobia within one's own family can be tricky, particularly when it comes to older, more conservative family members.
But how important is it to show solidarity with your LGBTQ+ family members when it comes to inviting those homophobic relatives to an important life event, like a wedding?
Redditor aita-homophobic recently clashed with his queer cousins over this issue regarding his upcoming wedding, so he turned to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) to see if he's in the wrong.
He asked:
"AITA for being 'homophobic' by inviting my grandparents to my wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained the circumstances.
"Fake names and throwaway account and whatnot. (I called the account 'aita-homophobic' but that was because it was an available username. I don't think I'm a homophobe)."
"I (21m[ale]) am getting married this summer. I am straight; my fiancée is a woman, obviously."
"I have two older cousins (29m and 26f[emale]) let's call them Mark and Jane, both of whom are openly gay/lesbian, respectively."
"My grandparents (87m and 79f) are unashamedly homophobic. They have attended every straight wedding in the family."
"They declined invitations to Mark and Jane's weddings because they 'don't believe that's a real marriage'."
Despite their faults, the OP doesn't want his grandparents to miss his wedding, even if it means hurting Mark and Jane.
"Here's the problem: Homophobia aside, my grandparents are amazing, hardworking, good people. I intend to invite them to my own wedding. Jane and Mark completely oppose this."
"Because I'm a bit of a 'golden boy' for the family, they want me to exclude my grandparents from my wedding to punish my grandparents and to 'promote marriage equality'. I refuse to listen to them."
This has caused a rift, which has made the OP feel a bit torn about his decision.
"Most of the family has taken my side (it's a very big family), except for Jane, Mark, their in-laws, and Mark's parents. They call me a homophobe and a terrible person or beg me not to invite my grandparents."
"I won't listen to them, but I feel somewhat sorry that I'm not fighting my grandparents for them. I can't help but feel like a bit of an a**hole for that."
"What do you think Reddit? AITA?"
After getting some responses, the OP edited his post to add a few more details.
"Thanks for the replies. I want to clarify one thing."
"My grandparents will be mostly respectful to Jane and Mark if they're all at the wedding. They call their spouses their 'boyfriend/girlfriend' and don't show that they're bothered by their relationship (unless someone straight up asks them)."
"I should also add that they don't hate Mark. Even though they dodged his wedding, they helped pay for his college tuition and he and his husband's house mortgage (they didn't do this for Jane (or Jane's straight brother) because they have conservative views on immigration and my grandparents are immigrants)."
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most weren't too keen on the OP's decision.
"YTA. Your grandparents are bigots. That automatically disqualifies them from being amazing people."
"But, if you're good with having bigots in your family and showing them that you support their disgusting beliefs (by tolerating them, you're telling others that you agree with them, which is why they're calling you a homophobe) that's your prerogative."—debt2set
"I second this YTA. You have made it clear that you enjoy their favoritism. I am going to ask you a couple of questions that I hope help you decide."
"1. Will you regret making either choice? If the grandparents come vs the cousins? If so, do what you can live with."
"2. Will you have these cousins in your life? This is a decision that goes beyond one day."
"You're standing with hatred in their eyes. I understand the choice as you see it but I don't know if you're thinking about the future also."
"3. Do you feel good about this choice? This doesn't necessarily make it right or wrong. I don't know what my own choice would be as I'm not you."
"I do know it might be helpful to communicate feelings to cousins. 'I can't imagine my wedding without the old AHs. I know it hurts you but they're grandma and grandpa. Can we celebrate separately?'"
"They may say no but making an effort at acknowledging the horribleness of how they're treated and wanting them might be enough. It might not be."
"Just remember to ask yourself what changes for each choice and in the long run. Any favoritism is toxic with kids."
"You're benefitting from their toxic behavior and while it's easy to want to maintain that because it is comfortable? It does have a cost."—FirebirdWriter
"YTA and people like you are why these bigots never change, because even though you recognize they are terrible, you treat them well and include them in your life because they are nice to you."
"Your grandparents are not 'amazing, hardworking, good people' they are rotten and deserve to be shunned, not invited to weddings."—VROF
"I mean, you're prioritizing the comfort and inclusion of homophobes, and making sure they don't face consequences for their behavior, helping the world stay a more comfortable place to be a homophobe."
"So yeah, supporting other people's ability to be homophobic is actually homophobic, the same way that covering for racists is in itself racist."
"Real change and justice can't just come from the marginalized. It's the normalized population, the ones in positions of relative power (in this situation, that's you) who must help out."
"You can choose to let the opportunity pass by, but understand that in doing so, you're protecting your grandparents' homophobia. And that's homophobic."
"YTA"—rabidturbofox
There were a few who were a bit more sympathetic, however.
"Eh, as a gay man, he's NTA. It's his wedding, he can invite whoever he wants as long as they agree to act civil and respectful."
"A wedding is a day for the couple, not protests. What happens if he disinvites them and half his family doesn't come?"
"One of the things that all LGBTQ people must accept is that there will always be bigots, and we all need to learn how to deal with them."
"It looks a lot better to come in and act respectful and take the moral high ground rather than to make demands on loved ones. Let the bigots make themselves look bad."—Gojira085
"I'm gay as well, and I feel like this is a tough one. If it were me, I would't put pressure on a younger cousin to disinvite his/her grandparents if they have a great relationship with them."
"But by god sit all opposing parties as far away from each other as possible cause I wouldn't wanna be around homophobes either."
"NAH (except the grandparents)"—ayrainy
"NTA. It's your marriage, not a protest."
"I understand why your cousins are mad with their grandparents but if you love them and want them in your marriage, it's your decision and it doesn't make you an homophobe."
"It's also up to your cousins not to attend bc of the presence of their bigot grandparents, but it's not their place to tell you who to invite."—girl_in_red_costume
One Redditor's response that got a lot of traction gave the OP quite a bit to consider.
"Rather than leave a judgement, I'll give you my thoughts as a gay person:"
"I don't have the ability to think about things through the lens of 'homophobia aside.' All of that homophobia that others can put to the side is always front and center for us."
"It affects our employment, our safety, our mental health, and a lot of other areas of our lives that would otherwise be normal."
"But we're queer, so people can't leave well enough alone. I've had people threaten my employment just because I'm gay. People I didn't even know."
"Homophobes believe that queer people are less than. You just said they don't believe Jane's and Mark's respective marriages are real."
"They don't believe they're valid. They don't believe they deserve that happiness, or peace of mind."
"Imagine if your grandparents told YOU they didn't approve of your marriage and would not attend the wedding. How hurt would you be?"
"To see these people who, up until then, you had such a wonderful relationship with? What about Jane and Mark? How was it to find out that these people wouldn't attend?"
"And is it just the wedding? Have your grandparents failed to acknowledge them elsewhere?"
"Failed to treat them with the same respect they give everyone else? What goes on that maybe you don't see?"
"So now you have the grandparents coming to your wedding. And you've asked Jane and Mark to suck up the reminder that Grandma and Grandpa see them as lesser by the very act of your grandparents' presence, enjoying themselves, laughing, dancing."
"Stuff they'd never do for Jane and Mark, who at some point were kids I assume who looked up to them (and even if they weren't disowned, you don't get to accept queer people only when they fit in)."
"And by inviting them, the message you send is 'I know they treated you like sh*t, but they don't treat me like sh*t so, y'know, get over it.' You've established that your values are only your values insofar as the issue affects you and your own life directly."
"I know the grandparent situation is complicated. And I know you love them."
"But they have opinions about human beings tantamount to 'these people don't deserve rights.'" Or 'their love isn't real.'"
"Do yourself a favor and read up on just what kinds of problems queer couples face without marriage rights and try to put yourself in your cousins' shoes."
"Imagine that your own grandparents are the type of people to vote against your ability to see your terminal significant other in the hospital, get POA (power of attorney), assist in other affairs, you name it."
"Imagine that they would vote to leave you cold, alone, and scared, while your spouse is in the hospital because they find your existence and love offensive (and don't downplay it, just because you have the luxury of not seeing it that way)."
"There ARE wrong opinions. You can argue over pineapple on pizza all you want, but you don't get to have an opinion on whether a person's existence is valid."
"We're born as we are, but people like your grandparents are born into their opinions, and they can learn."
"You can't be friends with your friends' abusers OP. And homophobia is abuse."—Marmaladeanddryice
Hopefully the OP will take these comments to heart and figure out if it's really worth ostracizing his cousins in favor of his bigoted grandparents.
Perhaps taking a stand against homophobia will help his cousins finally feel like they're valued members of the family.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.