The wedding guest list.
That task can spark major joy and MAJOR anxiety.
So many people expect wedding invites.
This is why people get themselves disappointed and angry when some invites get… “lost in the mail.”
What many don’t take into account is the newlywed’s type of wedding.
Not everyone wants or needs a big extravagant event to usher in their love.
Some lovers really hate having to invite–and pay for–every last family member of the family tree.
That’s why people opt for a smaller, more intimate ceremony.
This can spur issues of its own.
It’s rough when some people discover they’re not part of the inner circle.
Case in point…
Redditor GrumpyGroom92 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA because we do not want to invite the partner to the best man to our wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My fiancée (F[emale] 31) and I (M[ale} 30) want to get married this year.”
“We both don’t like traditional weddings and don’t like being the center of attention.”
“We want to get married primarily for us because we love each other – not for other people.”
“If we had to have a traditional wedding with a lot of people, we would probably rather not get married.”
“Therefore, we have decided that each of us will invite only one person (best man and maid of honor).”
“For my fiancée, this is ‘Maria’; for me, ‘Frederik.'”
“Kim,’ a good friend of the bride, is also coming because she takes pictures, and we both know her well.”
“So in total, we would be five people (bride, groom, best man, maid of honor, and the friend who takes the photos). That‘s it.”
“Now Frederik’s partner Roger complains that he is not invited.”
“There was a fight between him and my best man Frederik because of that.”
“Roger says that he would not go to a wedding to which Frederik is not invited, and he expects the same from his partner.”
“However, we definitely don’t want any other people there and have put a lot of thought into choosing three people.”
“Not even our families are invited, after all.”
“I told Roger that we are not willing to change our plan and invite him.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. If you were having a normal wedding, it would be rude not to invite his partner, but this is obviously an exception.”
“He’s being ridiculous.” ~ Outrageously_Penguin
“Your wedding, your rules’ doesn’t preclude the couple from being the AH.”
“If this were a normal wedding with a normal guestlist, then the OP would absolutely be the AH for not inviting the best man’s B[oy] F[riend].”
“The reason the OP is not the AH isn’t because it’s ‘their wedding, their rules,’ it’s because, in the specific context of this particular situation, it’s reasonable for the best man’s bf not to be invited.” ~ hdhxuxufxufufiffif
“NTA. Good grief, you have one guest/witness each and a mutual friend who will take some pictures.”
“This isn’t a big event for other guests.”
“Roger is picturing a traditional wedding.”
“Frederik needs to point out that he’s serving as more a witness.”
“Roger is not more important than your family, who are also not invited to your very intimate ceremony.” ~ ParsimoniousSalad
“This makes sense.”
“OP and Fredrick need to rephrase this event.”
“It’s not a wedding.”
“It’s an intimate commitment/marriage ceremony.”
“Participants only, no audience, not even family.”
“There is no party and no guest list.”
“If there would be a party, then Fredrik’s partner would be welcome, but that’s not what this is. NTA.” ~ not_inacult
“NTA. This may be a situation that no matter how Frederick phrases it, Roger may be the ‘if he gets to go, I get to go’ mentality.”
“Kind of like a child.”
“OP, you may want to think of an alternate person to stand up with you if Frederick can’t stand up to Roger.” ~ llmcr
“My S[ister] I[n] L[aw]’s actual ceremony was entirely private.”
“Just the officiant and the photographer and no one else.”
“We were all asked to show up after for the party and pictures, and none of us had any issue with it.”
“OP is NTA.” ~ HandoJobrissian
“It may be unpopular and go against ‘etiquette, but I feel even a small wedding shouldn’t have to invite partners.”
“Personally, I feel it’s rude to presume an invite unless the partner also knows the couple well.”
“Obviously, huge weddings are the exception, though.”
“But in OP’s case they are 100% in the right. NTA.” ~ Auroraburst
“NTA. Couples don’t have to do everything together.”
“Find à new best man.” ~ Primary-Criticism929
“’Couples don’t have to do everything together’ applies to things like going to the gym, happy hours, and going for coffee with friends.”
“It’d be a pretty weird look not to invite one of the partners of a guest so high in importance, as that person’s partner is likely pretty important to you by association, I would think.”
“That is, of course, if this were a more common ‘wedding.'”
“This, however, is not that, so I think it’s an issue of how this was presented, and OP is NTA.” ~ FizziestBraidedDrone
“NTA, there are three people beyond the spouses invited, asking for a plus one is insane.”
“Considering how small it is, I’m not sure why Roger even wants to go – I would NOT feel comfortable forcing myself into a three-person wedding party.” ~ hippoknife
“NTA. This isn’t a regular large wedding.”
“It would’ve been different if it had been.”
“However, in this situation, it’s actually not an issue you can solve.”
“This is between Roger and Frederik.”
“You’ve made your stance clear, and now it’s up to them to figure it out.” ~ Throwaway-2587
“I didn’t even go to my own best friend’s wedding because she chose to have no guests and just do something with the two of them and their witnesses.”
“I can’t imagine making a big deal about someone else’s day. NTA.” ~ justanosey*itch
“Same. They had their parents and her sister. That was it.”
“Would I have loved to see my best friend get married? Of course.”
“Did it ever cross my mind to ask for an invite?”
“Of course not. NTA.” ~ VideoAltruistic534
“NTA. Roger is being whiny.”
“No one is bringing a partner except for you.”
“This shouldn’t be hard.” ~ 13auricles
“You might have to rethink Frederik being your best man if Roger is making this much of a fuss.”
“He might show up anyway or just make Frederik miss the ceremony on the day of, which would be worse if you are at the courthouse waiting for him.”
“You explained it to Roger, and he still demanded to be included.”
“Anyone who is being this childish is capable of anything.” ~ Malibucat48
“This. Take Frederik and Roger out to a meal. This shows you acknowledge them as a couple and will let Roger feel included.”
“Explain again that you are only having required people there plus a free photographer.”
“Then explain why you chose Frederick as your witness (try not to use best man as it sounds very ceremonial, witness fits with the legal process vocab).”
“Tell Roger that if you were hosting a larger party, he would be invited, but that neither you nor your partner are comfortable doing so.”
“Point out that bending the rules for him makes it harder to deny others, like family members.”
“Finish by saying you really wanted Frederick to fulfill the witness role, but if it’s going to drive a wedge between them, you will find someone else.”
“It will be hard to do but try to be as calm as possible, don’t say ‘because of you’ or, ‘you are making it difficult’ – that becomes an attack.”
“If you can pull that off, Roger will have to face up to being an AH.”
“And acknowledge that he is denying Frederick something that (I assume) would be very important to him and that no disrespect was meant.”
“Either he will cave, or he will whine and try to fight/flip this on you.”
“The calmer you can remain, the more unreasonable he will look, at least to Frederick.”
“I’m really sorry you’re in this position at all. NTA.” ~ MirriIllyria
“NTA – I had a male of honor at my wedding – he gave me away.”
“Male of honor asked if he could bring his girlfriend to the wedding. I declined.”
“He is no longer with said girlfriend.”
“We didn’t tell our families that we were getting married, and yet he wanted to involve random people.”
“Hard NTA OP!” ~ Ok_Ranger_6134
OP came back with an Update…
“We talked to Frederik again, and he told us that he will attend the ceremony.”
“He also said that Roger is unreasonable in this situation.”
“A fact that we didn‘t mention before is that neither of us (fiancée and I) were invited to their wedding six years ago.”
“It was also a small ceremony, and we totally understood so we thought it wouldn’t be a problem for Roger.”
“Thanks for all your comments so far!”
Well, OP, sounds like Reddit is with you and your lady.
It’s good to stand your ground here.
It’s your special day, not Roger’s.
Plus, if you give in to one person and that gets out, just imagine the others who will start chiming in.
Good luck and congratulations!