It is simply the way of life that our parents care for us when we are young, but as we age, we find ourselves caring for our parents.
As they are the ones who brought us into the world, it is the least we can do when they need extra care and attention.
However, part of getting older as well is seeing children fly the coop.
Meaning parents shouldn’t always rely on their adult children’s help or support.
When a recent Redditor became an adult and moved out of their family home, they found themselves more or less supporting their parents.
Something the original poster (OP)’s mother felt she was entitled to, as she was the one who brought the OP into the world.
Unfortunately, this situation finally became too frustrating for the OP, resulting in a harsh exchange of words between the OP and their mother.
Having doubts about their behavior, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my mom that I’m not responsible for her?”
The OP explained why they felt the need to effectively cut their mother off:
“Ever since I graduated college and started making money, my mom expects me to financially support her.”
“I treat her often because I appreciate all she did raising me, but it feels like she uses that as a lifelong excuse.”
“She asked me to pay rent when I lived at home, so I moved out.”
“When she visits me in the city (at her own request), she expects me to pay for all meals because she’s the guest.”
“If she gives me a ride (even though I insisted on taking the train back home), she expects lunch or a gift in return.”
“Because she drove me.”
“I never asked her to?”
“It’s not like she doesn’t have money—she constantly buying luxury items for herself, but she acts like treating me is ‘a waste’.”
“I’m already covering our family’s phone plan, my parents’ and our pets’ insurance.”
“I’m grateful that I’m in a position where I can afford it while maxing out my savings but I also want to prioritize my own future.”
“She guilt-trips me constantly with, ‘We paid for your childhood, now it’s your turn’.”
“We’re planning a Europe trip that she suggested, and when it came time to book, she just stared at me.”
“I ended up offering to cover everyone’s flights and hotels.”
“But instead of being thankful, she acts like it’s expected.”
“She was like ‘oh yeah we payed for all the family trips when you were little’.”
“When I brought it up, she got defensive, saying she deserves to spend her money on herself now as she sacrificed so much for us while we were young.”
“She paid for our sport lessons, tutors, vacations, etc. and I’m selfish for not doing this one thing for my family.”
“What really got to me was when I asked for input on the trip plans and she replied, ‘I planned everything when you were kids’.”
“‘Now it’s your turn’.”
“That made me snap.”
“I told her, ‘You chose to be a mom’.”
“‘I didn’t ask for any of that’.”
“‘I’m grateful, but you can’t keep throwing it in my face’.”
“‘You’re going on this trip too’.”
“I’m happy to plan the itinerary but contribute to it’.”
“She hasn’t replied and we haven’t talked in a week.”
“Am I just being bratty?”
“Are adult kids really supposed to shoulder this much for their parents if they provided a lot during childhood?”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling their mother they were not required to support her.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s mother had a very skewed perception when it came to adult children supporting their parents, with many urging the OP to cut off all financial support, if not all ties, immediately:
“Time to cancel the trip and cut your losses.”
“This is so toxic. you are NTA.”
“You are absolutely right, your mom CHOSE to be a mom, and she shouldn’t want you to spend your hard earned money on her, she should want you to invest in your future.”- VPR2012
“NTA.”
“She paid for your upbringing because that was literally her legal responsibility.”
“She doesn’t get brownie points for raising her child.”
“Now, if you want to support her, that’s great.”
“But you don’t owe her anything just because she fed and housed her kid.”- OkeyDokey654
“You chose to be a mom. I didn’t ask for any of that. I’m grateful, but you can’t keep throwing it in my face’.”
“You said it.”
“NTA.”- Zazzog
“God, I f*cking hate parents like this.”
“NTA.”
“Your parents are not entitled to your money.”
“You’re not ‘required’ to treat them because they raised you at their own expense.”
“You literally owe them exactly zero.”
“Nothing.”
“I’m dead serious.”
“Cancel the whole trip and book yourself a vacation all on your own.”
“They can pay their own way from now on.”
“You ‘owe’ them jack squat.”
“Take your mother’s silence as a sign to cut her off completely.”
“She wants to be a part of your life, then she can stop acting like an entitled brat.”- R4eth
“NTA.”
“I hate attitudes of parents that,t because they brought a child into this world, the child owes them everything.”
“No, the parent chose to bring a sentient being into existence without it having any say, and then governed that being for 18 years.”
“That the parent supports their child is a duty.”
“I (42 M[ale]) will certainly never treat my son this way.”
“He didn’t ask to be born any more than I did.”- He_Who_Is_Person
“NTA.”
“Parents pay for kids in childhood because that’s their choice they made when having kids.”
“Its not so those kids will buy you things when they’re adults.”
“She is being outlandish and incredibly entitled.”
“Can you cancel the flights and hotels?”
“That’s absolutely insane that you were forced into covering them.”
“If she wants to go to Europe, she can pay to go to Europe.”
“Do not do any of the planning.”
“You didn’t sign up for that.”
“I think it’s totally fine to tell them that you’re no longer able to pay for the flights and hotels.”
“They will need to pay you back for them, or you will be cancelling the reservations by June 20th.”
“Your mom is an expert-level manipulator.”
“I highly recommend pulling back from her and going no contact.”- EfficiencyForsaken96
“NTA, and honestly, I would not be covering anything for her moving forward, this trip included.”
“You are absolutely right.”
“She chose to have kids.”
“You do not owe her anything.”
“Let her know the Bank is closed.”- NotTheMama4208
“NTA.”
“Time to pull back your financial help.”
“Patents are required to take care of their kids while they are not adults.”
“It’s your choice to help as an adult.”
“She does not appreciate what you do.”
“Stop paying for things and giving gifts.”- stuckinnowhereville
“NTA.”
“Paying for your child is part of being a parent; it’s not an investment in your own livelihood.”
“It’s great to treat your parents to dinner from time to time, but it should not always be an expectation.”- HolSmGamer
“NTA and this is not normal.”
“Many parents continue to treat their adult kids, because they can and because they want to.”
“Yes, sometimes adult kids help out their parents, especially if they are able and their parents are in need.”
“Your situation is something else.”
“It sounds like your mother is being obnoxious, demanding, and entitled.”
“That’s kind a gross.”
“You might want to just stop doing stuff with/for her for a while.”
“I mean, who would want to deal with that?”- ScarletNotThatOne
“NTA.”
“‘When she visits me in the city (at her own request), she expects me to pay for all meals because she’s the guest’.”
“Lol, she can expect all she wants.”
“Feel free to decline to act on her expectations.”- StAlvis
“NTA.”
“Your mother most definitely is.”
“When I was in my late 20s earning a good living, I would take my mother out for a meal every Sunday.”
“She never expected me to pay and was always very appreciative of whatever I paid/did for her.”
“‘Normal’ parents don’t do what your mother is doing.”
“She’s absolutely using you, and guilt tripping you into doing her bidding.”
“You were right in what you said to her.”
“She chose to have children and she was responsible for taking care of you when you couldn’t take care of yourself.”
“She’s a grown assed adult fully capable of taking care of herself.”
“You don’t owe her anything financially.”
“If she were having trouble making ends meet, it would be a decision you would make on your own if you chose to help her out.”
“You are under no obligation just because she gave birth to you.”
“If I were you I’d cancel the trip, or at least cancel her portion of it.”
“You need to continue building your own net worth for your retirement, not use your money to support her whims.”- SquirrellyDog2016
While most children will readily and willingly care for their parents as they get older, that care is not a guarantee.
Similarly, if their children become highly successful in adulthood, that doesn’t mean that they get to reap the benefits of their children’s success.
Two things the OP’s mother had better learn to appreciate soon, if she wants to sustain any sort of relationship with her child.