The gaming community sometimes gets an undeserved bad rap.
Then sometimes...
A female gamer made friends with a fellow gamer online. He made certain assumptions about her that she never corrected, because to her it didn't matter.
He had a very different opinion.
After the fallout, she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor throwawaitaa asked:
"AITA for 'hiding' my gender?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Last month I befriended a guy I met through a game on PS4. It's a team based game and we work very well together which makes it very fun."
"From the start I felt that he assumed I'm a dude but I didn't care. We got along well, he wasn't toxic or rude, and we even swapped numbers."
"FYI, I don't use voice chat so he never heard my voice. Also I have a unisex name (think 'Charlie') so I guess that didn't help."
"When we text we mostly talk about games or similar stuff but sometimes he would tell me personal things. For example being rejected by a girl or something like that."
"I just said that sucks, sorry about that etc but then we'd go back to talking about our interests."
"He was a lot more open than I was."
"Yesterday we texted and I told him that I wouldn't be available this weekend. He asked me what I'm doing and I told him that I'm doing something with my boyfriend (BF)."
"He asked me if I'm gay. I told him that I'm a (straight) girl."
"Wow...he freaked out big time."
"He started calling me a liar and a manipulative bitch. He said that I purposely hid my gender from him and that I'm full of sh*t."
"He said that I only mentioned my BF because I'm a 'cruel, selfish c*nt' and that I'm the reason nobody respects women (lol he really said this)."
"I was seriously shocked and told him that he has f'king problems. He sent me this very long text accusing me of being 'unethical' and 'predatory'."
"He genuinely believes I tricked him into thinking I'm a guy. I never said I'm a guy, he just assumed and I didn't care."
"Soooo am I the [a**hole]?"
Despite having a variety of options to choose from, every Redditor declared the OP was Not The A**hole.
According to the AITA subReddit, NTA is for "scenarios where the OP is NOT to blame and the other party described in their scenario is to blame."
"NTA. How do you think he would have reacted if he found out and you were single?" ~ Intralipid
"'Oh you are a single girl?? Send nudes please!'"
"There are plenty of people to play with online. He sounds like a dick. You owe him nothing. Remove him from your friends list." ~ EggrollExpress81
"It saddens me but FPS (First Person Shooter) gaming community is incredibly misogynistic. It is bad to an extent that many players believe women inherently can't play, that they are either 'carried' up by other team members, or cheating in some sort of way."
"They would do sleazy jokes, and they would attack their own team member if they are a woman. I recommend videos from Spawntaneous to check out how bad it really is."
"Dude realized that for a few days he took a woman player seriously. When he realized what happened he experienced all-encompassing disgust."
Like a KKK member that realized his best friend has black roots. Like Hitler realizing he married a Jewish woman."
"It's awful, disgusting, unforgivable bigotry. And yet, this is gaming community for you."
"Not all gamers are like this, perhaps not even a majority, but certainly this toxic crowd is very visible." ~ quick_justice
Female gamers chimed in with why it is almost a necessity to either play with people they know or hide their gender online.
"Yup. It's why I only go on [microphone] with people I know. We invited a random to do a raid and everything was fine."
"We were joking and laughing and having a great time. Turns out he thought I was a prepubescent boy and didn't realize I was an adult woman with kids until the final boss. He started acting really weird after that."
I've been messaged all kinds of crazy, violent and misogynistic sh*t since the dawn of online gaming. Dudes are fine accepting a raid or crucible carry from me until they realize I'm not only female but a married mom." ~ AlarmingSorbet
"I used to game about a decade ago with my husband and several of our sons but it was sh*t like that that made me stop. I didn't want my husband and sons, some of whom were already young adults, to have to defend me against men trapped in their mother's basements eating cold hot pockets instead of relaxing like we wanted to."
"Side note my bestie is also a middle-aged gamer girl and it just feeds her [in-game] hate as her husband and sons just laugh as she destroys everyone. That's part of why she's my bestie." ~ MeadowLarkBird
"This. So much this.
"As a married mom, people are like 'OoH a GaMeR GiRl. Go play animal crossing or sims or *insert other casual, no talent game*' it gets pretty old."
"I've been playing online games since it was a thing. And sure while I'm not the best at FPS, Apex is an absolute love of mine."
"And regardless of sexist jerks, I'm still gonna play. I have an all female squad and we carry most of the time.
"So, I don't have to play with randoms. But I get a fair share of hate mail for being a woman." ~ Pickle_Lips94
"My eldest wants me to carry him through D1, which is cool with me, but he doesn't understand why I don't want to talk to randoms. He hasn't encountered that kind of vitriol yet and I'm hoping he will never have to." ~ AlarmingSorbet
"Here's hoping!! I don't want my kid to have to experience that, simply because she too is female, but you always have those handfuls."
"I play with my husband, and my girl squad. No randoms for me." ~ Pickle_Lips94
The OP came back to give an update.
"I blocked his number and then he started texting me from a different number because he said he wasn't finished with his rant. I blocked him again and he somehow found my Instagram and started messaging me on there."
"His tone suddenly changed and he apologized for attacking me. I told him to stop contacting me and he freaked out again and called me a 'narcissistic, manipulative slut'."
"Reported & blocked him."
If there was still any uncertainty here, he certainly removed all doubt. He was definitely the a**hole.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.