We live in a diverse world, where people of all different walks of life co-mingle on a daily basis. Even now, in isolation, we stay connected.
And as humans, we are interested in and curious about so many of our fellows. Since communication is such a big factor in pursuance of interest, sometimes we need to adapt our style of communication.
That was the situation Redditor throwRAaskherout had with a classmate of his. He went to the popular subReddit "Relationship Advice" for some help:
"I like a deaf girl who only speaks through sign language. How can I ask her out/take her on a date?"
Our original poster, or OP, has already been around this girl, named Kara:
"I (20m[ale]) have a class with this girl Kara (20f[emale]). She's deaf, and has been since she was 17, so she speaks with a translator in sign language since she has a hard time lip-reading. I've been in study groups with her and she's friends with many of my friends."
And he already thinks very highly of her:
"She's hilarious, super smart, kind, and gorgeous. I think she likes me back, but since we've only talked through a translator and through a friend who knows sign language, it's hard to tell if she actually does like me or not."
And at this time, opportunity might be on his side:
"We follow each other on Instagram and I know we're both quarantining near our college. She's staying with her friend who knows sign language, and our friend group has talked on Zoom with Kara's friend translating."
And OP wants to make a move, but has a number of questions first:
"I really want to ask her out, but I'm not sure how, or how we would talk on a date. I do want to learn ASL, but I'm unsure how to begin and I don't know how much sign language I could learn in a few weeks. But it would probably be awkward if we had our friend there translating between us."
He has some ideas but needs some help refining them:
"I think I'd probably ask her out over text, but I don't know what to do next. Would her being deaf make a difference in where I take her? What are some ways I can talk to her? I honestly am nervous and awkward as hell around her and I'm worried the language barrier could amplify that. I'd appreciate any advice possible!"
Reddit came to the rescue almost immediately.
"This is wholesome. I'm a deaf girl and would have been so charmed if someone wanted to put this effort into being with me. She won't expect you to be able to know a lot of sign language and she'll be pretty understanding. I think that would be a wonderful way to ask her out is by signing it to her."
"There's a lot of resources online but honestly, let her teach you. Bring along a notepad and pen for sure, but really humans do a lot of communicating without saying a single word. As far as specific places to take deaf people, there's really not a limit beyond personal preference."
"She may not realize it (nor do a lot of people) but in recent years a lot of movies have been becoming Deaf/HoH friendly. Call ahead and ask if they have a closed captioning device for a specific screening. Concerts can be and are enjoyed by the deaf but that may fall into a more personal preference thing. Honestly, you're already ahead for even thinking about these things."~AllMyHandlesAreTaken
"As someone who has rented out entire screens for my company to attend movies for a group party I can tell you that every major cinema chain has closed caption devices available at the box office. They either attach to the chair or fit in the cup holder. It's got a dark screen with fast scrolling easy to read text. It was super cool the first time I saw them because I learned ASL in college and work with people who are non hearing and I had never really even considered the movie theater experience."~4Eights
"I love this so much. I would learn as much ASL as you can and just ask her, assuming she agrees to go out with you, where she'd like to go and the best way to communicate with her without an interpreter."~cadycxx
"Hi! As a fellow Deaf girl, just show her you are interested. Write her a note or better yet, learn how to sign 'do you want to go on a date with me?' There are free tutorials on YouTube and I guarantee you she will appreciate the effort. Anytime anyone knows sign language, or when I know they've learned it just for me, it makes it that much more special."
"Also, if you guys do go out, make sure there is adequate lighting for her to be able to lip-read. The noise level doesn't really matter, but good lighting is a must. Just remember that she can do anything a hearing girl could do, she just does it a little differently."~hb-cl
Redditors are so charmed by OP wanting to take Kara on this date that they've immediately come up with several ideas and solutions.
"Yeah, if you're really into this girl, it's definitely time to learn some sign language. You can probably arrange to text/write notes/something else during the date, but ultimately the only way you two have a future is if you learn to sign anyway, so you may as well start now."
"I'd highly recommend consulting with some folks from the deaf community on exactly how to ask her out, though, instead of a more general relationship thread (pretty sure they have a subreddit or several). That way you can get some opinions from people who've lived her experience on how to ask her out without it accidentally ending up offensive or terrible."~minizookeeper
"Hey! I'm a CODA (Child of a Deaf Adult) and HoH [Hard of Hearing]. My favorite free resources are the Lifeprint website, and Bill Vicars' channel on Youtube. He's a deaf ASL teacher who posts all of his one-on-one lessons, and they're super easy to learn from! He has everything from the bare basics to medical ASL. I really recommend both of those, and if you have an apple device, deaf actress Marlee Matlin has an app for learning sign. I believe it's called Marlee Signs, but I'm not positive as I don't have any apple devices."
"Just making an effort to learn is a really great thing. It's hard for deaf and HoH people, as most hearing people expect THEM to learn to lip read and speak to accommodate them. Good luck, and even if it doesn't work out, ASL is a very versatile and useful language to know! I've used it in every single job I've had at least once, no matter what state I lived in. I hope these resources help!!"~thatslesbianismbaby
"In high school I had a teacher who was married to a deaf woman. He told me that he was a college football player that thought he was hot shit. His sophmore year he walked in to class and said 'hey' to this stunning woman and she just ignored him. He came up with all sort of rude assumptions about this 'prudish' woman because she ignored him. He discovered once class started that she was deaf because she had an interpreter."
"He was completely enamored with her and taught himself sign language to ask her out. They are now happily married with 3 kids."
"My advice, start trying to learn the basics. Get that down, and learn how to ask her out in sign language. That extra effort will go a long way. Just shoot your shot man."~mallemm3346
"This is really wholesome. I think it's best to establish if she likes you before diving into sign language. I think if both of your handwriting is legible it'd be a lot more personal to write to each other than text but then texting is easier."
"If it goes well I think you've got some sign language lessons coming soon! I think taking her somewhere with not a lot of distractions will help. Best of luck :)"~ProntoManage
After all, when the world seems so dark, isn't a little wholesome light just what we need?
"Hi! I find this really endearing and sweet. I'm deaf myself. I would love to see the effort the guy will do to improve the communication setting. It will be a very attractive thing to see. When you take her out, make sure you are looking at her when she's signing. It's very important because that's how a deaf person knows you're paying attention. Don't leave her out on things either. It's a big pet peeve! Treat her like she's the only person there with you. Bring a note pad and pen. I'm not fluent in ASL but it is pretty easy to pick up. Have her teach you a few sign. That will be a lot of fun for her. Please give us an update!!!"~icats77
"Learning sign language is like learning any language: it takes some time to get it right. Start now. r/languagelearning has some support and links."
"That being said, quarantining is a good place to start because most videochats have a typing chat function. You can video chat while using the text chat function to communicate. But if you must go to a place with her, then I don't see any problem with using text messaging while you're together. It's odd, but I think it's a cute workaround. How would you ask her out? Via some texting medium, either her phone, social media PMs, or email."~InfernalWedgie
"I'm hearing impaired (and use a hearing aid in one ear) so I can tell you some tips!
1 - learn some sign, so you can have a bit of a conversation
2 - colleges usually offer these classes
3 - Deaf and HoH people are just that. People. Relate to things she likes and hobbies etc."
"In the dates I've been on my hearing hasn't made too much a difference, but I feel like that lies in the difference in hearing ability. Some HoH people have some hearing (such as myself) and some have absolutely none at all. It would depend on her hearing abilities."~The_Jaded_Ginger
"I started an ASL class at the beginning of June, and I can hold basic conversations with people already! It's a lot of fun and pretty easy (for me, idk if others feel this way learning it). There's a book called "signing naturally" and we're doing units 1-6 for this class. Look up some online resources for free too, there are a lot of good websites out there. If she does like you, she'll be blown away by your effort to learn :) worst case, you learn a new language!"~throwaway227788
Though normal society may have stopped for awhile, our humanity lives on.
OP now has some options by which to ask Kara out. We wish him—and them—the best.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.