As much as we might love our significant others, we can accept the fact that they are not totally perfect.
We might even admit that they have a flaw we could definitely live without if given the chance.
But if we ever wanted to talk to our partner about improving this quality, we'd have to choose our words carefully, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowRAup_over345 had known for a long time that his wife was pessimistic, to the point that her outlook sometimes bothered him.
When her coworkers began to express the same feelings he had, the Original Poster (OP) thought it would be a good time to talk to his wife about her attitude.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my wife that I agree with her coworkers?"
The OP recognized that his wife was chronically pessimistic.
"My wife 'Lexi' (28 Female), and I (30 Male) have been together for five years."
"Lexi and I have always had a pretty solid relationship. We do have our issues just like any other couple, but we always work through it in the end."
"One reoccurring issue that has been causing some drama lately is Lexi's coworkers."
"About six months ago, Lexi got a new job at a local supermarket. Roughly three months into it, she started complaining about how her coworkers don't like her and that she can't stand them. She kept going on and on about how annoying they are and that her coworkers claim the reason why they don't like her is because she's a 'constant downer.'"
"I wouldn't say anything during these discussions, but I would find myself secretly agreeing with Lexi's coworkers."
"I love Lexi, but one trait that has always been an issue is her pessimism. Lexi has a bad habit of thinking negatively, assuming the worst in other people, and generally has a defeated attitude. She's basically a 'Debby Downer.'"
The OP wanted to see for himself what Lexi's relationship with her coworkers was like.
"After months of her going on and on about how awful her coworkers are, I decided to take a look for myself."
"A couple of days ago, I had the day off, so I went to Lexi's place of work and observed her interacting with her coworkers. Lexi knew that I would be there and insisted that she would prove to me that she was being 'unfairly targeted.'"
"During several interactions, Lexi would endlessly complain about having to be at work, she would say nasty things about customers, etc."
"She also had very bad body language. She would roll her eyes and obnoxiously sigh when customers left her registry. It wasn't comfortable to watch."
"I was there for about two hours when I decided to leave and go back home."
The follow-up conversation did not go at all how Lexi had expected.
"After Lexi came home from work, she immediately started complaining about her coworkers and how 'cold they were towards her for no reason.'"
"She felt vindicated and said, 'So, do you believe me now? Now do you understand why I have to b***h all the time? Maybe now you can understand how I feel.'"
"I explained to her that, based on what I observed, I actually agree with her coworkers."
"Lexi exploded on me! She yelled that I'm just like everyone else and that I'm a 'slimy weasel' for siding with her coworkers."
"She stormed out of the house and is currently staying with her mom."
"I'm trying my best to understand where she's coming from, but I don't know what else I can do."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some couldn't get past the image of the OP creeping around his wife's place of work.
"It's f**king bizarre that you showed up at your wife's place of work and observed her and her coworkers for hours." - 0biterdicta
"What was he DOING for two hours? Did he hang around Lexi's register? I can't imagine how the other workers felt about that."
"Still NTA, OP. Lexi needs to know so she can change her behavior, but her mindset will be harder to change." - taleeta2411
"Imagine being one of her coworkers. You're just trying to make it through your s**tty work day and some guy is just standing around the place watching you."
"Your wet mop of a coworker is b***hing about customers, and you're like, 'That's amazing, Lexi, but have you not noticed the weirdo staring at us this whole time?'" - Season_ofthe_B***h
"How did he even pull this off?! Was he waiting in their lunchroom? Pretending to be a shopper and following them along the aisles? Parked outside and assumed words were said by their body language?"
"Maybe a combo of all three? It all sounds ridiculously hilarious." - gremgremlyn
"He was just standing off to the side holding an old newspaper with eye holes cut out."
"Pretending to read a candy bar wrapper for 20 minutes while his wife complains about the wonky scanner on her register for the third time to her increasingly nervous coworker who has definitely texted her friend about the creeper that's just been hanging around." - Season_ofthe_B***h
"Three raccoons in a trenchcoat!" - NoTreacle143
On a more serious note, some reassured the OP that he was on the right track.
"NTA. You did the right thing. She'll either take it to heart and start taking steps to change, or your marriage will gradually deteriorate, and you'll move on with your life and hopefully find someone with a better disposition." - Content-Plenty-268
"Your wife sounds like she could benefit from working with a mental health professional. A situation doesn't force her to be negative. Her personality and free choice have led to her acting this way. She can change if she wants to."
"NTA. Your wife is. She asked you to look at the situation because she was sure that you would agree with her. She asked for the truth, but she can't handle the truth." - JazzyKnowsBest13
"NTA. Sometimes you have to tell your partners the truth and have them confront their flaws. She didn't marry a Yes Man who would coddle her."
"She needs to take a good hard look at herself and work on things, and maybe go through some therapy." - Okay-Arachnid890
"NTA. Your wife likely doesn't realize just how negative she's being. I worked with a friend for six months, and one day after listening to her complain for hours on end, I started marking a tally."
"She was shocked when I told her that she said, 'I hate this, I want to die, 53 times in one eight-hour shift."
"It is really hard to be positive or even a good coworker when you're combating that negativity. She thought we were commiserating together, but wasn't paying attention to the fact that I wasn't interested in joining in."
"And if your wife is more positive outside of work, maybe have a discussion about a career or job change." - fatbabyangelface
"NTA."
"Honestly, it's weird that people are slamming you for going to see for yourself. Even though you have enough experience with her to know her outlook, you actually bothered to validate her in order to be fair. Come on. If you hadn't, they would come down on you for that."
"Anyhow. She really needs to figure something out. I honestly could not live with someone like that."
"Have you considered doing something like a gratitude journal and maybe working on them together? You could require her to find a positive every day at work, too, to see if that helps her change her outlook when there?"
"Realistically she probably needs therapy. There is something lacking in her self-awareness." - OLAZ3000
But others thought that the OP's approach to talking to his wife was questionable at best.
"This is... delicate. It's hard to approach, but I think you owe your wife a conversation about her general disposition and how she comes across as negative. Obviously, be gentle with your words. Like, 'Hey, I don't think you mean to sound this way, but... let's work on how we can both be more positive every day.'"
"Start gratitude journals together. Say three things you love about each other every day. It might be hard at first, but it will get easier, and it changes the thought process throughout the day."
"This is an ESH for me, because I get it that she's a Debbie downer, but she's your wife, man. You owe her more than taking her coworkers' side." - Sea_Concert_4844
"ESH. She obviously sucks, she's a downer that annoys her coworkers and you. But if this is something that bothers you, just tell her. You don't need to observe her at her place of work or side with the coworkers that she dislikes." - AdPotential2749
"ESH, except for her co-workers. You married a 'Debbie Downer,' and now you complain about her complaining. Then you two, very creepily, decide to have you come to observe them."
"The proper thing to do with your wife would be to suggest maybe customer service is not her thing, suggest that she look elsewhere for work, and see a therapist. You probably should go, too, since you think it is okay for you to go observe her co-workers."
"Visiting a spouse or SO (significant other) at work usually means sitting somewhere occupied doing other things until they are available, then leaving, not watching the staff." - holisarcasm
"Where in the heck does she work that you're able to sneak in and watch her act around her co-workers? Also, is she that pessimistic at home, and have you ever talked to her about it?"
"If she's this reactive to the situation, then she clearly has no idea how she comes across to everyone, including you. Heck, it might even be the first time someone she cares about told her the truth about the situation."
"NTA and maybe a little ESH." - delifte
"I'm gonna say ESH."
"First of all, your wife is the biggest AH of the whole situation. She clearly has a bad attitude that she has no intention of working on. I think she probably needs some serious therapy to start being a more positive person to interact with. Though from what you're saying, it sounds like she's not exactly the self-introspection type."
"That being said, she clearly wasn't looking for a discussion about it. She turned to you as her partner to tell her she isn't a bad person. No matter how valid her coworkers' opinions are, she wanted to feel better about when people were saying things she felt were hurtful. You really should've read the room there, buddy, and that's why I think you were an AH here, too."
"And I just gotta say, watching your wife and her coworkers for a couple of hours is pretty weird. There could have been plenty of ways to determine that your wife probably needs to improve her attitude at work and plenty of ways to address it that didn't involve spying on her and then telling her that her coworkers are right about why they think she's terrible." - ChiefWolfy
The subReddit could empathize with the OP about how hard it must be to be around a negative attitude like this frequently, but they wondered if the OP's approach had been the best one. It was obviously time for the couple to have a tough conversation about Lexi's outlook, but maybe not as a result of awkwardly lingering among a group of unsuspecting coworkers for hours at a time.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.