Work should be acknowledged.
The harder you struggle with something, the more effort you put into it, the more you should be applauded for conquering the thing.
That’s the idea, anyway.
So what happens when someone you love decides to intentionally undermine all that hard work?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Entreprenuer512 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
“AITA, For walking out of an event when my fiancée introduced me as a bookkeeper?”
OP began with introductions and some personal history.
“I (F45) have a Fiancée (M55) who is retired military officer.”
“I own a successful company I started 7 years ago and have a small staff of 25.”
“I worked my way through college, paying as I went.”
“Therefore, I graduated in my early 30s with a double major in Accounting and Business Management. I am very proud of that.”
She explained her business.
“For a little background:”
“I worked hard for my degrees and have zero debt.”
“I know it took me longer than the typical student going full time to college after high school.”
“I worked full time to pay as I took classes.”
“I went to Jr. College first then finished at a 4 year.”
“I took 2 classes per semester…for a long time.”
“But I finally made it!! I have been ‘teased’ that jr. college isn’t the same as going 4 years at a major university.”
“Well, I am proud to have done both and feel the education I received at Jr. college was excellent.”
“I worked as an Accountant for some large corporations, as well as programming and IT.”
“I started my company doing similar support to large and small companies alike.”
“I have a wonderful staff.”
“I manage the contracts, kick off meetings, Sales and Consulting staff.”
“I also do some of the consulting and most of the sales/contracts. My sister is my office manager, and I am blessed in so many ways to have her.”
“I was dating my now fiancée before I started my company, and we recently got engaged.”
Then things changed.
“Everything seemed to be perfect, except he keeps introducing me as a bookkeeper.”
“No disrespect intended to them or the profession. My issue is that I have worked hard to get where I am. I am an accountant, Graduate with a double major, and successful business owner.”
“He could pick almost any other ‘title’ to introduce me as, but he chooses ‘bookkeeper'”.
“I have asked him many, many, many times in private to stop calling me a bookkeeper as it implies to my clients and business associates that he doesn’t respect me or what I have accomplished.”
“He said he doesn’t see the big deal or the difference and continues to do so.”
“I recently pulled him aside and asked him to just introduce me as a consultant at the event we were going to.”
“While there we were talking to a prospective client (for my company) and he says, ‘she has come a long way for a bookkeeper'”.
“I know my face had a full blush at that, excused myself and walked away. We had both driven there, so I got in my car and went home.”
“(We both own our own townhomes). I sent him a text to let him know I was leaving and would talk to him later.”
“He thinks I am over-reacting.”
“My family thinks he is a controlling a*s that doesn’t respect me or women.”
“I’m not sure what to think now.”
“He seemed so supportive when we are together, but not when we are around other people.”
“He tends to treat me like a subordinate, a nice kid, playing with the adults.”
“He does talk down to me in front of my family, but I always assumed he was ‘joking’ badly.”
OP was left to wonder,
“So…AITAH for leaving and over-reacting?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Commenters didn’t hold back on OP’s boyfriend.
“‘My family thinks he is a controlling a** that doesn’t respect me or women.'”
“Gee, I wonder why.”
“‘He seemed so supportive when we are together, but not when we are around other people. He tends to treat me like a subordinate, nice kid, playing with the adults. He does talk down to me in front of my family, but I always assumed he was ‘joking’ badly.'”
“He doesn’t respect your success.”
“What does he do since his retirement?”
“Sounds to me like he’s can’t handle that you are the CEO and owner of a successful business, especially in public.”
“He’s expressing his insecurities by publicly demeaning you. You’ve worked for this, and you deserve someone who respects that.”
“NTA” ~ Fatigue-Error
“It’s that last block that gets me. ‘He tends to treat me….'”
“To quote Ian Flemming:”
“‘Once is happenstance. Twice is a coincidence. Thrice is enemy action”‘.
“This guy is a PROBLEM.”
“OP needs to GTFO, because there is ZERO respect from him coming, and that’s not how you want to live your life.” ~ Sashi-Dice
Others had concerns about the future.
“She’s gonna be the nurse and purse soon enough. So gross.” ~ CoconutJasmineBombe
“Exactly this! AH.”
“OP, he is not going to change and doesn’t want to.”
“This is a major red flag, because it will only get worse if you get married and combine into one household.”
“You worked too hard to have a SO that mocks you.”
“Counseling and a breathing room break might be best to take the time and review the pluses and minuses of marrying or even staying with this man.” ~ FormerIndependence36
Commenters were surprised at OP’s calm attitude.
“NTA. You are under-reacting.” ~ Robossassin
“I suggest talking to him, but with a different bent to it. Instead of saying, ‘I don’t like this,’ start with something more along the lines of…’Why are you threatened by my success?’’
“Or ‘When you do that, it makes you seem very insecure.’”
“You seem absolutely amazing, and I’m so impressed by your hard work and success. I hope you find someone that is not too fragile to be amazed as well. NTA” ~ Blue-Being22
The lack of respect was clear.
“NTA – your fiance’ is repeatedly being a disrespectful AH.”
“‘she has come a long way for a bookkeeper'”
“Yikes – this comment isn’t just him not understanding the difference between bookkeeping & what you do for a living.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being a bookkeeper – but that’s not your job, and THAT comment is phrased to be as demeaning as possible.”
“I’m surprised he used ‘She’ vs ‘This little lady'”
“‘He tends to treat me like a subordinate, nice kid, playing with the adults. He does talk down to me in front of my family, but I always assumed he was ‘joking’ badly.'”
“So that right there – YOU notice it, a LOT.”
“This is what he does to you whenever you meet somebody new.”
“You’ve told him repeatedly that you do not like this.”
“You’ve told him the job titled you prefer.”
“Unless he has a short-term memory issue – he’s deliberately putting you down – so that HE can seem like #1.”
“You’ve tried your best to give him the benefit of the doubt, but you need to stop that – he’s not joking, he doesn’t want his friends & associates thinking that he woman is better than him.”
“Yes that’s a clunky, sexist way to think, but that’s what he’s doing.”
“Since you’ve told him numerous times – each time he does this he’s disrespecting you.”
“You aren’t married yet. Really consider if THAT attitude is something you want to spend the rest of your life with.”
“You two are engaged, which means THIS is as good as he’ll ever be. It’s not likely it would get better with marriage.” ~ CarrieCat62
“Also, can we notice that he did it in front of a possible client, he did it on purpose, for her to not get said client.”
“He doesn’t want her to succeed.”
“Nta” ~ notyoureffingproblem
When in doubt, use sarcasm.
“Telling people, ‘Forgive him. He doesn’t know the difference between…’ is brilliant. It will certainly put him in his place and turn the tables.”
“That said, I don’t think you should forgive him. Saying ‘bookkeeper’ is deliberate. He is trying to diminish your accomplishments and knock you down a few pegs.”
“The right partner would be proud of your accomplishments.” ~ilp456
“I would enjoy correcting him publicly and look at the people and say, ‘its so funny that he does that, I’m actually an accountant and consultant. I’ve told him he sounds insecure when he minimizes my title, but he keeps doing it'”
“Make it awkward.” ~whatsmypassword73
OP did return to announce some changes.
“I had a conversation with him after a few days.”
“He feels I’m lucky to have him and need to listen to his advice more and not over-react.”
“The attitude, along with reading everyone’s replies (Thanks!) I have called it off with him. I need someone who is proud of me and caring.”
“My family responded by buying champagne. LOL”
Acknowledging someone else’s success does not diminish your own.