When dating, one of the worst things that can happen to the relationship is for someone to find out that the other person has been lying or cheating. Any matter of deception is hurtful no matter what the reason behind it was.
But how we handle ourselves when making such a discovery is telling, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor lyinggf_aita did not create the best image of himself after he reacted poorly to the discovery of his girlfriend's family history.
But only after she refused to speak to him did the Original Poster (OP) wonder if he overreacted.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for calling out my girlfriend for living a double-life?"
The OP noticed a few confusing details about his girlfriend.
"I (23 [Male]) have been dating my girlfriend, Jane (21 [Female]) for nearly a year. We go to separate colleges about 40 minutes away from one another, but we still see each other multiple times a week."
"I've noticed though that she always prefers to come to my apartment in a small town rather than me visiting her at her apartment."
"When we talk about family, she is always very reserved and just tells me that she's not close with hers."
"As far as friends go, I've met a great deal of her high school and college friends that all seem average."
There were other things that felt oxymoronic.
"Now, she's always presented herself as a 'broke college student' and will actively say that fact whenever money comes up and laughs it off."
"However, I've noticed over the months that despite saying that, she refuses to eat fast food, she likes going on impromptu 'mini-vacations' which by her standard are just staying within the country but are by no means cheap, and she drives a car worth over $70k."
The OP recently had a strange experience with his girlfriend and some friends.
"Last night we met up with a few of her 'childhood friends' to shoot pool."
"A few of them noticed that I drive a Tesla that I just bought for myself brand new this year. It's my pride and joy, and I will admit that I've done quite well for myself over time and building up my own income."
"Here's where the red flags start. They all called her by a different name. Rather than her name that I and all her friends I've met before call her by. They were calling her something else completely."
"All of these friends were also foreign, coming from Brazil, Spain, Ivory Coast, and etc."
"Eventually while talking about my car, a Brazilian girl named Camilla asked Jane if she intended to ask her father to buy her one. Jane just shrugged it off awkwardly with a 'Maybe.'"
"Throughout the night it became glaringly obvious that all of these 'childhood friends' came from extremely wealthy families, so I asked Jane how she met them."
"She said that they went to school together overseas for a while and went to summer camps together."
"Jane also spoke to most of them in languages other than English, mostly French or Spanish as that's what they all seemed to know besides English."
The OP had questions for his girlfriend after the gathering.
"After we left back to my place, I asked her what the deal was, and she said that she does come from a well-off family, and the name that her friends called her was her actual name."
"She just went by a more common one when she came to our state because it was easier for people to pronounce."
"I felt miffed that she had been lying about her source of income for what seems like years, and that she actually had a lot more money than she had let on."
The OP called his girlfriend out.
"I asked her if I could look at her Venmo, in which I see regular deposits from her father ranging from $400 to $1000 weekly as an 'allowance.'"
"I called her a trust fund baby, and told her that she's a liar for pretending that she doesn't actually have money when she clearly does."
"I said that she's just masquerading around lower classes and likes looking at how we all live."
"She got extremely upset with me and left, and is still refusing to speak to me."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood why the girlfriend didn't want to share this right away.
"ESH. It's obviously not okay to hide the truth from your significant other about your wealth, but geez, your reaction is probably the reason she doesn't disclose how much money she has."
"As long as she hasn't lied in order to get you to pay for things, it's not about hiding from you, it's about being able to trust you. She's obviously uncomfortable with her wealth, but she's not suddenly a completely different person than the one you were dating yesterday." - Dibblesandbits
"YTA. I can tell you from personal experience - there are plenty of people in the world who will gladly take advantage of people explicitly for their money. She was likely protecting herself by not flaunting her resources."
"You are both very young from where I sit, and relationships which haven't even made it to an engagement do not require either party to divulge their financial situation to the other. Maybe she knew that there would be judgment from you, because you certainly sound judgmental to me from where I sit and I don't even know you."
"You can be proud of your Tesla and your accomplishments, it takes nothing away from you that her family is well-off, nor does it reflect poorly on her."
"It's not a double life if she's inviting you to be with her around this other set of friends, or if she didn't tell you to go to hell when you asked to check her Venmo, because I sure would have." - pdxflwerpwer
"I understand you're miffed about the deception but YTA. Maybe she didn't want to reveal her family's wealth because she didn't want to be taken advantage of for her money. She probably wants to be liked for her personality, not the perks that she can afford." - Stitch_Craft
Others were appalled by the OP's behavior.
"YTA"
"I have to say that your post comes across as a little odd. Your girlfriend of almost a year drives a car worth over $70k and takes multiple 'not cheap' mini-vacations while a college student. Yet, you act surprised when you find out her family is wealthy."
"You seem to think she did something wrong by keeping her family's wealth from becoming public knowledge when she almost assuredly wanted people to get to know and like her for being herself."
"People treat people differently when they find out they have money and you just proved that point. Congratulations." - redgrl79
"YTA. Why do you care about her income? From the sound of it, you don't live together and she hasn't been milking you for money, so the amount of money she makes and where that money comes from is absolutely none of your business."
"Nor do you have ANY right to judge her for it."
"It sounds to me that you're p**sed that she hasn't been paying for you to live a cushy lifestyle." - Independent_Sea_836
"It's funny that you think you have the right to see her Venmo. Any normal girl would've dumped you then and there." - Sushi_Burglar
"ESH. I was ready to call you NTA because it's very valid to be angry that a partner deceived you. It's break-up material for sure."
"But then you went and assumed a lot of stuff about why she did it and how she felt about things and focused not on the fact that she lied and that's what made her a bad person, but that she had money and was, therefore, spoiled and evil." - Puzzleheaded_Play390
Some agreed with the OP that his girlfriend messed up, too.
"ESH. You're right to be p**sed, because she did lie to you (the name thing, in particular, is a little creepy)."
"But she probably has good reason to do so. Very wealthy people get paranoid about being used for their money. I've had some wealthy friends in my life and I am very careful to always pay my way."
"I've seen others who don't, they just say things like, 'come on, you know you can afford to cover me,' and guilt people. Needless to say, my wealthier friends drop those people over time. I think you need to ask her when/if she intended to tell you the truth." - HellaShelle
"It's common and completely fine to change your name. The issue is not that she changed it but that she didn't think to tell him in a year of dating."
"I'd be hurt and angry if I heard other people refer to my partner with a name I never heard, for him to say, 'Yeah, that's my real name.' It would make me feel like we weren't as close as I thought." - parisismyfriend
"ESH"
"She lied to him about significant parts of her identity, including her NAME! they have been dating for almost a year! OP overreacted, but I would have been stunned and hurt as well." - StemEngenius96
"ESH was how I felt reading this. The OP's reaction was pretty terrible and intrusive and proved his GF's masquerade as justified, but the GF had seemingly been lying to him for a while."
"I don't know how even someone who behaved well in this situation could move forward with a relationship with someone who acted like that. Nobody comes off well in this." - cidvard
Though the OP believed he was firmly in the right for how he behaved, the subReddit was not so sure.
Of course, it must have been hurtful, and even suspicious, that his girlfriend withheld so much about her identity for well over a year of knowing each other, including her name.
But how the OP handled himself certainly left something to be desired. Rather than trying to have a reasonable discussion about why his girlfriend did this, he demanded to see her financial accounts, which is never a good look.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.