When dating, one of the worst things that can happen to the relationship is for someone to find out that the other person has been lying or cheating. Any matter of deception is hurtful no matter what the reason behind it was.
But how we handle ourselves when making such a discovery is telling, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor lyinggf_aita did not create the best image of himself after he reacted poorly to the discovery of his girlfriend’s family history.
But only after she refused to speak to him did the Original Poster (OP) wonder if he overreacted.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for calling out my girlfriend for living a double-life?”
The OP noticed a few confusing details about his girlfriend.
“I (23 [Male]) have been dating my girlfriend, Jane (21 [Female]) for nearly a year. We go to separate colleges about 40 minutes away from one another, but we still see each other multiple times a week.”
“I’ve noticed though that she always prefers to come to my apartment in a small town rather than me visiting her at her apartment.”
“When we talk about family, she is always very reserved and just tells me that she’s not close with hers.”
“As far as friends go, I’ve met a great deal of her high school and college friends that all seem average.”
There were other things that felt oxymoronic.
“Now, she’s always presented herself as a ‘broke college student’ and will actively say that fact whenever money comes up and laughs it off.”
“However, I’ve noticed over the months that despite saying that, she refuses to eat fast food, she likes going on impromptu ‘mini-vacations’ which by her standard are just staying within the country but are by no means cheap, and she drives a car worth over $70k.”
The OP recently had a strange experience with his girlfriend and some friends.
“Last night we met up with a few of her ‘childhood friends’ to shoot pool.”
“A few of them noticed that I drive a Tesla that I just bought for myself brand new this year. It’s my pride and joy, and I will admit that I’ve done quite well for myself over time and building up my own income.”
“Here’s where the red flags start. They all called her by a different name. Rather than her name that I and all her friends I’ve met before call her by. They were calling her something else completely.”
“All of these friends were also foreign, coming from Brazil, Spain, Ivory Coast, and etc.”
“Eventually while talking about my car, a Brazilian girl named Camilla asked Jane if she intended to ask her father to buy her one. Jane just shrugged it off awkwardly with a ‘Maybe.'”
“Throughout the night it became glaringly obvious that all of these ‘childhood friends’ came from extremely wealthy families, so I asked Jane how she met them.”
“She said that they went to school together overseas for a while and went to summer camps together.”
“Jane also spoke to most of them in languages other than English, mostly French or Spanish as that’s what they all seemed to know besides English.”
The OP had questions for his girlfriend after the gathering.
“After we left back to my place, I asked her what the deal was, and she said that she does come from a well-off family, and the name that her friends called her was her actual name.”
“She just went by a more common one when she came to our state because it was easier for people to pronounce.”
“I felt miffed that she had been lying about her source of income for what seems like years, and that she actually had a lot more money than she had let on.”
The OP called his girlfriend out.
“I asked her if I could look at her Venmo, in which I see regular deposits from her father ranging from $400 to $1000 weekly as an ‘allowance.'”
“I called her a trust fund baby, and told her that she’s a liar for pretending that she doesn’t actually have money when she clearly does.”
“I said that she’s just masquerading around lower classes and likes looking at how we all live.”
“She got extremely upset with me and left, and is still refusing to speak to me.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood why the girlfriend didn’t want to share this right away.
“ESH. It’s obviously not okay to hide the truth from your significant other about your wealth, but geez, your reaction is probably the reason she doesn’t disclose how much money she has.”
“As long as she hasn’t lied in order to get you to pay for things, it’s not about hiding from you, it’s about being able to trust you. She’s obviously uncomfortable with her wealth, but she’s not suddenly a completely different person than the one you were dating yesterday.” – Dibblesandbits
“YTA. I can tell you from personal experience – there are plenty of people in the world who will gladly take advantage of people explicitly for their money. She was likely protecting herself by not flaunting her resources.”
“You are both very young from where I sit, and relationships which haven’t even made it to an engagement do not require either party to divulge their financial situation to the other. Maybe she knew that there would be judgment from you, because you certainly sound judgmental to me from where I sit and I don’t even know you.”
“You can be proud of your Tesla and your accomplishments, it takes nothing away from you that her family is well-off, nor does it reflect poorly on her.”
“It’s not a double life if she’s inviting you to be with her around this other set of friends, or if she didn’t tell you to go to hell when you asked to check her Venmo, because I sure would have.” – pdxflwerpwer
“I understand you’re miffed about the deception but YTA. Maybe she didn’t want to reveal her family’s wealth because she didn’t want to be taken advantage of for her money. She probably wants to be liked for her personality, not the perks that she can afford.” – Stitch_Craft
Others were appalled by the OP’s behavior.
“I have to say that your post comes across as a little odd. Your girlfriend of almost a year drives a car worth over $70k and takes multiple ‘not cheap’ mini-vacations while a college student. Yet, you act surprised when you find out her family is wealthy.”
“You seem to think she did something wrong by keeping her family’s wealth from becoming public knowledge when she almost assuredly wanted people to get to know and like her for being herself.”
“People treat people differently when they find out they have money and you just proved that point. Congratulations.” – redgrl79
“YTA. Why do you care about her income? From the sound of it, you don’t live together and she hasn’t been milking you for money, so the amount of money she makes and where that money comes from is absolutely none of your business.”
“Nor do you have ANY right to judge her for it.”
“It sounds to me that you’re p**sed that she hasn’t been paying for you to live a cushy lifestyle.” – Independent_Sea_836
“It’s funny that you think you have the right to see her Venmo. Any normal girl would’ve dumped you then and there.” – Sushi_Burglar
“ESH. I was ready to call you NTA because it’s very valid to be angry that a partner deceived you. It’s break-up material for sure.”
“But then you went and assumed a lot of stuff about why she did it and how she felt about things and focused not on the fact that she lied and that’s what made her a bad person, but that she had money and was, therefore, spoiled and evil.” – Puzzleheaded_Play390
Some agreed with the OP that his girlfriend messed up, too.
“ESH. You’re right to be p**sed, because she did lie to you (the name thing, in particular, is a little creepy).”
“But she probably has good reason to do so. Very wealthy people get paranoid about being used for their money. I’ve had some wealthy friends in my life and I am very careful to always pay my way.”
“I’ve seen others who don’t, they just say things like, ‘come on, you know you can afford to cover me,’ and guilt people. Needless to say, my wealthier friends drop those people over time. I think you need to ask her when/if she intended to tell you the truth.” – HellaShelle
“It’s common and completely fine to change your name. The issue is not that she changed it but that she didn’t think to tell him in a year of dating.”
“I’d be hurt and angry if I heard other people refer to my partner with a name I never heard, for him to say, ‘Yeah, that’s my real name.’ It would make me feel like we weren’t as close as I thought.” – parisismyfriend
“She lied to him about significant parts of her identity, including her NAME! they have been dating for almost a year! OP overreacted, but I would have been stunned and hurt as well.” – StemEngenius96
“ESH was how I felt reading this. The OP’s reaction was pretty terrible and intrusive and proved his GF’s masquerade as justified, but the GF had seemingly been lying to him for a while.”
“I don’t know how even someone who behaved well in this situation could move forward with a relationship with someone who acted like that. Nobody comes off well in this.” – cidvard
Though the OP believed he was firmly in the right for how he behaved, the subReddit was not so sure.
Of course, it must have been hurtful, and even suspicious, that his girlfriend withheld so much about her identity for well over a year of knowing each other, including her name.
But how the OP handled himself certainly left something to be desired. Rather than trying to have a reasonable discussion about why his girlfriend did this, he demanded to see her financial accounts, which is never a good look.