Weight is a very fragile issue.
There is really no good way to broach the topic.
Case in point…
Redditor Fair_Ad5874 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not inviting my 500+ pound brother in law to our dinner party?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“This last week, me and the wife just finished a major project to redo our entire dining room.”
“This included buying an incredibly fancy marble dining table and new dining chairs.”
“My wife is a professional chef and has dreamed since she was a child of having a high end dining room to host dinner parties in. “
“This project has been one that’s been on the back burner for a while now, and last year I got an unexpected bonus that I decided to use to make this dream a reality.”
“Suffice to say, my wife is over the moon.”
“To celebrate this, her parents and, my parents, my 2 siblings, and my brother’s wife are coming over for the dinner party my wife has dreamed of hosting since she was a child.”
“This is all of our immediate family, except for my wife’s only sibling her sister and her husband. The reason for this is simple, my brother in law physically cannot attend the party as we have it planned.”
“My brother in law is 500+ pounds.”
“To avoid the whole ‘fat shaming’ conversation that I know this will bring up, I’ll talk about why we didn’t invite him.”
“The chairs that we bought cannot support him, and even then he is unable to sit upright due to his weight for long periods of time.”
“He would require to either sit in out living room on the couch or to sit in a medical chair that we cannot get into home (it will not fit though our doors.)”
“Him sitting in there would literally defeat the point of hosting a dinner party for our new dinning room.”
“There’s also the fact that this dinner party would consist of 7 smaller courses, something we know my brother in law would not be ok with.”
“There have been incidents in the past where he harassed my wife over serving smaller portions in the past.”
“This goes into a larger issue with him and food that I’m not going to bring up because I don’t feel like arguing about it.”
“With all of this in mind, when we sent out the invites we excluded him from the list, but not her sister.”
“When he called asking last night as to why he was not invited I did not lie to him, it was because of his weight and past actions regarding food and my wife.”
“He lost his mind because we were excluding him because of his weight.”
“He said this is unfair and that we are being bigots.”
“I told him yes, this is about his weight. “
“That this night is about my wife and being able to fulfil a childhood dream, not about accommodating him and his mobility and food issues.”
“This has caused a s**t storm.”
“My wife’s sister is now calling me a fat phobic a**hole and has gone on facebook and publicly shamed me and my wife.”
“While my wife and everyone attending the party has told me that we should just ignore it.”
“My friends have told me that I am a major a**hole and an elitist for all this.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“As someone who is well overweight, I don’t see any of this as fat-phobic.”
“You CLEARLY state the chairs won’t support him, something I’ve come across in my own life and know it’s a factor out of people’s hands.”
“I’ve broken a chair or two and it’s freaking embarrassing.”
“I WISH someone had your decency to be like: that chair isn’t going to support you, instead of just letting the chips (and a**) fall where they may. As for him COMPLAINING ABOUT PORTIONS, that’s rude.”
“Eat as much as you want at home, but if you’re at someone else’s house, you eat what you’re given and if there’s more, ask for more POLITELY.”
“If it wasn’t clear, NTA. Good luck my dude, and ignore the Facebook bs.”
“Congratulations to your wife and you on your new dining room. I hope she enjoys it.” ~ sapphirecupcake8
“Agreed that even if OP’s house could accommodate the B[rother] I[n] L[aw], BIL should be blacklisted for his rudeness.”
“Dinner parties like this are not about feeding guests to the point of satiation, it’s about the flavors and presentation and overall dining experience.”
“Obviously the hosts aren’t going to let their guests leave hungry, but the general rule is still quality over quantity!”
“Obviously this isn’t a blanket statement about all larger people, but it’s pretty clear why BIL is 500+ pounds.”
“He is ridiculously entitled about food and unwilling to address what I think is a very obvious food addiction.”
“Anyways, there is nothing wrong with admitting, ‘I didn’t invite you because I literally cannot accommodate you.'”
“Yes, his size is a factor, but it’s also an immovable obstacle. There is also nothing wrong with saying, ‘You’re not invited because you are a rude guest.'”
“Because if he were a kinder person, you might be more motivated to come up with workarounds.”
“But no one is going to do that for someone who whines that he’s not getting enough free food.” ~ saucynoodlelover
“NTA, when you’re that heavy you have to face the reality that you cannot do the same things as other people and he sounds like he’s in denial.”
“Your wife’s sister is an enabler as well.” ~ captainkaiju
OP wanted to clarify a bit…
“Edit: I’m sorry, I see some people are confused. English is not my native language.”
“My brother in law is married to my wife’s sister. We are not related to him by blood.”
“We are unable to accommodate him, we never have been able to.”
“Our old dining chairs could not hold his weight either, and I am not going to risk the new chairs to try.”
“He has always eaten in our living room when he came over.”
“Getting him a medical chair in our house is impossible as our doors are too narrow to fit one in, this includes wheelchairs large enough to hold him.”
“I was not the one to invite my wife’s sister, she was.”
“I would have not invited her if I had the final say, but my wife wanted to invite her because she felt she was a part in her following her dreams as a chef.”
“I avoided talking about my brother in law personally and focused on the logistics of the event because I did not want to make any personal attack against him.”
“He has been incredibly rude to my wife before in regards to food.”
“But I do not want to make any personal statement and would rather hit the nail on the head and be up front that it is his weight that we will not accommodate.”
“NTA. He has harassed your wife over serving small portions in the past, and a theme of this party is small courses.”
“His behavior would likely repeat and be a problem.”
“Even without the special conditions his weight imposes, his behavior would be enough of an issue to exclude him.” ~ TinyRascalSaurus
OP responded…
“I hate to mention this because if feels far too cliché, but his behavior with food is incredibly abusive towards both himself and the people who serve him.”
“For me at least, this was a big reason why I was inclined not to make any accommodations that my wife would not also be ok with.”
“NTA. His weight unfortunately does not allow him to participate in this event, and while it sucks he is excluded, the reality of the event is that he cannot attend it as planned.”
“Special accommodation would have to be made that would change the entirety and the purpose of the event.” ~ RideTheWindForever
“He has allowed his own mobility to be radically limited to where he cannot participate in normal activities.”
“Unless there are medical reasons his weight is so out of control then that’s just on him.”
“Besides, if even your mother on law and father on law are siding with you and saying not to worry about it, then there must be a reason the whole family has your back.”
“Some times people need tough love to get their crap in order. NTA.” ~ Wombatseal
“NTA. I am not sure what you are supposed to do.”
“What is his suggestion as to a solution? Or what does her sister think you should do?”
“I mean if he can be brought in to the house in a wheelchair and sit in the kitchen away from everything and that’s ok with him, then that’s a choice he can make.”
“Otherwise I don’t know what you should do.” ~ Msmediator
Well it sounds like this is going to be an uncomfortable dinner.
Reddit clearly has some strong thoughts.
Hopefully OP and the family can find a way to break bread in peace.