Proper communication can solve so many problems.
Meeting up on time, picking the right decorations, and a thousand other things can be solved just by talking properly and communicating what you need and want.
It’s a wonder that more people don’t express themselves with clarity.
However…
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) dragonfoot747 when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for not taking the whole day off for SIL wedding because she didn’t make me a part of it?”
Wedding bells.
“My wife’s sister (SIL) is getting married on a Saturday this summer.”
“I have a shaky relationship with SIL, as she ‘jokes’ about me during family events.”
“Humor is one thing, but these tend to always be negative jokes about my character. Because of this, I have always thought that she doesn’t like me.”
“I was waiting for her to possibly ask me to play some role in the wedding since my wife is the maid of honor and our only son is ring bearer.”
“The couple did not ask me to play a role in any way.”
“I asked what time I had to be at the wedding and I was told noon.”
“I work a 12 hour shift on the wedding day so I decided to just take 6 hours off so I could be there around noon, but I’ll still have to be up at 0400 the next day for work.”
But then…
“I found out from my wife that SIL and future BIL are extremely upset and have been intentionally ignoring me since they found out.”
“They told my wife they expected me to take the entire day off (I work 12 hours every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday).”
“Because they think of me as a brother and assumed I would just want to be there for the rehearsal, dinner, morning of wedding, and wedding/reception.”
“Them not asking me to play a role, especially with my wife and our son having roles, confirmed for me that they don’t like me, so I felt no obligation to take the morning of the wedding off of which I have no part.”
“I work 12-hour shifts, and taking one day off really cuts into my available PTO so this played a factor in my decision as well.”
“I’m in no way upset for not having a role and my decision was in no way retaliatory.”
“It’s not my wedding, so I don’t make the calls, so it doesn’t bother me.”
“My wife defended me and told SIL how they have always made me feel in this conversation they had when all this came up, but neither SIL or future BIL have tried to talk to me.”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
A matter of priorities.
“NTA.”
“You’re demonstrating unpettiness (is that a thing?) by showing up for part of the wedding. You have your priorities, they have theirs.” ~ Me_Thinks_Not
“NTA.”
“You are still being supportive of your wife and kid‘s role. You’re still taking half a day off, which isn’t easy for you to be at the wedding and support them.”
“You weren’t rude about it. You don’t seem to be acting entitled to anything, it’s really not that big of a deal that you won’t be there for every single little thing-“
“Especially when they’ve made you feel unwelcome many times in the past and now, but you’re still being civil about it.”
“You’re there for the most important parts, and they can’t expect that everyone, especially people not part of the ceremony, will be able to stay for 12 whole hours.”
“Even 6 hours is a lot for me personally to be at an event and for lots of other people as well.” ~ UpsideDownShovelFrog
“NTA.”
“They make their plans. You make yours.”
“This doesn’t have to be about whether they like you .”
“They have not asked you for a specific role. You can attend as a guest.”
“As a guest, you should arrive before the ceremony, which you are planning to do.”
“It is possible that they figured that you were the spouse of a wedding party member and were expected to be included in the rehearsal dinner etc, but without a specific invitation to those extra events, you cannot assume that.”
“Their intentionally ignoring you is immature.” ~ explodingwhale17
Our community.
“I wasn’t in my bio brothers’ wedding.”
“He has one sister, me.”
“His wife though has 5.”
“All her sisters were her bridesmaids with her best friend/cousin as her maid of honor. I was fine with it though as weddings stress me out.”
“I was still dragged around for family photos and had to wear a theme color.” ~ DaCoffeeKween
“I wasn’t in my sisters wedding, neither was my brother. Or his kids or my kids.”
“We didn’t do any of the rehearsal or anything except show up to the wedding. We weren’t asked to wear a certain color.”
“We did pictures, but it was just a few so not too bad.” ~ Expensive-Day-3551
“This is hilarious to me.”
“Your SIL is TA.”
“My cousins grew up on a dairy farm. Their dad passed when they were pretty young. Older brothers ran the farm.”
“Anyway, the older brothers were groomsmen or ushers, or walked their sisters down the aisle. (Big family) They milked the cows TWICE on the day of each wedding.”
“No one would have dared to complain about them working on the wedding day.”
“The ONLY people expected to attend every wedding-related event are the bride and groom.”
“Perspective.”
“Anyway. In case I’m unclear, NTA.”
“Also, that you had to be told they were ignoring you?”
“PRECIOUS!” ~ Slow-Sir-3261
Communication problems.
“NTA”
“I don’t see why you would expect to be in the wedding, I don’t even know what part you could’ve played.”
“But it’s pretty normal for the spouses of those in the wedding party to go to things like the rehearsal dinner.”
“I would’ve thought you would’ve known that, but I guess it just sounds like this is all been really bad communication on everybody’s part” ~ bigchicago04
“I mean this isn’t an excuse but she may see the disparaging jokes as giving her brother-in-law a hard time?”
“Also I mainly worked weddings for 10 years, it’s pretty common to have friends or relatives that are around for all these activities without having a designated official role.”
“Honestly all of this sounds like it could be misunderstanding due to poor communication.” ~ Richsii
“NTA, by a mile.”
“Terrible communication and apparently a conflation of a relationship that exists more in the SILs mind than in reality.”
“You’ve already done enough to pay respects to their big day:”
“If they wanted you to be a larger part of the process, you should/would have known months in advance unless their wedding planning is total sh*t.” ~ ImaginaryDonut69
“The rehearsal and rehearsal dinner invite should have absolutely included you.”
“If they didn’t send proper communication, that’s on them.”
“They shouldn’t expect any guest to assume open invite.”
“Maybe take the high road on this one for their big day.”
“They shouldn’t treat you poorly, of course, but perhaps address it another time, post-wedding. I’m sure your wife will look gorgeous and your son adorable, so think of it as a lovely family outing;)”
OP did return with some clarity.
“Our son will be with my mother the morning of the wedding, and I am bringing our son to the wedding, getting him in his tux, etc.”
“My decision did not leave my wife responsible for our son and maid of honor duties that would be horrible.”
“I’m adding this because it’s coming up frequently.”
“When I said I was ‘waiting’ for a possible role, this was not me hoping for a role.”
“I was simply waiting to hear a yes or no so I could schedule PTO accordingly.”
“I do not feel entitled to a role in the wedding whatsoever, and any undertones in the post are most likely just difficulty conveying the story.”
Of course, this doesn’t excuse one side from the effort.
Confused? Ask questions.
Angry? Get clarity.
Remember that communication isn’t just a one-sided flow of ideas.