Parties are fantastic until you are the one who isn’t invited.
Particularly when the party in question is for your own birthday.
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) _somethingorrather when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
“WIBTA for not attending my twin brothers surprise birthday dinner when I was only invited as a guest”
OP began…
“WIBTA for not attending my twin brother’s surprise birthday dinner when I am only invited as a guest”
“Would I be the a**hole for not attending a surprise birthday dinner for my twin brother”
“So I’m a twin, my brother and I hang out all the time and we are super close.”
“In a few days it’s our (25m) birthday.”
He continued with some background.
“We share the same friend group and we’re all really close and have been since school.”
“He has a close group of girl friends (about 5 of them) who I have also known for many years, I would class them as being closer with him in recent years but we are all still good friends and socialize often together.”
Then there was the problem.
“Now, I have been added to a group chat labeled ‘my brothers name surprise dinner!’ It is a surprise birthday dinner for my twin brother organized by one of the girls in that group and they have invited me as a guest.”
“One of them also said in the group that it would ‘be nice to see me as well’ so I just feel like an afterthought.”
“I wouldn’t really have minded if the girls wanted to organize a surprise birthday evening exclusively for my brother and themselves but they have also invited my partner and some of my brother and I’s closest friends.”
OP did explain his reasoning.
“This feels inconsiderate and quite upsetting as I can’t understand why I would be invited to my literal twin brother’s surprise birthday dinner with me only invited as a guest as it is also my birthday involving all of our friends.”
“My girlfriend also found this action to be extremely rude and wondered why this girl didn’t just reach out to her and then they could have organized a surprise involving both of us instead or have just involved both my brother and I and left the surprise element out of it.”
“In the chat it is clearly stated that we are all to arrive at one time while my brother is due to arrive 20 minutes later.”
“The thought of attending makes me feel weird because it’s just a celebration for ‘his’ birthday when him and I are literally born on the same day.”
“This isn’t new information to the organiser.”
“Also, every year my brother and I do something together because we want to and because we have the same friends, last year our friends and my girlfriend set up a massive dinner for our birthday to which everyone was invited, including the girl group.”
A decision must be made.
“So now I’m at a crossroads.”
“I don’t know whether or not to attend.”
“On one hand, if I don’t go, I will feel left out because our mutual friends are going.”
“But on the other hand, if I do go, I will feel like I am letting myself be disrespected, and I will likely feel uncomfortable as it feels like only my brother is being celebrated.”
OP was left to wonder,
“So, WIBTA if I took a stand and didn’t go?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses were very direct.
“Just say sorry I am celebrating my birthday and can’t make it. NTA.” ~ TermsNcond
“And ask them if they didn’t realize that twins almost always share a birthday (unless one is born before midnight and one is born after).”
“These chicks are cruel.” ~ Poinsettia917
“NTA, but I honestly don’t understand why u are letting it drag out like this.”
“I understand not everyone is the kind of person I am, but I would’ve straight up asked, ‘Why is it only for my brother when it’s also my birthday?’ ~ thechosenworm
“Wow NTA.”
“I personally wouldn’t attend & just go do something with my partner instead.”
“Would’ve been nice if your partner or close friends said something to the organizers.”
“Also makes me wonder how close you are with these people & whether they just wanted your brother to have a celebration of his own for once (perhaps based on something he’s said in passing).”
“Either way, there were better ways to go about this.”
“I hope you had a great birthday regardless!” ~ SevereCalligrapher57
Some were suspicious of these friends.
“Maybe this is just my cynical mind on overdrive, but I would record the call too.”
“If driving a wedge between twins is the goal, I wouldn’t put it past these girls to escalate the situation further with lies about what went down on any such call.”
“They’re literally creating an unnecessary situation for people—esp. the common friends—to have to take sides, supporting one twin in going or the other is not going.”
“There’s something so repulsively insidious about saying ‘it would be nice to see you as well,’ suggesting they would be the priority in the twin’s life and not the guy he shared a womb with—this is some real middle-school mean girl sh*t.” ~ through_the_hazel
“And because they’re hiding their cruelty behind nice sounding words, people will trip over themselves trying to spin this as them being clueless or an oversight.”
“Which is the whole point of this kind of strategy, and boy, are there people ready and able to show how well it works.”
“So yeah, def record and never stop side-eyeing these girls, personally I’d go my separate ways.” ~ lo-fi_username
“NTA.”
“I don’t see how they could have overlooked it being your birthday too, so it seems like a bit of a deliberate leaving out/insult.”
“It’s totally fine to have separate friends and birthday plans, but then they should have kept it separate.”
“They aren’t required to celebrate you and your birthday, but this is effectively saying yours doesn’t matter at all, and it’s really kind of cruel.”
“My advice is to speak to your bro about it.” ~ Sweet_pea_girl
“Honey, with all due respect, I think you’re being a bit naive here.”
“You’re twins, they know you’re twins, therefore they know it’s your birthday too, and they’re all aware that they’re throwing a surprise party for your twin brother, only.”
“You can’t miss that that’s the name of the group chat.”
“The only way they don’t know is if they’re being ignorant of the information in front of them.”
“It would be nigh on impossible to not know if they’re reading the chat because, again, the name of the chat, and the ‘it would be nice to see [you] as well’ comment.”
“The comment itself says that at least one of them is aware, and anyone who read that comment would then be too.”
“That would have been the second prompt for literally anyone to call out the poor behavior.”
“Now, either they don’t care that you’re being snubbed in this way, or they’re too cowardly to call out the disrespect. Either way, I promise you, they know.”
“Talk to your brother, pronto.” ~ stars_walk_backward
Commenters felt speaking to the brother was appropriate here.
“My husband immediately said to me,’ He should speak to his twin.’ The least drama dude in the world, btw.”
“You and your brother have a close relationship, and he would likely hate the way they are treating you. Something is not right here. Speak to bro.” ~ LCJ75
“How do you ignore one twin while celebrating the birthday of the other twin?”
“There is a level of casual disrespect in how the friends are treating OP. They don’t even care that their plan will spoil the birthday of the twin who is left out in the cold.”
“OP has two choices on how to deal with this:”
“Speak to his twin about it now.”
“Tell the friend group that he will not attend as he will be celebrating his birthday. And then speak to his twin about it after the dinner.”
“I agree with your husband’s advice.”
“OP should speak to his twin about it now.”
“NTA” ~ son-of-a-mother
OP did return with some additional information.
“My girlfriend has just checked the chat, and the organizer has booked the dinner for 10 people and a set menu.”
“There are currently 11 attending, excluding my girlfriend and I.”
“If we went, this would make its way over capacity.”
“Now we really aren’t sure if we should go because what if we turn up and there is no room?”
“This makes it slightly more awkward as we may not be able just to pull up a chair and join? The dinner is tomorrow also.”
“Thanks for all the kind messages as well. I will definitely give an update after everything plays out”
Perhaps this was a case of miscommunication or forgetfulness.
Maybe it was just mean.
Be kind where possible, but always be clear.