Time is the most valuable resource we have.
So what happens when someone decides to not only waste time, but to do so intentionally?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Illustrious-Sun9714 when he came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
"AITA for leaving my niece's wedding reception early and taking my gift back?"
Oh good, a wedding.
"I'm 45 M and I have a niece who is 22 and just got married last weekend."
"The family is blowing up with drama right now because of what I (and my wife) did."
"I must preface this by saying my family can be pushovers, they really all hate conflict and will definitely let themselves be run over by someone else in order to not cause a fight."
"I am not this way."
The event.
"The wedding was on Saturday. Catholic ceremony in a church that was at 3:30 PM."
"The reception area was at a brewery about 15 minutes from the church. The reception was set to start at 5."
"Maybe this was stupid on the venue people, but they wouldn't open the bar or bring around the appetizers until the bride and groom arrived."
"Service ended around 430 and everyone was told to go to the reception."
"The wedding party had a limo to take them and a separate limo took the parents, grandparents, siblings."
"The couple is young and decided against family in the wedding party lol."
"It was 4 sorority sisters and fraternity brothers on each side."
"My wife and I drove."
"We got to the venue around 4:50 with the first family limo arriving around that time."
"By 5 I'd say all 150 guests were there..but no bride and groom."
"The wedding coordinator was getting pissed as it's now 5:45 and no wedding party. We are all just standing around with no food or drinks."
Reception frat party.
"Someone was able to get ahold of the MOH around this point and apparently the bride and groom told the limo driver to stop at a liquor store and then drive around on the highway for an hour so the wedding party could get trashed."
"At around 6 the MOH said they should be arriving in the next 20 minutes."
"My wife and I looked at eachother and said we are out."
"We thought it was horribly disrespectful for them to do that to all their guests."
"I told my brother (FoB) that we were leaving and taking the gift with us. He tried to plead by saying 'they're just kids let them have fun' but I was having none of it."
"A few days after, I got an apology text from niece followed by an ask for the gift again. I said that I felt very disrespected and I didn't want to give a gift anymore."
"She snapped and called me an a**hole."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
The operative word is 'Guests'.
"Not the a**hole."
"Wedding guests are GUESTS and shouldn't be treated so poorly by the wedding organisers (ie bride and groom)."
"People took time out of their day and spent money to be there all for the bride and groom to not even show up."
"Meaning nobody could eat or drink and just had to stand there awkwardly while the bride and groom got trashed?? Personally, they're the a**holes for me." ~ Any-Chemistry-799
"I used to work weddings at a country club and when people did this it was so awful for everyone else."
"We had to follow their demands and deny people food and drink and we HATED those couples." ~ ntrrrmilf
Stories from the Community.
"Lol - my friend married a Frat boy at 23 right after undergrad. I flew in from Europe two days before, so I was incredibly jet lagged."
"They did exactly this, driving around in the limo for an hour getting trashed. I was in the bridal party, and in the limo."
"I have no memory of this wedding."
"Not because I was drunk, but because I was tired as f*ck." ~ LinworthNewt
"Ha my sister, at her first wedding at age 48 did the same to us all."
"I, as the MOH choose to huddle in a blanket with my 99-year-old shivering auntie."
"I refused to take pictures with them."
"I caught heat for that, but my auntie got to be warm." ~ ThomasinaDomenic
"I did weddings at a country club for years."
"After the first time this happened and all the wait staff got treated poorly and yelled at by guests,"
"Our management told all parties that at least some level of apps/finger foods and basic refreshments (pop/water and a few alcoholic drinks) had to be available once guests started to arrive."
"And once the bride and groom got there, then we would fully open the bar and bring the rest of the apps out."
"I guess like a basic cocktail hour."
"Most of the time the guests got there about 45 minutes to an hour before the bride and groom." ~ BaddestReligion
Accountability.
"'Im so sorry uncle, give me the gift.. No... NO??? AH!!'"
"Really?"
"And how DARE you hold the BRIDE AND GROOM (not kids anymore sorry) Accountable for their own actions."
"This was their wedding, with guests, not a frat party - they are the AH's for disrespecting 150 people and expecting gratitude in return." ~ No_Independence9170
"NTA, people need to learn there are consequences to their actions, they were doing 'their' thing without a care in the world for people waiting on them. You showed them the consequences."
"Of course she 'apologized' she wanted your gift. Did she apologize to any of the other 148 guests she pissed off?" ~ demon803
"If that was my kids I would NOT cough up cash on the spot to cover my kid being a complete a*s."
"She wanted this venue."
"She knew that no food or drinks start before the couple arrived. And she decided to spend an hour getting wasted in a limo. Massive case of I'm so sorry, not my problem." ~ agawl81
"NTA."
"If they're mature enough to get married, they're mature enough to deal with the consequences of their actions."
"Their behaviour was beyond the pale. Making their guests wait without food or drinks? Who does that?" ~ SyphaTheMageB
"NTA -"
"The bride and groom sound like selfish children."
"Also, their wedding reception was at a brewery, so it hardly seems like they needed to delay arrival in order to drink."
"Sounds like the event was also poorly planned, with the venue not doing anything for 150 people for more than two hours."
"What the heck did they pay their wedding planner to do, exactly?"
"Amateur hour all around. Actions, consequences."
"They're lucky all 150 guests didn't get hangry and storm off. Lol" ~ Spirited_String_1205
No good guys here.
"ESH leaving was fine but taking the gift was just petulant and childish on your part."
"I think we can all cop to at least one selfish or immature or inconsiderate thing we've done and gotten forgiven for so using her wedding gift to PUNISH HER!!!"
"Or teach some kind of lesson because omg I am principled seems messed up."
"Show grace, call it out, wish her the best in her new marriage and give her the gift or become yta I think." ~ ktjbug
"Well, your first mistake was going to a Catholic wedding mass and already pissing yourself off by spending 5 hours at a wedding to begin with."
"Secondly, I've been in 8 weddings over the last like 5 years, and there's always a period between the guests arriving at the reception and the bridal party arriving."
"Usually, this is the time when bride and groom are taking their first pictures together as well as family pictures and bridal party pictures after the hitching's done."
"It's usually called 'Cocktail Hour' for the guests."
"Maybe they didn't serve hors d'oeuvres and cocktails, which I would have, but cry about it. Mingle and move on."
"Was there not a bar near the reception to stop at so you can suck on a bottle while you're crying that the day wasn't made about you?"
"Thirdly, sorry, who the hell are you again?"
"It's their wedding day."
"They and the bridal party can do whatever the f*ck they want."
"Not everyone is so concerned with keeping up appearances with their stick-in-the-a*s uncles."
"Your gift was probably trash anyway."
"They're having fun and celebrating getting married."
"They weren't getting 'trashed'. They were having a few cocktails and relaxing because a wedding day, pre-ceremony, especially at a dumb*ss Catholic mass, is pretty damn stressful."
"So they wanted to take a few extra breaths. Big deal."
"Who's to say the limo driver didn't get screwed by a GPS misrouting their drive?"
"Who's to say there wasn't an overturned 18-wheeler blocking their path, and they literally got stuck."
"No pockets in a wedding dress, genius. How in the hell are they supposed to contact anyone to let them know?"
"YTA, and you have a stick in your a**hole as well. If you were my 'family,' I'd be glad your dumb*ss left and took your stupid gift with you." ~ Outrageous-Bit3237
Time is a commodity we can't get back.
So be careful where you spend yours.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp