Sometimes people really cannot live together. No matter how much they love each other or get along well, cohabitation will always end in disaster.
Redditor Aitathrowannoyed found herself in the situation of living with a new boyfriend only to find some of their sleeping patterns were incompatible with each other. Yet instead of showing understanding and being careful on her behalf, she found herself met with resistance and shaming.
Unsure if she’d done something to seriously upset him, she went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole” or “AITA” for feedback from objective strangers.
She asked:
“AITA for sleeping in the guest bedroom because of my boyfriend’s annoying morning schedule?”
Our original poster, or OP, backgrounded how the move in with her boyfriend has really taken a toll on her.
“Hi all, I (23F[emale]) moved in with my boyfriend (28M[ale]) of two years at the start of March and so far it hasn’t been too good.”
“This is due to the fact that my boyfriend has started a new morning schedule where he wakes up at 3am then goes to the gym for an hour or two.”
“He doesn’t need to wake up THAT early because he usually starts work around noon. He explained to me that all of the ‘big CEOs wake up at 3.'”
OP can’t sleep through the noise her boyfriend makes in the morning.
“The problem is that when he gets up, he also wakes me up because of his alarm and then he is SO LOUD when he is getting ready.”
“Literally zero consideration for me. I don’t fall back asleep until he leaves the house and then when he comes back I get woken up again when he comes into the bedroom to change his clothes.”
“Sometimes he purposely wakes me up because ‘he’s bored.'”
OP has tried to set a firm boundary about this, only to have her boyfriend get angry and blame her.
“Having my sleep being constantly disrupted every single night is getting on my nerves big time.”
“I’ve told him plenty of times that he needs to be quieter in the mornings but he doesn’t seem to really care.”
“So last night I went into the guest room to sleep – as soon as I did this he started an argument about how dramatic I am and said he doesn’t have to cater to me because it’s his house.”
“I explained to him that the only way I will get a good quality sleep is if I’m in a separate bedroom but he began saying that I’m his girlfriend not a housemate and I may as well go back home to my parents if I’m going to sleep in the guest bedroom.”
“Anyway, he still annoyed with me because I slept in the guest bedroom and he thinks it’s disrespectful to do so.”
“Sooo AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors had one message for OP-it might be time to move all the way back out.
“This is not how someone acts who respects you, cares about your feelings, and wants to make sure that your needs are met.”
“You deserve a partner, not someone who sees you as an accessory that exists to please him.”
“I am positive that this sleep issue is not the only way in which he shows that he is selfish and inconsiderate.”
“You deserve better than this. He wants you to think that this is normal and acceptable. It is not. He is not a good boyfriend. Nta”~HatsAndTopcoats
“If it’s HIS house and your wants and needs don’t matter and he doesn’t even give you the basic courtesy of he’d offer a guest in his house it makes me wonder what exactly he thinks of you as?”
“Definitely not a partner whom he respects.”
“Time to move back out (because according to him you haven’t really moved in). NTA”~LimitlessMegan
“NTA. My husband and I have had many conversations and frustrations about routines and waking each other up and we have both had to compromise, but never has one of us said the other just has to basically suck it up and changed nothing about our behavior.”
“Constantly having your sleep disrupted is a serious issue and your boyfriend does not seem to care or be taking it seriously at all.”~sunflowerpolkadot
“Big CEOs wake up that early because they have things to do.”
“If he’s waking her up cause he’s bored, then he clearly has nothing to do, making the early wake up, and sleep disturbance, completely unnecessary.”
“Waking up early just cause some group of people do it is stupid. And ruining not just OPs sleep, but also his own, is just bad in the long run. NTA”~Arrow_93
After all, who wakes up someone just because they are “bored”?
“Run! I am serious. He does not love you. These are huge warning signs. He is fine abusing you by depriving you of sleep.”
“He does not believe that you deserve equal rights or consideration in the home you share. He wants to control your habits and where you sleep for the sake of his own ego.”
“He is giving you ultimatums to manipulate your behavior. He is not a good boyfriend. He would be a terrible father. He would be a nightmare spouse. Pack your stuff and run. NTA”~Affirmativerobot
“Dude is an egotistical, disrespectful jerk. There’s no doubt in my mind that this isn’t the first time he’s been an inconsiderate ass.”
“NTA, OP. To heck with the guest bedroom; you’d be better off going back to your parents’ house. Things will only get worse the longer you stay there, so I’d run if I were you.”~Tamstrong
“NTA!! He is clearly not caring for you! He ignores your concerns, even acts rude on purpose (waking you up, because hes bored, etc.)”
“He has absolutely NO reason to get up at 3 am, if he works at noon.”
“Nobody would say anything about him getting up at 6 or something. (My mother actually gets up with my dad at 5:30, goes back to bed when he leaves and gets up for work a bit later)”
“Anyway, he doesn’t care about you.”~Arkurash
“Dude. A couple things stick out to me:”
“1. he feels disrespected by actions you’ve taken to get good sleep which you’ve frequently communicated as a concern and that he dismisses”
“2. he pulled the ‘this is my house’ card to justify not having to respect reasonable requests to adjust habits that impact shared sleeping/living spaces”
“3. he thinks you sleeping in the guest room undermines your entire relationship to the extent where he doesn’t consider you living together if you aren’t sharing a bed”
“Dude, these are not reflecting a partner whose values align with a healthy relationship and compatible partner.”
“You are young, exhausted, and sleep deprived and he is an immature fuss nugget.”
“Accept his suggestion to move out as the most reasonable suggestion so far and end the relationship. Sweet dreams! NTA”~purpleit11
And if he’s unwilling to budge on something as basic as sleep, how will he be if they have children together?
“My mom and stepdad sleep in separate rooms a lot. He works the graveyard shift, she snores when sick or air is dry.”
“By having separate rooms, they are able to get the sleep they need and wake up in brighter moods. Heck I think their relationship grew even closer after they remade their own sleep spaces.”
“My mom had so much fun redecorating a new space for herself.”
“Point is, they made sacrifices for each other and respected the other’s need for sleep. They didn’t get angry at the other person for wanting their own space.”~SkysEevee
“I’m an early morning riser, and my wife is a light sleeper, so I’m more like your BF than you. You are NTA.”
“You deserve some consideration. While I don’t get up at 3am, I get up at 5:30 to go running, and I sleep with my partner.”
“My partner is a light sleeper. My alarm is my watch, but I set it for vibrate only. The previous night, I have all of my running clothes already set aside in the bathroom, so once I’m awake, I just quietly leave the bedroom (no lights getting turned on) and get on with my day.”
“Sadly, as my wife is a really light sleeper, sometimes just my watch vibrating on my wrist is enough to wake her up, but that’s usually only about once or twice a week, and since I get out of the area once I’m up she can fall back to sleep without much issue.”
“If your BF doesn’t want to be considerate about noise levels, then he can’t be grouchy about you wanting to sleep elsewhere.”~coffee_u
“NTA, OP please move back to your parents. This dude is seriously not ready to be a partner AT ALL. Being in a relationship is about compromise and consideration.”
“Which your ‘partner’ is severely lacking on. Do you really want to live like this? You’re young, don’t commit until you find someone who treats you/your relationship with mutual respect and understanding.”
“My SO is a diagonal sleeper, and it drives me up the f**king wall. So when we moved into this new place we each got our own bedroom.”
“At first it seemed weird but after a short while it was AWESOME! It’s honestly super cute to have ‘sleepovers’ in each other’s rooms.”
“I’m super organized and he’s not so I don’t get stressed by his messiness since I can literally just walk to my paradise 5 steps away.”
“We each are able to decorate to our tastes, and stay up/get up as early or late without an issue.”~BlondeStalker
“NTA. He’s a moron for thinking that CEOs all get up at 3am!! Hang on…. is he a CEO?! 🤔😁 And talk about respect!”
“My wife wakes up before me to get to the gym (at a reasonable 6am) and she prepares her clothes the night before and leaves them in the next room so that when she (quietly) wakes up and gets ready, she doesn’t disturb me!”
“Because… ya know… she respects the fact I need my sleep. He kinda sounds like a selfish douche to me!”~Flustered-Flump
The messages were clear—this couple is not compatible.
Redditors felt not only was she not the a**hole, but her best bet was to end the relationship.