Sometimes people really cannot live together. No matter how much they love each other or get along well, cohabitation will always end in disaster.
Redditor Aitathrowannoyed found herself in the situation of living with a new boyfriend only to find some of their sleeping patterns were incompatible with each other. Yet instead of showing understanding and being careful on her behalf, she found herself met with resistance and shaming.
Unsure if she'd done something to seriously upset him, she went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole" or "AITA" for feedback from objective strangers.
She asked:
"AITA for sleeping in the guest bedroom because of my boyfriend's annoying morning schedule?"
Our original poster, or OP, backgrounded how the move in with her boyfriend has really taken a toll on her.
"Hi all, I (23F[emale]) moved in with my boyfriend (28M[ale]) of two years at the start of March and so far it hasn't been too good."
"This is due to the fact that my boyfriend has started a new morning schedule where he wakes up at 3am then goes to the gym for an hour or two."
"He doesn't need to wake up THAT early because he usually starts work around noon. He explained to me that all of the 'big CEOs wake up at 3.'"
OP can't sleep through the noise her boyfriend makes in the morning.
"The problem is that when he gets up, he also wakes me up because of his alarm and then he is SO LOUD when he is getting ready."
"Literally zero consideration for me. I don't fall back asleep until he leaves the house and then when he comes back I get woken up again when he comes into the bedroom to change his clothes."
"Sometimes he purposely wakes me up because 'he's bored.'"
OP has tried to set a firm boundary about this, only to have her boyfriend get angry and blame her.
"Having my sleep being constantly disrupted every single night is getting on my nerves big time."
"I've told him plenty of times that he needs to be quieter in the mornings but he doesn't seem to really care."
"So last night I went into the guest room to sleep - as soon as I did this he started an argument about how dramatic I am and said he doesn't have to cater to me because it's his house."
"I explained to him that the only way I will get a good quality sleep is if I'm in a separate bedroom but he began saying that I'm his girlfriend not a housemate and I may as well go back home to my parents if I'm going to sleep in the guest bedroom."
"Anyway, he still annoyed with me because I slept in the guest bedroom and he thinks it's disrespectful to do so."
"Sooo AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors had one message for OP-it might be time to move all the way back out.
"This is not how someone acts who respects you, cares about your feelings, and wants to make sure that your needs are met."
"You deserve a partner, not someone who sees you as an accessory that exists to please him."
"I am positive that this sleep issue is not the only way in which he shows that he is selfish and inconsiderate."
"You deserve better than this. He wants you to think that this is normal and acceptable. It is not. He is not a good boyfriend. Nta"~HatsAndTopcoats
"If it's HIS house and your wants and needs don't matter and he doesn't even give you the basic courtesy of he'd offer a guest in his house it makes me wonder what exactly he thinks of you as?"
"Definitely not a partner whom he respects."
"Time to move back out (because according to him you haven't really moved in). NTA"~LimitlessMegan
"NTA. My husband and I have had many conversations and frustrations about routines and waking each other up and we have both had to compromise, but never has one of us said the other just has to basically suck it up and changed nothing about our behavior."
"Constantly having your sleep disrupted is a serious issue and your boyfriend does not seem to care or be taking it seriously at all."~sunflowerpolkadot
"Big CEOs wake up that early because they have things to do."
"If he's waking her up cause he's bored, then he clearly has nothing to do, making the early wake up, and sleep disturbance, completely unnecessary."
"Waking up early just cause some group of people do it is stupid. And ruining not just OPs sleep, but also his own, is just bad in the long run. NTA"~Arrow_93
After all, who wakes up someone just because they are "bored"?
"Run! I am serious. He does not love you. These are huge warning signs. He is fine abusing you by depriving you of sleep."
"He does not believe that you deserve equal rights or consideration in the home you share. He wants to control your habits and where you sleep for the sake of his own ego."
"He is giving you ultimatums to manipulate your behavior. He is not a good boyfriend. He would be a terrible father. He would be a nightmare spouse. Pack your stuff and run. NTA"~Affirmativerobot
"Dude is an egotistical, disrespectful jerk. There's no doubt in my mind that this isn't the first time he's been an inconsiderate ass."
"NTA, OP. To heck with the guest bedroom; you'd be better off going back to your parents' house. Things will only get worse the longer you stay there, so I'd run if I were you."~Tamstrong
"NTA!! He is clearly not caring for you! He ignores your concerns, even acts rude on purpose (waking you up, because hes bored, etc.)"
"He has absolutely NO reason to get up at 3 am, if he works at noon."
"Nobody would say anything about him getting up at 6 or something. (My mother actually gets up with my dad at 5:30, goes back to bed when he leaves and gets up for work a bit later)"
"Anyway, he doesn't care about you."~Arkurash
"Dude. A couple things stick out to me:"
"1. he feels disrespected by actions you've taken to get good sleep which you've frequently communicated as a concern and that he dismisses"
"2. he pulled the 'this is my house' card to justify not having to respect reasonable requests to adjust habits that impact shared sleeping/living spaces"
"3. he thinks you sleeping in the guest room undermines your entire relationship to the extent where he doesn't consider you living together if you aren't sharing a bed"
"Dude, these are not reflecting a partner whose values align with a healthy relationship and compatible partner."
"You are young, exhausted, and sleep deprived and he is an immature fuss nugget."
"Accept his suggestion to move out as the most reasonable suggestion so far and end the relationship. Sweet dreams! NTA"~purpleit11
And if he's unwilling to budge on something as basic as sleep, how will he be if they have children together?
"My mom and stepdad sleep in separate rooms a lot. He works the graveyard shift, she snores when sick or air is dry."
"By having separate rooms, they are able to get the sleep they need and wake up in brighter moods. Heck I think their relationship grew even closer after they remade their own sleep spaces."
"My mom had so much fun redecorating a new space for herself."
"Point is, they made sacrifices for each other and respected the other's need for sleep. They didn't get angry at the other person for wanting their own space."~SkysEevee
"I'm an early morning riser, and my wife is a light sleeper, so I'm more like your BF than you. You are NTA."
"You deserve some consideration. While I don't get up at 3am, I get up at 5:30 to go running, and I sleep with my partner."
"My partner is a light sleeper. My alarm is my watch, but I set it for vibrate only. The previous night, I have all of my running clothes already set aside in the bathroom, so once I'm awake, I just quietly leave the bedroom (no lights getting turned on) and get on with my day."
"Sadly, as my wife is a really light sleeper, sometimes just my watch vibrating on my wrist is enough to wake her up, but that's usually only about once or twice a week, and since I get out of the area once I'm up she can fall back to sleep without much issue."
"If your BF doesn't want to be considerate about noise levels, then he can't be grouchy about you wanting to sleep elsewhere."~coffee_u
"NTA, OP please move back to your parents. This dude is seriously not ready to be a partner AT ALL. Being in a relationship is about compromise and consideration."
"Which your 'partner' is severely lacking on. Do you really want to live like this? You're young, don't commit until you find someone who treats you/your relationship with mutual respect and understanding."
"My SO is a diagonal sleeper, and it drives me up the f**king wall. So when we moved into this new place we each got our own bedroom."
"At first it seemed weird but after a short while it was AWESOME! It's honestly super cute to have 'sleepovers' in each other's rooms."
"I'm super organized and he's not so I don't get stressed by his messiness since I can literally just walk to my paradise 5 steps away."
"We each are able to decorate to our tastes, and stay up/get up as early or late without an issue."~BlondeStalker
"NTA. He's a moron for thinking that CEOs all get up at 3am!! Hang on.... is he a CEO?! 🤔😁 And talk about respect!"
"My wife wakes up before me to get to the gym (at a reasonable 6am) and she prepares her clothes the night before and leaves them in the next room so that when she (quietly) wakes up and gets ready, she doesn't disturb me!"
"Because... ya know... she respects the fact I need my sleep. He kinda sounds like a selfish douche to me!"~Flustered-Flump
The messages were clear—this couple is not compatible.
Redditors felt not only was she not the a**hole, but her best bet was to end the relationship.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.