Everyone goes through difficult periods in their lives, and how they choose to deal with that time will vary from person to person. Like dealing with grief, there is necessarily a right answer for coping.
But some people will have strong opinions about how others will cope, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit, sometimes to an incredibly selfish degree.
After discovering that she would need to have a mastectomy, Redditor Coyote-Psychological decided to have a party to “celebrate” the loss of her breasts.
But when her boyfriend claimed she was disregarding his feelings with this party, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for asking my friend for a ‘Boob Voyage’ party?”
The OP recently decided to do something to address her mastectomy.
“A while ago, my doctor found a cancerous lump in my breast. Thankfully it was stage 1, but I did end up having a mastectomy.”
“It was a stressful time, and when my friend was over a few days before my surgery, we got on the topic of the ‘boob-voyage’ party from ‘Jane the Virgin.'”
“I asked her if she would throw me one of those parties to help me get my mind off it.”
The OP’s friend went all-in on supporting her.
“I thought she would put together just a small girls’ night, but she went all out.”
“She invited all of my friends and my boyfriend and had an array of boob paraphernalia.”
“It was funny and lighthearted and meant a lot to me to get all that support from my friends.”
But the OP’s boyfriend did not appreciate it as much as she did.
“During my recovery, my boyfriend confronted me and said that he hated the boob party, he thought it was tacky, and he was offended that I hadn’t asked him to put something together instead.”
“He said that we were supposed to be going through it together and I should have thought about his feelings and the fact that he doesn’t like parties and wouldn’t want to spend one of the nights leading up to my surgery like that.”
“I told him that I’m sorry he felt that way, but it was really helpful for me and I was the one getting surgery and treatment.”
“I told him I wanted to support him but my feelings had to take priority under those particular circumstances and the party helped me.”
“He’s still angry at me for refusing to apologize for asking my friend to throw the party without asking how he felt about it first.”
“It comes up now and again and he still wants me to apologize.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some saw absolutely nothing wrong with the OP having a “Boob Voyage” party.
“NTA. When my friend got her cervical cancer diagnosis, we threw her a no-moon party (as opposed to the first moon since they were going to have to do a hysterectomy).”
“It was uncomfortable for her boyfriend, but we had a lot of fun and it helped her feel better.”
“We all got together and talked about the good and bad of our uteruses, the kids they gave us (or not), and the pain they gave us. It was really therapeutic and helped a ton.”
“Her boyfriend just went to a friend’s for the night and then helped us finish off the cake when the party ended. Even though it was weird for him, he was very happy that it made his girlfriend feel better and even played a round of ‘pin the tampon on the vagina.’ He is a good boyfriend and now her fiance.”
“You deserve this, not what you’re getting from your current boyfriend.” – PurlPaladin
“NTA. When I had my total hysterectomy at 21 we had a ‘Lady Balls!’ Party. It was amazing.”
“He made something that wasn’t about him, about him. That is an a**hole move. It isn’t about him, it is about you and your treatment/recovery.”
“I will never understand why men need to make something that isn’t about them, about them.” – Thatvideogamenerd
“Why didn’t OP’s boyfriend just leave if he was uncomfortable instead of staying and blaming her for it, then demand an apology afterward?”
“It was about her needs, they had priority at the time because she was dealing with something TRAUMATIC, and this met them.”
“If he wanted to spend time with her, that was his choice.” – Rainadraken
“I wondered if it was because they treated losing OP’s boobs like getting rid of some subcutaneous adipose tissue instead of them being her symbol of womanhood.”
“A lot of men seem to really have a hard time with mastectomies for purely selfish reasons, and I think OP’s boyfriend was one of them.”
“It wasn’t that it was a party. It’s that they were so cavalier about getting rid of the boobies. He is thinking about how difficult it was for him to have to stand around surrounded by boobies when ‘his’ were being taken away.” – savvyblackbird
“I had cancer. We ‘went through it together’ but not like this. She respected the fact of the actual one with cancer. Anything else is unacceptable.”
“You needed and deserved your boob party. Have her plan another one and don’t invite his a**.” – IntermittenSeries
Others agreed and thought the boyfriend was being narcissistic.
“The boyfriend sounds way too needy. The OP said, ‘He doesn’t like parties and I should have thought about his feelings.’ Lol (laughing out loud), what the f**k? NTA.” – Mossless-stone
“OP, you should really think about why he was so bothered about something literally only affected you. NTA.” – ifeni
“It’s literally one night. One party, surely he could suck it up because it meant a lot to his partner. And he couldn’t handle that? J***s, he’s not the one with cancer.” – princessfishbreath
“Uh, no, NTA. As you said, you’re the one with the boobs and the mastectomy, so it’s up to you how you want to handle that and what you want to do.”
“If he needs his ego coddled so badly that he wants to act like a child when you’re the one who had FREAKING CANCER, then he can just go sulk until he learns to act like an adult and/or figure out what empathy is.” – dragonesszena
“Pretty unforgettable that in the US, when a man is suffering through a serious illness, his chances of his wife leaving him plummet to 5%.”
“When a woman is suffering through a serious illness, her chances of her husband leaving her jump way up to 20-25%.” – therearedozensofus12
“What the h**l… Your boyfriend is ridiculous. Absolutely NTA. I think your party sounds like a great way to add some levity to a s**t situation. Humor is one of the best ways to deal with the crap that gets thrown at us and is a totally healthy coping mechanism.”
“Sounds like it was a great time and I’m glad you enjoyed it. Be well, OP!” – Ironinvelvet
“NTA. Your friend did something nice to help you through a traumatic experience, and your boyfriend is… mad at you? He’s mad that you didn’t ask him to put anything together, and he’s also mad that the party happened at all, because he doesn’t like parties?”
“I hope your boyfriend is really amazing in a lot of other ways, because this is a really unpleasant way to respond to something that should have been fun.” – sevenumbrellas
Some recommended the OP having a “Boyfriend Voyage” party next.
“NTA. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your boyfriend is a self-centered a**hole who can’t even tolerate you getting support in the way you need it for your medical diagnosis and treatment.”
“That he thinks his feelings about your cancer are more important than your feelings is very telling, and I hope you’ll ditch his a** and find someone who has a working sense of compassion.” – Alert-Potato
“NTA. When someone reveals their true colors, don’t think it’s a fluke or make excuses, move on.”
“I had cancer, and my boyfriend and I had a long talk before my treatment where I basically gave him an easy out, because I knew it was going to be a difficult journey for everyone in my life.”
“He could have walked away, no hard feelings from me, but he swore up and down he wanted to be my rock, and we’d get through this together, yada yada.”
“Fast forward to two weeks after I have surgery and begin treatments, and he blew up on me. He told me he was tired of holding it in and it always being about me.”
“It was just nasty, cruel, and childish bulls**t. Like sorry, not sorry, dude, but there’s the door. I’m having parts chopped off, poisoning myself, feeling like I’m dying, constantly just trying to liv,e AND still doing most of the things I did before. This is literally the worst time of my life.”
“No one needs such an insensitive and useless idiot in their sphere during such a time stressing them out. Best to show them the door now and focus on healing yourself mind body and soul.”
“When you feel strong and more yourself get back in the swing of things again and find a partner that truly respects and appreciates you for the amazing person you are.” – ImTrash_NowBurnMe
“OP please dump him immediately. He has made it clear who he is. And it isn’t someone who will support you.” – MistressOfNecropolis
“NTA. Your boyfriend is a giant d**k trying to make your experience with cancer about himself.”
“If I were you, I’d leave the boyfriend with the boobs. Sounds like you had a fab night, best wishes for your health!” – spacemonkeypantz
“On the plus side, her friend also showed her who she is: a true friend who pulled out all the stops to make sure OP had an amazing night of light-hearted distraction.”
“With friends like that, you don’t need this chucklef**k boyfriend. You have all the support you need.” – bxnutmeg
The subReddit was fully in support of the OP doing what she needed to do during this difficult time to make her feel better, and they were grateful that she had a best friend in her corner who was willing to plan a party for her to give her just that.
For the boyfriend, on the other hand, they thought the OP needed to have a “Boyfriend Voyage” party next time to really help her heal and move on from this difficult period in her life.