We’ve all known someone who seems to be late for everything, no matter how early they get ready and leave.
But some people seem to do it on purpose, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor afraidofdownvotes0 was angry with his girlfriend of two years when she was late for yet another event, no matter how many times he reminded her they had a reservation.
When she appeared upset, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was wrong to be frustrated.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for getting mad at my girlfriend for cleaning the house?”
The OP made reservations for a fancy dinner with his girlfriend.
“I’d planned a dinner date for us (late 20s-early 30s) at an expensive and hard to reserve restaurant last week.”
“My girlfriend works from home and I don’t. She finishes work at 6 pm.”
“The night before and on the morning of, I told her that I’d be back at about 6:30 pm to shower and change, and I asked her to please be ready by 6:55 pm as we need to leave at 7 pm.”
The OP was surprised when his girlfriend wasn’t ready when he got home.
“When I got home at 6:30 pm, she wasn’t getting ready and was just using her phone.”
“I didn’t make a big deal as she’s an adult and can manage her own time, so I just gently reminded her that we were leaving at 7 pm, and she acknowledged.”
“After showering and changing, I noticed that my girlfriend still hadn’t gotten changed, and it was already 6:50 pm.”
“Instead, she was vacuuming the house.”
The OP’s girlfriend continued to surprise him.
“I was dumbfounded and reminded her that we were leaving in 10 minutes and again, she acknowledged.”
“But she still continued to vacuum until she noticed that I was getting upset.”
“She finally went to get dressed, and by the time we left home, it was approximately 7:10 pm.”
“We ended up being late for our reservation. (Though we thankfully managed to get our table.)”
The OP had mixed feelings after the fact.
“I would like to seek judgment on whether I’m the AH for being mad because she started acting sad when I got mad, and even my mom thinks I’m the AH.”
“As a side note, at no point did I raise my voice or demean her.”
“Also, we don’t have any major problems with our relationship and she wasn’t being passive-aggressive.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the girlfriend was disrespectful of other people’s time.
“NTA, at all, and it doesn’t matter if it was ‘close’ because you were ‘only 10 minutes late.’ The only reason you managed to cut it so close and get your table at all is that you gave her repeated reminders and nudges to keep her on track, none of which you should have had to do in the first place.”
“As you noted, she’s a full-grown adult, who should be able to keep track of her own time and be responsible for herself.”
“And yet, if you hadn’t repeatedly reminded her, starting the morning of and going right up until literally MINUTES before you were meant to leave, you would have been much, much later, and likely missed your reservation altogether.”
“And this is not because she forgot but because she couldn’t be a*sed to even BEGIN to get ready even after the first reminder.”
“Look, I’m autistic and I have serious executive dysfunction issues. I definitely understand struggling with time management.”
“I’m also early to pretty much EVERYTHING because of it because I respect other people and my commitments to them. If I need to be somewhere, I start getting ready way too early rather than risk being too late.”
“Your girlfriend did the opposite of that. You were thoughtful, polite, and gave her multiple reminders, and she… ignored you and did other stuff, knowing that there was a deadline looming.”
“She was thoughtless and rude. Period. You are NTA, but you might want to consider how inconsiderate she is.” – FoolMe1nceShameOnU
“I have ADHD and struggle a lot with time blindness and distractions, but A Reservation Is A Reservation.”
“I often have a hard time motivating myself when only I am involved, but I work hard to not let my brain’s dithering impact other people when they’re relying on me to be ready. And if someone reminded me at a moment when I got sucked into something else, it’s a sign I’m losing my focus and need to keep it moving.”
“She seemed totally inert and unwilling. You asked her so many times!”
“When something is important to someone you love, you make an effort to meet them in the middle. NTA. Your girlfriend is rude and sounds like she hasn’t been held accountable much before if this is making her pouty.” – holyflurkingsnit
“As a fellow ADHD-er, I have an extremely difficult time staying on-task when getting ready to go somewhere, I can’t count the times I’ve decided something needs urgent cleaning when I’m trying to get ready for class and I need to leave in 10 minutes, but that only affects me.”
“If it’s something like a reservation or an event, I lay my clothes out in advance, start 2 hours ahead of time to be ready on time, anything to not inconvenience someone else.”
“This is pretty ridiculous and the OP has every right to be frustrated, especially when they put the time in to make the reservation and the girlfriend can’t even acknowledge that she wasn’t doing what she should have been.” – kaymarie00
Others assumed the OP’s girlfriend was spoiled or entitled.
“Her pouting about his being upset about this shows that she probably has a habit of doing this and is probably pretty spoiled.”
“People need to stop coddling people who are consistently inconsiderate, selfish, and disrespectful of others.” – blueberrylove2112
“He gave her four warnings, including 3 in the 30 minutes leading up to them needing to leave.”
“This goes beyond executive dysfunction problems straight into being an inconsiderate partner territory for me. There’s no excuse for not listening and reacting when being given multiple in-person reminders.” – duffman13jws
“It almost feels like a ‘f**k you’ to the OP. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around being told we need to leave soon and then just start cleaning instead of getting dressed.”
“I can understand her doing that if she was by herself and didn’t know what time it was, but her partner told her multiple times.” – ThePyodeAmedha
Some thought the greater issue was communication in the relationship.
“I am autistic and have ADHD, and I’ve certainly just had a brain meltdown and just… I don’t know, got lost. The thing is, that only happens when there’s too much going on and I’m too overloaded to manage the balancing act of ADHD and autism.”
“My point is, there’s a reason. Behavior is communication and she messed up. Something threw her off.”
“My suggestion to OP is to approach it with curiosity and let her know this surprised him because it’s not something they’d usually bump into. Maybe walk him through the thought process.”
“There’s something underneath it and they can communicate about it like adults or be mad and not communicate until it happens again.”
“Behavior is communication. Always.” – obiwantogooutside
“I’m autistic as well as ADHD, with executive dysfunction, so the time management issues are real…”
“BUT when I read this, my first thought was that I am glad that my partner understands that when I am acting like OP’s girlfriend, it means that I had a difficult brain day and I really don’t want to go anywhere but I’m too anxious about disappointing anyone and attempting to avoid confrontation by making sure I’m ‘busy.'”
“It’s ridiculous, of course, but I tend to clean at inappropriate times on account of wanting to establish ‘control’ when I’m not feeling in control (i.e. my emotions or stress levels or anxiety). I know I should just use my words, but I get panicky and twisted up and just stuck.”
“My partner realizes what I’m doing and asks me directly if I am trying to avoid attending and/or how he can help (as well as specifying the level of importance of whatever the event/occasion is to him).”
“That’s not to say OP’s girlfriend is ND (neurodivergent), but like… there’s almost always a reason for a person to act in an unexpected way, be it a bad day or cramps or a headache or just a s**t mood, soooo…”
“NTA… but did you ASK if something was wrong?” – Maladee
“There’s A Thing underlying this.”
“Doesn’t make you TA. You spurred her on to get ready a couple of times and it’s rude of her to ignore that.”
“But something’s going on. Some people have mentioned ADHD. Anxiety might also be something to think about. It may be something else again.”
“She needs to be open to talking about it, so that she is not making people feel like she made you feel. You need to be open to hearing and believing what she says about it.”
“Talk to her about why she does things like this. Not as a fight, but as an actual attempt to understand. See what comes up.” – Left-Car6520
The subReddit totally understood the OP’s frustration at how the evening went and questioned what was going on with his girlfriend that would lead her to start vacuuming instead of getting ready for a fancy dinner.
It seemed the OP would need to talk to his girlfriend about the repeated behavior rather than simply observing it, and if it didn’t improve, he’d have to decide whether or not it’d eventually be a dealbreaker.