We've all known someone who seems to be late for everything, no matter how early they get ready and leave.
But some people seem to do it on purpose, admitted the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor afraidofdownvotes0 was angry with his girlfriend of two years when she was late for yet another event, no matter how many times he reminded her they had a reservation.
When she appeared upset, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was wrong to be frustrated.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for getting mad at my girlfriend for cleaning the house?"
The OP made reservations for a fancy dinner with his girlfriend.
"I'd planned a dinner date for us (late 20s-early 30s) at an expensive and hard to reserve restaurant last week."
"My girlfriend works from home and I don't. She finishes work at 6 pm."
"The night before and on the morning of, I told her that I'd be back at about 6:30 pm to shower and change, and I asked her to please be ready by 6:55 pm as we need to leave at 7 pm."
The OP was surprised when his girlfriend wasn't ready when he got home.
"When I got home at 6:30 pm, she wasn't getting ready and was just using her phone."
"I didn't make a big deal as she's an adult and can manage her own time, so I just gently reminded her that we were leaving at 7 pm, and she acknowledged."
"After showering and changing, I noticed that my girlfriend still hadn't gotten changed, and it was already 6:50 pm."
"Instead, she was vacuuming the house."
The OP's girlfriend continued to surprise him.
"I was dumbfounded and reminded her that we were leaving in 10 minutes and again, she acknowledged."
"But she still continued to vacuum until she noticed that I was getting upset."
"She finally went to get dressed, and by the time we left home, it was approximately 7:10 pm."
"We ended up being late for our reservation. (Though we thankfully managed to get our table.)"
The OP had mixed feelings after the fact.
"I would like to seek judgment on whether I'm the AH for being mad because she started acting sad when I got mad, and even my mom thinks I'm the AH."
"As a side note, at no point did I raise my voice or demean her."
"Also, we don't have any major problems with our relationship and she wasn't being passive-aggressive."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the girlfriend was disrespectful of other people's time.
"NTA, at all, and it doesn't matter if it was 'close' because you were 'only 10 minutes late.' The only reason you managed to cut it so close and get your table at all is that you gave her repeated reminders and nudges to keep her on track, none of which you should have had to do in the first place."
"As you noted, she's a full-grown adult, who should be able to keep track of her own time and be responsible for herself."
"And yet, if you hadn't repeatedly reminded her, starting the morning of and going right up until literally MINUTES before you were meant to leave, you would have been much, much later, and likely missed your reservation altogether."
"And this is not because she forgot but because she couldn't be a*sed to even BEGIN to get ready even after the first reminder."
"Look, I'm autistic and I have serious executive dysfunction issues. I definitely understand struggling with time management."
"I'm also early to pretty much EVERYTHING because of it because I respect other people and my commitments to them. If I need to be somewhere, I start getting ready way too early rather than risk being too late."
"Your girlfriend did the opposite of that. You were thoughtful, polite, and gave her multiple reminders, and she... ignored you and did other stuff, knowing that there was a deadline looming."
"She was thoughtless and rude. Period. You are NTA, but you might want to consider how inconsiderate she is." - FoolMe1nceShameOnU
"I have ADHD and struggle a lot with time blindness and distractions, but A Reservation Is A Reservation."
"I often have a hard time motivating myself when only I am involved, but I work hard to not let my brain's dithering impact other people when they're relying on me to be ready. And if someone reminded me at a moment when I got sucked into something else, it's a sign I'm losing my focus and need to keep it moving."
"She seemed totally inert and unwilling. You asked her so many times!"
"When something is important to someone you love, you make an effort to meet them in the middle. NTA. Your girlfriend is rude and sounds like she hasn't been held accountable much before if this is making her pouty." - holyflurkingsnit
"As a fellow ADHD-er, I have an extremely difficult time staying on-task when getting ready to go somewhere, I can't count the times I've decided something needs urgent cleaning when I'm trying to get ready for class and I need to leave in 10 minutes, but that only affects me."
"If it's something like a reservation or an event, I lay my clothes out in advance, start 2 hours ahead of time to be ready on time, anything to not inconvenience someone else."
"This is pretty ridiculous and the OP has every right to be frustrated, especially when they put the time in to make the reservation and the girlfriend can't even acknowledge that she wasn't doing what she should have been." - kaymarie00
Others assumed the OP's girlfriend was spoiled or entitled.
"Her pouting about his being upset about this shows that she probably has a habit of doing this and is probably pretty spoiled."
"People need to stop coddling people who are consistently inconsiderate, selfish, and disrespectful of others." - blueberrylove2112
"He gave her four warnings, including 3 in the 30 minutes leading up to them needing to leave."
"This goes beyond executive dysfunction problems straight into being an inconsiderate partner territory for me. There's no excuse for not listening and reacting when being given multiple in-person reminders." - duffman13jws
"It almost feels like a 'f**k you' to the OP. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around being told we need to leave soon and then just start cleaning instead of getting dressed."
"I can understand her doing that if she was by herself and didn't know what time it was, but her partner told her multiple times." - ThePyodeAmedha
Some thought the greater issue was communication in the relationship.
"I am autistic and have ADHD, and I've certainly just had a brain meltdown and just… I don't know, got lost. The thing is, that only happens when there's too much going on and I'm too overloaded to manage the balancing act of ADHD and autism."
"My point is, there's a reason. Behavior is communication and she messed up. Something threw her off."
"My suggestion to OP is to approach it with curiosity and let her know this surprised him because it's not something they'd usually bump into. Maybe walk him through the thought process."
"There's something underneath it and they can communicate about it like adults or be mad and not communicate until it happens again."
"Behavior is communication. Always." - obiwantogooutside
"I'm autistic as well as ADHD, with executive dysfunction, so the time management issues are real..."
"BUT when I read this, my first thought was that I am glad that my partner understands that when I am acting like OP's girlfriend, it means that I had a difficult brain day and I really don't want to go anywhere but I'm too anxious about disappointing anyone and attempting to avoid confrontation by making sure I'm 'busy.'"
"It's ridiculous, of course, but I tend to clean at inappropriate times on account of wanting to establish 'control' when I'm not feeling in control (i.e. my emotions or stress levels or anxiety). I know I should just use my words, but I get panicky and twisted up and just stuck."
"My partner realizes what I'm doing and asks me directly if I am trying to avoid attending and/or how he can help (as well as specifying the level of importance of whatever the event/occasion is to him)."
"That's not to say OP's girlfriend is ND (neurodivergent), but like... there's almost always a reason for a person to act in an unexpected way, be it a bad day or cramps or a headache or just a s**t mood, soooo..."
"NTA... but did you ASK if something was wrong?" - Maladee
"There's A Thing underlying this."
"Doesn't make you TA. You spurred her on to get ready a couple of times and it's rude of her to ignore that."
"But something's going on. Some people have mentioned ADHD. Anxiety might also be something to think about. It may be something else again."
"She needs to be open to talking about it, so that she is not making people feel like she made you feel. You need to be open to hearing and believing what she says about it."
"Talk to her about why she does things like this. Not as a fight, but as an actual attempt to understand. See what comes up." - Left-Car6520
The subReddit totally understood the OP's frustration at how the evening went and questioned what was going on with his girlfriend that would lead her to start vacuuming instead of getting ready for a fancy dinner.
It seemed the OP would need to talk to his girlfriend about the repeated behavior rather than simply observing it, and if it didn't improve, he'd have to decide whether or not it'd eventually be a dealbreaker.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.