Death is a difficult thing to anticipate but many do what they can to make plans ahead of time.
Redditor aitastepmumdad faced pushback from their family over their late mother's arrangements.
The 24-year-old man turned to the "Am I the A**hole" subReddit for feedback on their decision, asking:
"AITA for not letting my step mum be buried with my dad?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"When I was very young my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He survived but it was very close and my mum bought a 3 person burial site in our local cemetery just in case he died so that one day we could be buried together."
"About 5 years after his cancer scare my mum died in an accident at work."
"Pretty much immediately after my step mum came into the picture. It was pretty clear from the get go that she was only interested in dad because of mum's life insurance plus the accidental death payout."
"She had 2 kids from prior marriages (dad was her third). My dad was devastated from losing mum and I think he just saw my step mum as an easy person to comfort him."
"I absolutely do not blame him for the sh*t she put me through."
"My preteen and teen years sucked because of her, I was continuously bullied by her kids and her, I wasn't allowed to join sports teams or socialize after school. If I wasn't studying then I was cleaning and if I protested then I would go without meals."
"My dad died about 8 years after mum did and my step mum immediately kicked me out. I was only 15 at the time."
"There was a huge fight over my dad's assets because he left almost everything to me."
"Long story short she has just died. Her children have approached me and asked that she be buried next to dad and mum."
"I have refused. They're now lambasting me all over [social media] and to mutual friends accusing me of being mean and that she was dad's wife and should be buried next to him."
"AITA here?"
Redditors decided who the real AH is in this situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors came to the conclusion that OP was NTA here.
"NTA. She made it clear by kicking you out as a CHILD that you are not her family. Why should she be buried next to yours?"~DullCode7213
"She has two other husbands she can be buried next to (to whom each kid has a connection as the father). Pick one of those. NTA"~rainyhawk
"Exactly. What monster kicks out a 15 yo orphan? I doubt your dad would want to be buried with her if he knew what she did to you."
"Also, it's kind of weird that your step siblings want to bury your stepmom with your mother. In fact you would bury a woman with the deceased wife of her late husband."
"NTA. Please don't let your step siblings take advantage of you."~poeza_fluffy
"NTA. That is a family plot allocated prior to their marriage. Had he any intention of being buried with her, your dad would have taken the means to do so."
"Ignore them, block them, whatever. You have done nothing wrong. It's not her resting place."~smoocheepoo
"Even Cinderella's stepmother didn't kick her out of the house. NTA. I'm sorry for everything you went through growing up."~Elegant_Occasion4435
"NTA. Your mom purchased the plots specifically for the three of you. You don't owe your stepmom anything."~Confusion-Advanced
"NTA Your bio-parents made their requests pretty clear when they got the three of you plots together. Your dad had years to update his wishes if he had wanted to."
"At this point the decision is yours and you are allowed to make it however you want. Given how things went between all of you, I agree with your sentiment and encourage you to stay strong."~GlassFrog_9
"NTA. I would continue to refuse. Your mother bought the 3-person burial site with the sweet intention of her, your dad, and you being together after death."
"From the sounds of it, your step-monster made no effort to be part of your life and certainly ensured you weren't part of hers."
"Her kids have no right to demand that she be buried there. I imagine your mother would find it abhorrent as well, were she alive. So sorry for all the loss you've been through, btw."~mushityke
Some commenters thought the step-siblings had alternative reasons for wanting OP to give in.
"Adding to the top comment because this is crucial: they're absolutely asking because the lot and vault are already definitely paid for. Funerals are expensive, but a lot and a vault for a new gravesite basically double the cost of a funeral."
"That OP already has one that's (probably definitely) paid for is a huge expense that the stepkids won't have to cover if she caves. F*ck 'em, OP. NTA"~dramaandaheadache
"Yup. You know they just want the free burial plot, since their mom apparently didn't take care of her own funeral arrangements when she was alive."
"NTA, and I hope you block their numbers and emails, OP."~Purple_Midnight_Yak
"The plot they are demanding is also the plot OP's mom bought for OP. Definitely NTA."
"I hope dad is in the middle plot so they can't even try and work the evil step-mom into an adjacent one."~Calfer
"NTA. You own the grave. It's yours."
"The empty plot is for you when your time comes. That's why your mom bought it."
"Don't waste it on her. They can buy their mother a plot they actually have a right to, not mooch a free one off of someone she abused."~Luna-Strange
It's extremely difficult to deal with the death of loved ones and grief without added stress. We wish OP the best.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.