Consent needs to be informed, excitedly, freely and voluntarily given.
Part of giving informed concern is understanding your partner’s sexual health status, and birth control methods. So, lying about birth control methods is sexual coercion. That is never okay!
Redditor perfectdammmess encountered this very issue with his ex. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for not wanting to support ex during her delivery?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“It’s a complicated story that I’m (25M) stuck in and want others thoughts.”
“My ex (29f) and I were together for a year then months ago we broke up when I found out she was pregnant. The thing is she had always told me she’d gotten a hysterectomy a couple years ago.”
“Me being the stupid naive f*ck that I was believed her.”
“Because after we were together a while she said there wasn’t a point in me using protection since I thought she had this done, plus neither of us were seeing others so I thought what the hell.”
“When I learned that was a big a** lie I left, and said if she wanted to come after me for child support well there’s nothing I can do to stop that but I wasn’t about to be involved more than that.”
OP didn’t want kids.
“She already knew I never wanted kids but she really did and that’s where we’re at. She hasn’t contacted me over anything about her pregnancy except recently.”
“The situation happened because her mom got sick and can’t be there to support her during the delivery of the baby.”
“My ex knows we have our history and is the last person I wanna deal with but she begged me to do this huge favor for her because she’s really scared about being in labor alone. She was really sure her mom would be there with her so at least had that support, but now she’s got no one.”
“My brother’s had my back since day one but some in my family like my mom don’t agree with me cutting off contact from the kid.”
“They won’t force it but still made it clear what their stance was. My parents both say she’s a mother in distress who’s about to have her first kid and I need to step up to do her this kindness.”
“Like, they don’t agree with how it happened but because it’s ‘happening whether I like it or not’ it’s important I give her this support.”
“I’m hearing it from my family, I’m hearing it from my ex who won’t stop asking. All acting like I’m being an a**hole for not wanting to be in the delivery room with the person I hate giving birth to a baby I never wanted.”
“Sorry if this sounds like angry ranting, I get it she’s pregnant and scared.”
“But does it make me TA that I still don’t want to be there for her?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA”
“She literally trapped you wtf”
“Try to reverse the gender in the situation ‘yeah, he told me he got a vasectomy, but he lied, now I’m pregnant.'”
“It is a really shitty thing to do, I’m sorry for you man.” ~ AkairoPorcoddio
“And since it’s hard for him to prove the Trap, he cant even escape Child support , this is messed up… NTA.” ~ barugosamaa
“Even if he could prove it, he wouldn’t get out of child support. The CS is not for the benefit of the mom, but for the child. And the child is innocent.”
“You don’t want to be trapped, use f****** condoms. If you never want children get a vasectomy.”
“OP is NTA because the EX has no right of his emotional support.” ~ SCKR
Many argued getting a hysterectomy is incredibly hard in general.
“Doesn’t matter if they are completely confident they don’t want children, it’s actually getting it done that’s the problem, just Google stories about how hard it is for someone to convince their doctor they really do want their tubes tied, etc.” ~ theburntcurlyfry
“It’s easier to get an endometrial ablation if you are under 30 than a hysterectomy…. And that’s very very difficult since the risks of miscarriage increase a lot.” ~ SnooBananas7203
“If this person is in the US, it’s notoriously difficult to get a hysterectomy, especially a voluntary one. I’d honestly be impressed she managed to get on medically necessary or not unless heroic measures were needed.”
“NTA. The kid isn’t even here yet, so it’s just her requesting support. If she lied, she can’t expect you (the injured party) console her.” ~ Way_Bulky
Many agreed OP’s ex was in the wrong.
“I’m 23 and had a hysterectomy for medical reasons, so you really never know on that front. I got lucky(?) that my situation was bad enough for all the doctors to be like ‘yeah… your best option is to get this taken out.'”
“Still very uncommon for women my age, though, and one should always be cautious. Like you said, always use a freaking condom if you don’t want kids. Not victim blaming, just a general rule for all men out there.”
“Always bring your own so that you know if they’ve been tampered with. Baby trapping is sexual coercion and rape in my opinion; if you asked someone something important to your decision to consent and they lie to get you to consent, that’s not really consent.” ~ knifepen6
“Why are we blaming the victim here? He’s already said he’ll pay child support, so, done and done.”
“EX deliberately mislead him because she ‘wanted a baby’ and life threw her a curveball. Life does this really well. So pull up your big girl pants now and realize that this is what single motherhood is. Mommy won’t always be there when the going gets tough. Figure it out.”
“OP NTA at all. She made her hospital bed, she can lie in it and push all by her big girl self.” ~ gay_flatulent
“So we can blame the victim of rape when it’s a man? He did not consent to this.”
“You make me sick.” ~ boogers19
Consent is not something to take for granted.