Don't you hate it when the past, present and future collide?
We don't always permanently shake the remnants of childhood trauma.
So we have to find ways to navigate when it pops up later.
Especially when it pops up in our professional lives.
Case in point...
Redditor throwaway-30114 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not hiring the kid I bullied in middle school?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Okay so, I'll be the first to say, I was an awful kid in middle school."
"I was mean, cruel, and angry at everyone."
"It resulted in me bullying a kid really, really bad."
"I'd call him names, pull 'pranks,' and even embarrassed him in front of the girl he liked."
"His mom was on the school board, so it led to a general assembly in which we had a long talk."
"I can't say how his mom found out, all I can say is he had written a letter and I think you guess what he planned to do to the school and himself."
"After, I felt really sick."
"I had driven a person to that because of my own stupid problems."
"I immediately turned myself in, took my suspension, and then laid low for the rest of the year."
"We ended up going to separate schools and universities, but ended up working in the same industry, in the same town."
"I've done well for myself."
"I have a really good job, and I've basically been moved up into a managerial position."
"Recently, we have a new open position."
"I found out that the kid I bullied applied to the position."
"I'll admit I was a bit nervous because of our history."
"But I pushed it aside and knew I needed to make the apology, or move to another department if he was qualified, but unwilling to work with me."
"However, he bombed the interview."
"He interviewed with a woman on our team I highly respect, and he treated her like garbage."
"Then, through some digging (yes, this is code for gossip, the whole industry is filled with it), it became clear that he was just like that."
"He treated his former coworkers very poorly as well."
"So, we couldn't have him here."
"We denied going forward with his application."
"However, I guess he knew it was my team because he reached out over LinkedIn."
"I didn't think it was appropriate, so I ignored his message. "
"This led to him making a tweet on Twitter (we have shared mutuals so I saw the retweets) about how bullies never change."
"It made me feel really bad because I do want to make things right with him."
"And I'm sure that being bullied really bad didn't help with his emotional adjustment."
"I just don't want to put my team in a hostile work environment."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, because he was rejected for professional reasons not personal." ~ HarryEspeland
"But perhaps acknowledging him on Linkedin, apologizing for your past behavior and saying you'll ask for some feedback on his application might have handled it better."
"Then either you or the panel provide constructive feedback that he didn't come across well in the interview, didn't seem to respect the hiring manager and there were other candidates that didn't have these issues."
"He's seen no evidence of you changing so it's not unreasonable to him to think you may have said something after he didn't get hired and you blanked him on Linkedin." ~ jaycoolwood
"Unfortunately apologizing for what OP used to do to him can open the door to something legal I think?"
"Especially because we know the guy has no problem taking this to social media."
"If OP wants to apologize it should be in a public open area to do so verbally so there's no "proof" that this guy can use to say that OP purposely prevented him from getting the job."
"Unfortunately I do think this may be a byproduct of OP's bullying."
"I really hope the kid got therapy after his attempt because if not then I could see why he would have turned into a bully himself."
"With no one to talk to about these strong feelings lots of picked on people will turn into the thing they hate as a way to take back the control they lost." ~ AnimalLover38
"I have almost zero sympathy for the bullied kid."
"I was bullied, to the point where I attempted a thing."
"It never once crossed my mind to do anything to the school or the people inside it, which the OP alluded to."
"I'm a teacher now, and I have to accept getting murdered by a mass shooter as a remote but not impossible occupational hazard."
"How did that miniature psycho's threats get swept under the rug?"
"Oh, bullied kid has a mommy in a powerful position."
"That person has problems -- present tense."
"Problems unrelated to his abuse."
"Bullying didn't help it, may have exacerbated it."
"If I were OP, I'd feel bad about my past actions, maybe mentor kids in need or something to 'atone.'"
"But I'd so know my hands are clean in this situation." ~ wethelabyrinths111
"At this point, the situation has come too close to OP's job and career."
"If they ran into each other on the street, then maybe."
"But since it would be in response to a rejected job application and bombed interview, absolutely not."
"OP owned up to the bullying when it was happening and wants to apologize."
"But over LinkedIn in response to that message from someone who behaves like that is absolutely a terrible idea."
"OP should ignore the message." ~ basilobs
"NTA. Kinda seems like this guy is so hung up that he was bullied that he ended up becoming the bully to everyone in his life."
"OP may have done something terrible but he fessed up and owned the consequences."
"He shouldn't have to pay the rest of his life for it."
"This guy he bullied seems like he's got a lot more going on than just 'used to be bullied' in junior high." ~ Phoenixfeather777
"NTA. The bullying and the hiring issue are separate things."
"Had he been more professional he would have sent a post interview letter thanking your team for the opportunity and moved on."
"You can't hire a poor candidate out of guilt."
"As far as the bullying issue goes it sounds like something that should be addressed, maybe in person."
"Depends on the level of interest on both of your parts but clearly it's unresolved for both of you." ~ CrochetAndKittens
"NTA Bullying is awful."
"Years ago in school you were an awful kid."
"You're not a kid anymore and neither is he."
"Under no circumstances should you respond to him."
"Not by DM, social media, text or anything."
"If he send an email to you at work, forward it to HR."
"If you genuinely feel awful, reach out to a qualified therapist and work through your feelings."
"If you engage with him you can jeopardize your job."
"Perhaps the way you treated him in school helped him develop a warped worldview?"
"Or maybe bad parenting?"
"It's been something like 8 years at least since the Bullying (4 years of high school and 4 years of uni plus however long you've been working)."
"And frankly it's not your fault that something you did at least a decade ago when you were a kid is still affecting him." ~ YeaRight228
"It sounds like you grew out of being a bully and became a generally good person."
"It also sounds like maybe your bullying this guy had more of an effect on him long-term than it did you, and he hasn't learned how to move past it."
"I wouldn't beat myself up if he bombed the interview."
"I would see what he has to say, but make it clear that the person you were in school is not the person you are now." ~ A2ZKIRBY71
"NTA. Subjecting your employees to his toxicity wouldn't exactly redeem you."
"A bad childhood can be a reason you're an a**hole but it's not an excuse."
"He's an adult and he chooses every day to treat people badly. It's not beyond his control." ~ VariationEconomy5986
"NTA, but you should consider that your bullying probably had some impact in his behavior now, even years later."
"That apology and amends should have been made long ago."
"I would suggest a full breakdown of why he didn't get the job alongside a full complete apology with accepting responsibility for your actions." ~ lauren200623001
"Nope. You'd be an AH if you hired him despite all the issues - professional, he didn't earn the job." ~ muy_carona
It sounds like Reddit approves of your "adult" actions, OP.
Perhaps a mediated and witnessed meeting could give some answers and heal old wounds.
And sometimes...you're just not right for the part.
Actors deal with it all of the time.
Good luck, OP.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.