Carpooling is a great, eco-friendly way to save on gas and Ubers.
Carpooling, however, is not great when people vehemently disagree with the driver about things like how to handle the temperature in the car.
Redditor allthewindowsup has consistently gotten in disagreements with his brother's girlfriend about her rolling the windows down while he's driving.
Their latest spat drove the Original Poster (OP) to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for feedback.
He asked:
"AITA for turning on the child lock feature on my car windows?"
He went on to explain.
"My [30 year old Male] brother, "Alex", [25 year old Male] has been dating "Rose" [24 year old Female] for nearly a year now. I like her a lot for the most part, but this instance has caused issues."
"Rose gets hot easily and prefers to have the windows down. It doesn't matter what vehicle, what kind of weather temperature wise she needs them down."
"In her own, I don't think it's that big of a deal because she's driving."
"I don't mind the windows being down if we're driving through town. However, I cannot drive with windows down on the highway. I have ADHD and so driving in itself is a bit of a challenge." "
I've learned how to deal with minor distractions but one I cannot get over is the sound of the windows down on the highway."
"I've explained this to Rose and offered to even turn on the AC if she's truly that hot. She says she needs the windows down or else she's going to overheat."
"I've told her to either wear layers in the car or again, I'll put on the AC. She's continued to do so, even after several talks with both her and Alex."
"My brother just kind of shrugs and says "What can you do?" Both have said there is no condition behind this preference."
"As I said, Rose is a fun person, so the three of us and my girlfriend, "Paige" [30 year old Female] will go out often."
"At first, we took turns driving if we weren't Ubering somewhere but given this whole window debacle, I had stopped offering."
"Then Murphy's law went into place. The only available car was mine last night."
"We picked up Alex and Rose, who sat in the backseat. As usual, Rose turned down the window."
"I told her I would be rolling it up when we got on the highway and she said that was fine and even did it herself when we pulled on."
"2 minutes later, I hear the window coming down and that awful whooshing sound. I told her to put it back up and she started whining 'But I'm hot!'"
"I pointed out that the AC was on and that wasn't enough for her. She still refused. We came on a bit of traffic."
"I don't know if all cars have this, but mine has one where you can prevent the backseat from opening and closing the window. I assume it's a feature mostly for people with kids."
"I rolled up the window and used the feature. I don't think Rose realized I had done it, as it's a silent manuver, she just knew I rolled up the window."
"A little later, she tries to put it down again and it obviously doesn't work. She's getting frustrated. I tell her that it's not going to roll down and I won't unlock it until we get off the highway."
"She starts freaking out, telling me she's so hot and I need to open the window NOW! I tell her no and crank up the AC some more if she's that hot."
"Alex kept telling her to calm down, she's fine, etc. Rose whined the entire way, even when we got off the highway and I unlocked the windows. She didn't even touch them."
"When we got to our destination, Rose took an Uber home in a huff."
"She texted me later saying I'm an a**hole and if I expect her to get over being hot in the car, why can't I get over the distraction of the highway."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA. I would tell them you are never driving with her as a passenger again. Your safety supercedes her comfort. Your medical issues supercede her preferences." - Edcrfvh
"NTA but her reaction sounds like my friend who has claustrophobia."
"She'd say she's was "hot" but realistically, in the back seat especially, she'd freak out and need the window open because she felt confined."
"You may both be doing battle with issues you can't control easily." - OokiiStaR
"NTA at all, she sounds like… a lot to deal with. You offered perfectly good compromises and as the driver, what you say goes. Period."
"If she wants the windows down on the highway, she can drive!"
"Plus AC is way better at cooling a person than a rolled down window…" - malletgirl91
"NTA"
"It's your car. That's really it."
"Rose , at 24, should have already learned that the world will not always bend to her whim."
"If she knows she gets hot in cars, she should get herself a couple of pretty fans or even one of those rechargeable cooling gizmos." - rapt2right
"NTA. If rose needs that much cooling she should be seeing a doctor. If you genuinely need to cut out distractions while driving, then that takes priority and rose needs to grow up." - saltedfish
"NTA. I personally have really bad ears and I can't drive at all with the windows down unless I'm going 10 miles or less."
"You're maneuvering a multi ton metal death machine, so your concentration takes precedence over her being hot. Also, the AC should be enough." - Front_Plankton_6808
"NTA"
"Truly, I would live in front of an air conditioning vent if I could. I keep my bedroom window open in the winter. I HATE to be hot."
"But Rose is absurd. Does she have some kind of medical condition? Is she like this in other places or just in the car? Is it possible it's car sickness? Either way, WTF." - personofpaper
"I wonder if what she means by hot is actually a form of car sickness. I get easily car sick especially with the windows up and it makes me feel sweaty and nauseated and like I can't breathe."
"So she may be experiencing something like that that the car temperature itself doesn't help."
"That said I would -never- roll the window down if the driver had asked me not to (for any reason, but especially if I knew the reason why was safety related!)"
"nor would I pout and carry on like a pork chop if I asked and was told no. NTA whatsoever!" - elephantjungle1660
"NTA. You need to concentrate, and that's a distraction. Can she sit in the front seat so the AC vents hit her directly?" - elsie78
"'I expect her to get over being hot in the car, why can't I get over the distraction of the highway.'"
"And here's the difference between being the driver, and the passenger. If the passenger is distracted by their discomfort, well, the passenger is distracted by their discomfort."
"If the DRIVER is distracted by their discomfort, then oh sh*t look out for that truck augh augh we're all going to die."
"NTA." - microgiant
"NTA. Her being hot in the car is uncomfortable at worst. You being distracted while driving on the highway can end up with all four of you being a bloody smear."
"Of course the needs of the driver outweigh the needs of the passenger in this situation." - Sunny_Hill_1
"Nta. I also have adhd and I simply cannot tolerate the "fluttering" noise that comes from having the back windows down but not the front."
"It makes my hairs all stand on end, all of my muscles tighten up and it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up." - BiltongBeast
"NTA Driver shuts the windows, back seat shuts their cake hole" - I_Am_Clavia
"NTA"
"I don't even care if I'm downvoted- I get so sick and tired of people with inexplicable yet major issues that are relatively minor with which they insist the world is falling apart if they aren't accommodated and refuse to ever compromise."
"Like, really Girl, you ain't gonna die, just "chill" for 15 mins. You be just fine"
"Makes me think their parents just could not say 'No'" - Pale-Equal
"NTA."
"I hate the AC and need the window down, but not my car, not my decision. Unless it was a 5 hours drive, she can deal with the window closed." - Primary-Criticism929
"NTA. The driver's comfort comes first, because you are responsible for the lives and safety of your passenger. If you are distracted or uncomfortable, you can't reasonably provide that." - Syd_Lexia
"NTA. Is she a golden retriever? Why is she obsessed with the window down when there's perfectly good ac?"
"Your focus on the road is a benefit for everyone involved, too."
"She needs to understand that especially when your driver has ADHD and has expressed that this particular thing is very distracting to them." - KCN2017
Why can't Rose drive them all?
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.