Pregnancy is not easy.
On anybody!
The joy is equaled by the worry and the stress.
And it can be a very difficult time for couples.
Especially when it comes to the daily dinner menu.
Case in point...
Redditor igorhevaj to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for going to my friend's house when my wife told me to f**k off?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (28 M[ale}) wife (27 F[emale}) is 7 months pregnant."
"Since she's been pregnant, she has been having a go at me for small things, like if I don't make dinner for her, or when I cook her the wrong thing."
"Before she was pregnant, she was never like this; she was always very sweet."
"Yesterday my wife came back from her parent's house, and I made homemade pizza for us."
"She told me she doesn't want pizza and to cook her something else."
"I told her if it's quick and easy I'll make it, she asked for homemade chicken dumplings."
"I told her I'm not making that because that will take ages."
"She told me she's pregnant and is craving dumplings."
"I told her 'I know you're pregnant, but I'm not making dumplings for you.'"
"She started having a rage that I wouldn't cook her something."
"It was 6 pm at night I'm not whipping out all these ingredients."
"I told her to make it herself or to not have anything."
"When I had my pizza she was sitting on the couch sobbing saying that I don't love her or the baby."
"I told her I'll make dumplings tomorrow night for her but not tonight."
"She told me to f**k off somewhere else."
"I asked my friend if I could stay the night with him and he said yes."
"Packed clothes and slammed the door behind me."
"When I was halfway to my friends, my wife texted me begging for me to come back, so I told her to f**k off as she did with me."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. I've had 3 kids of my own."
"I've been around significant portions of the MANY pregnancies of my siblings, and yes, hormones are awful."
"But they DO NOT give a woman a free pass to be abusive and then absolute immunity to repercussions."
"Maybe you could have worded your response better and told her that, no, you weren't coming home because you needed time to cool off."
"But just because she's pregnant doesn't mean that you don't get to feel upset or hurt by her actions." ~ Nihlys
"I agree with your NTA judgment, and I don't like people who use pregnancy as an excuse to be a jerk."
"But the fact that OP says his wife was never like this before late in the pregnancy tells me there might be something else going on."
"My sister was like this when she was pregnant with her first."
"She had a FULL personality change about month 5-6 and started snapping at people, yelling, had zero temper or tolerance, quit her dream job, had cravings for food she was deathly allergic to, and would break down sobbing because she couldn't have them."
"It f**king sucked and the family has no idea how or why her husband stayed with her."
"When my niece was born my sister had severe post-partum depression that necessitated a few weeks in a treatment facility (though I think some of that depression was exacerbated by how badly her relationships had been affected)."
"Her second and third pregnancies were pretty standard although after #2 she lost the ability to watch anything scarier than Hocus Pocus without crying, so that's weird."
"I only bring this up to say that pregnancy affects different bodies in different ways and some people can be severely physically or mentally affected by pregnancy far beyond what most of the population experiences."
"It's possible that the way she's acting right now is not a permanent personality change or really something she's in full control of."
"It's a big red flag saying she needs to meet with a professional to get this in hand and make sure that it doesn't turn into anything more serious like P[rinciples] and P[ractice] of D[rug] D[evelopment]."
"That's not to excuse the behavior or say that OP was wrong in any way."
"I'm a fan of the phrase 'your mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility,' and it's the responsibility of OP's wife to get help and figure out what's going on." ~ agent_raconteur
"I'd say NTA, too."
"I think it would have been better to say, 'You told me to f**k off, so I have f**ked off" rather than telling her to, but I know I wouldn't when in the moment and feeling angry."
"She needs consequences to her actions to recognize they're wrong."
"You offered to do something, and she declined."
"She's pregnant, not disabled, so could have either requested something specific earlier or cooked for herself if the pizza wasn't okay."
"Yes, hormones DO make us all wild at times, and having never been pregnant, I can only imagine the horrible upheaval and don't think she's the worst human for this."
"But she can't use it as an excuse to be an ar*e."
"If, and a very big if, she'd have apologized instantly and said she was out of order for how she spoke to you."
"Then maybe I'd have gone home after a few hours, but your friend stepped up when you needed them, and changing their plans twice in a night isn't fair, either."
"She needs to learn how to articulate her needs and remember that however hard it is, she's not got a personal slave, only a partner." ~ Important_Sprinkles9
"I'm pregnant too, and I don't do any of this sh*t."
"My husband works long hours, and I only complain if he comes too late, 9 pm or so (which I did before anyways)."
"I'd be more than thrilled if he cooked me homemade pizza."
"This lady needs to chill out and apologize. NTA." ~ Cristin86
"I don't get why so many think that just because you're pregnant, you get to be a d**k."
I'm a mother of two and those hormones sucked so bad."
"I remember crying over the animal shelter ads and not being able to tie my shoe."
"But I wasn't ever an a**hole."
"OP, she is abusing you."
"If the roles were reversed everyone would say leave the abuser."
"If I were you I'd tell the wife she either gets her s**t straight or you are leaving and filing for full custody after the child is born. NTA." ~ Stolitz_666
"NTA- Just because she's pregnant that doesn't give her the right to boss you around or emotionally manipulate you or be verbally abusive."
"You fixed dinner. She didn't like it. Oh well!"
"She could have ordered it or fixed it herself."
"She's not handicapped or on bed rest so why people are on here saying YTA or EHS is ridiculous." ~ jcola29
"NTA, OP. I'm currently five months pregnant."
"There have definitely been nights where my husband or I have cooked something for dinner only for me to realize it doesn't sound appetizing."
"Sometimes I can manage to get it down."
"And when I can't I either eat a bunch of snacks or drive my a** to McDonald's and get my own food that I can eat without gagging."
"There's only been one time in the first trimester that I needed him to make me a second dinner because I was just too nauseous."
"And I made sure to only ask for plain pasta with butter because it was quick and easy."
"Pregnancy hormones and cravings are a *itch, but your wife is being completely unreasonable." ~ MiniatureAppendix
"NTA. Pregnancy hormones can be overwhelming to experience, but is no excuse for continued bad behavior."
"She's the AH for acting like a spoiled child and asking you to F off, but it isn't great that you chose to respond in kind."
"Was this normal behavior from her pre-pregnancy?"
"If not, why don't you try to have a conversation with her when you're both calm about her mood swings and how it's impacting you."
"Maybe she needs to speak to a professional if she's having a hard time managing her emotions and it's impacting her relationships." ~ BackgroundPoem3735
"NTA. It's actually very refreshing to be on a feed where not everyone is immediately acting like pregnant women are saints who have no control."
"There's this weird phenomenon on the internet at the moment at as soon as someone is pregnant they are no longer responsible for their actions and must be treated like finest porcelain, lest they weep a single tear."
"Having been there and done that, yes it's horrid and hard at points, but you don't get to have temper tantrums and sob that your partner doesn't love you or the baby just because you aren't immediately getting your way."
"Sounds like this was the straw that broke the camel's back for OP." ~ knittingneedles321
Well OP, sounds like Reddit is with you.
It seems like you're doing your best.
It may be time for a quiet sit down with the wife, and y'all can vent your thoughts.
It's a stressful part of the journey.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp