Being the sole breadwinner in a family can be important to certain people.
Some people, especially men, feel they need to fill that role.
But this can be a detriment to the welfare of the family.
So sometimes difficult choices have to be made.
Redditor Jaded-Substance-5838 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA if I went behind my husband’s back and got a job?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (38 F[emale]) have been a S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-M[om] for 17 years.”
“My husband (44 M[ale]) is the only breadwinner (if you can call it that).”
“I’ve gotten a job offer that would allow me to bring in about 1200$ a week before taxes at a local grocery store.”
“Every time I bring up the job offer, he shuts me down.”
“All our kids are in school during the day, but they eat lunch at home.”
“I’m responsible for pick up and drop off for our elementary-aged kids.”
“This job would get us (mostly him, because I am listed as his dependent) off of welfare and into a better financial situation.”
“Would I be the a**hole if I jumped the gun and took the job behind his back and only told him the day that I started work?”
“To be honest, getting this job would make me the main breadwinner in the household.”
“He’s threatened to kick me out several times.”
“I just want to protect myself and my kids.”
“It would also allow me to get out of the house and away from him while the kids aren’t home.”
“Another advantage is that I would be able to put some money aside for my escape fund.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, Reddit… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Yeah, that’s rough.”
“I’d say YWNBTA for getting the job, but if he’s already threatened to kick you out, I’d approach it carefully because you saying ‘I have a job now’ might cause him to flip out and cause more headaches than it’s worth in the short term.”
“Go for it and get a job, but also be thinking about the impacts it’ll have and how you’ll navigate those because it might not be pretty.”
“Obviously, I hope I’m wrong, and he ends up saying, ‘Oh cool, now that you’re working it’s not actually that bad and I appreciate the extra money around the house,’ but it makes sense to be prepared in case that isn’t the situation.'” ~ hatterson
“Sounds like OP is economically trapped in a crap relationship.”
“That’s the biggest reason women stay with lousy partners.”
“That and emotional trauma make them afraid to leave.” ~ BookLuvr7
“Probably exactly why he doesn’t want you working.”
“He loses control over you.”
“If you are planning an escape route out of this relationship, then looking out for you and the kids comes first, including getting that job and saving money and being clever and calculating about it. NTA.” ~ Reddit_chitchat
“If making $2400 a month makes you the major breadwinner in a household with multiple kids, you don’t have a provider in your home and he has no leg to stand on to dictate anything here.”
“If the guy was pulling in multiple-six figures and wants his wife to stay home taking care of the kids, that’s at least a values conversation that can be had.”
“But if your household income is less than $2400 a month for a minimum of four mouths to feed you guys are deep in emergency territory.”
“It’s all hands on deck to bring in more money, and anyone not on that mission needs to get off the boat.” ~ Explosivpotato
“Getting this job would make me the main breadwinner.”
“And there it is.”
“From what you describe, it sounds like he enjoys the financial power he has over you.”
“If you start earning (especially more than he does) it’s a threat to him.”
“This might be considered financial abuse.”
“I’d find a local women’s shelter/counselor and ask for their solid advice as this message board isn’t really the best place to be basing your decisions on.”
“NTA. But be aware, this could be risky for you.” ~ IamIrene
“I’m not here to speak about your marriage, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m attacking it, but the fact he’s shot it down every time before is concerning.”
“You deserve a life away from your husband and kids, it’s your life, and to be completely honest you’ll be an even bigger role model for your kids, it’s inspiring to see your parents work.” ~ REDDIT
“NTA Right off the bat, I thought you should do it – it sounds like your family is struggling financially and this would be a big help, being 100% financially dependent on your partner is always very risky.”
“Then I saw the escape fund comment – you need to get this job.” ~ Jerseygirl2468
“NTA. Your husband is financially and emotionally abusing you.”
“Expect it to escalate.”
“Yes take the job, but be sure to have an emergency escape or backup plan.”
“Can your children take lunch to eat at school?”
“The job is at a grocery store so you should be able to manage either dropoff or pickup around your hours.”
“You can look into before or after-school arrangements depending on your schedule, maybe an after-school program or friends or neighbors.”
“You need to get out of this situation and show your children a better life.” ~ Alarming_Pop9759
“Do it. Take the job.”
“$1200 a week before taxes is $30 per hour for a 40 hr week.”
“That sounds pretty darn good for working at a grocery store.”
“Yes, take the job, just do the math and know how this will effect your partner’s welfare income.”
“You might not be able to save much if your new income eliminates the welfare income, BUT this job will be your building block to get out of the marriage and improve your kid’s quality of life.”
“Is easier to find bigger and better work opportunities when already employed.” ~ TimberRoad42
“Yikes. You are in a relationship with a very controlling man if he just says no and that’s that.”
“Also him not wanting you to work is very controlling.”
“This sounds like financial abuse.”
“He wants you to stay on welfare because then you can’t leave him, you don’t have the funds to do so.”
“But if you got your own job, you could save on your own without him knowing.”
“That’s what he is afraid of.”
“Don’t go behind his back but just let him know you are accepting the position for your own well-being and that of the family and that’s that.”
“He made his decision without caring about your feelings, why do you care about his?” ~ Pretty-Scientist-848
“NTA, especially if you need that escape fund.”
“But if you’re going to put money away, make sure he never sees your pay slip.”
“You’d also need to factor in how your earnings might affect your welfare payments.”
“But the only one who can change your life is you so do it.”
“The alternative doesn’t sound great.” ~ Yikes44
“There’s a reason they say keep ’em barefoot and pregnant.”
“Barefoot in the winter, pregnant in the summer, and they can’t run away.”
“Take the job.”
“Set up a camera in the house in case he doesn’t like his loss of control.”
“I wouldn’t tell him about it that’s when shit gets dangerous.”
“Also pointing out that there are plenty of resources for women and children as long as they’re still children but if you wait they might only help you if you’re kids are older.”
“Do it now.”
“Don’t even wait for savings. Find a friend you can stay with or a shelter.”
“Then work and save to get your kids. If he’s on welfare, he probs can’t afford a lawyer, and the kids will go to the mom.”
“Make it known to someone if you think he’ll hurt the kids if you’re gone (hence the camera).”
“Remember that anything he does in retaliation is not your fault.”
“He makes his own choice.”
“You should be allowed yours.”
“One of the things I learned as a kid is these f**kers wanna abuse something small not fight something at the same level.”
“Take a defense class or just watch some videos and find someone to practice with.”
“It’ll boost your confidence and make it harder for him to want you in the first place bc these men look for women who will put up with nonsense.”
“Not fight back.” ~ Fit_Equivalent3425
“NTA. And don’t tell him how much you’re making, or you’ll never be able to save and leave.”
“You’ll have so many emergencies appear out of nowhere until you’re broke, then something will happen and he’ll need you to quit so you can stay home for whatever reason.”
“Take the job, come up with a solid plan, and whatever you do, don’t fall for any of the BS that will come once you start.”
“Your starting work will be the beginning of his controlling end so please keep you and your kids safe.” ~ justbffr
“I’d find a way to make it happen.”
“It makes sense for so many reasons, especially your own mental health.”
“I just don’t understand how a partner is against improving your financial situation. NTA.” ~ Chuck60s
“Did I read Escape Fund?”
“He’s your husband, not your master.”
“It’s not his decision”
“If you want the job, go for it!”
“You might want to put the money in a private account…”
“You are NTA.” ~ REDDIT
OP came back with a little more info…
“Edit: I just realized that I said 1200$ a week.”
“It’s more like 1200$ every 2 weeks.”
“I typed out this text so fast, I didn’t read it over.”
“Sorry for the confusion.”
Reddit is with you, OP.
And Reddit is also deeply concerned.
Needing an escape fund is serious.
If you can reach out for help, please do.
If there is a safe way for you to take this job, Reddit wants you to take it!
Good Luck!