Fondue is a Swiss dish served communally in a pot over a small flame.
Diners use long forks to dip food into the pot's hot contents to either coat it or cook it.
While cheese fondue is the most well-known, chocolate, oil, and broth fondue are also options.
A Redditor whose family shares a fondue every year turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being asked to skip it.
CharacterWeekend8791 asked:
"AITA for not wanting to break a family tradition to accomodate my sister-in-law (SIL)?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"For at least 10 years or more, it has been our family's tradition to have a meat oil fondue for dinner on Christmas Eve."
"My sister-in-law has had her gallbladder removed and can't eat greasy/fatty foods. Last year, she brought her own salmon filet to have for dinner while we all did the oil fondue."
"My brother has now stated that if we have fondue again, they will not come because she does not want to feel left out. Either we all eat the same thing or they don't come."
"I would be happy to provide an alternative for just her instead of her bringing it herself, but I don't want to break our fondue tradition. It's how my kids grew up and my parents enjoy it as well."
"Traditions are important to them."
"AITA for saying no and effectively leaving them out?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I want to continue having our traditional greasy/fatty meat fondue dinner. That then means it would exclude their family."
"Or should we change our tradition to accommodate one person and their dietary restrictions so we all eat the same food at the meal?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. It's not fair to ask everyone to change a holiday tradition for everyone when that person is already being accommodated. My son has an intolerance to the protein in dairy, so he can't have it at all."
"So when we do the Feast of the Seven Fishes, some of the dishes are dairy-free, and some have dairy. It would be totally unfair for him to demand that because he can't have dairy, no one can." ~ obtusewisdom
"NTA. You've already stated you're willing to accommodate your SiL by providing an alternative, and as the Host, you shouldn't have to change the entire meal for everyone to accommodate one person, especially if it's a long-standing tradition the whole Family enjoys." ~ OnlymyOP
"NTA as long as you're willing to provide a separate dish so she can eat. There is no reason that everyone should be held to her diet." ~ keesouth
"Brother: Either we all eat the same thing or [we] don't come."
"Family: That's too bad. We'll miss you and your salmon filet."
"NTA." ~ Impossible_Gazelle27
"I do not understand this hideous, selfish need to impose one person's dietary restriction upon everyone, especially when it is a long-standing tradition."
"I would never presume to be so delusional that I would demand no one else can eat something because I can't! Especially when a perfectly good alternative is offered."
"WTF is wrong with these people? OP, you are NTA. Tell them sorr,y we will miss you and your entitlement this year!" ~ Tricky-Ad6582
"I know all sorts of folks with all sorts of dietary restrictions (both voluntary and involuntary), and they take responsibility to work around their restrictions."
"If that means they bring their own food (like a vegetarian main course if they're the only vegetarian present), that's what they do; if it means that they make a substitution for what everyone is doing (like a sparking juice instead of champagne if they can't drink alcohol), that's what they do."
"Your brother and SIL are being ridiculously self-centered. NTA." ~ wesmorgan1
But some saw a different side based on the comments the OP left.
"YTA for not even considering a change that offers a fondue option that everyone can enjoy together." ~ Lcdmt3
"Isn't a holiday tradition supposed to bring the family together, not exclude people? Why not just make a broth fondue with some veggies, fish, or chicken so she can be included, but not be sick later? Curious how no one considered this option."
"YTA for caring more about a tradition than your family members and for not trying to include her. She's family, and that's the whole point of the holidays and traditions. I imagine you'd feel very differently if it were you, your husband, or kid, not your SIL, being excluded." ~ JellyfishSure1360
"It's a huge difference to have everyone eating one item and then have a totally different meal prepared just for one person. It's one type of accommodation, but I don't blame SIL for not feeling like dealing with it for several years in a row."
"I'm a vegetarian, and being included to me involves at least some of the communal dishes being something I can eat. It's not that hard." ~ snarkitall
"You're basically just saying 'I refuse to have any non-fatty food for everybody on Christmas, we all have to stuff our faces until we're unwell, and this woman just has to watch it while she eats something completely different'."
"You say traditions are important to your kids, but when I was younger, if my parents had purposefully made a family member feel excluded by purposefully making sure that every single other person was only eating food they couldn't eat, I would have taken the message that you intend to convey from that: that this woman is not actually a part of the family." ~ haleorshine
"It's very confusing that the simplest solution—expand the menu to include something SIL can eat WITH everyone else—isn't being considered." ~ uptownbrowngirl
"You can do meat fondue with broth instead of oil, making it less fatty/greasy. My friend does this at home and I've had it at her parent's house. Just get another set and have one oil and one broth."
"It's a nice change and makes a great soup after. Boil some noodles and serve them with it. Then it's the same thing, just no fat."
"Or get a table grill and nice fish or a Chinese hot pot. It's not that expensive and can be used again and again and she would be included in the fun." ~ VirtualMatter2
"I honestly don't think it's so much as everyone eat the same, but everyone leaves her out and talks and have fun around the fondue pot and she can't join in. That's why I agree with others who say to offer another pot so she can be there with everyone too."
"Several people in my LARGE family have celiac disease and we would never make them eat something off to the side by themselves while we all have fun around a singular area separately and exclude them from the conversation."
"That is what happened last year right? She was off sitting by herself to eat? How would you have felt in that situation?"
"I think she's feeling left out because everyone else is gathered around the fondue pot and she's on the outside with no one talking to her."
"I don't understand why it would be so hard to get another fondue pot. Hell even maybe a few more so you can have several different options for the ones who have celiac too or prefer less fatty options."
"When family has health problems, you work around it by offering a way for them to be included as well. You don't just stick to your guns because you wanna be right." ~ spagtscully
"OP seems a little 'this is how we've always done it so this is how WE WILL ALWAYS do it.' Adapt a little maybe? Traditions can grow."
"Brother is unreasonable for saying you all eat the same or they don't come. Again, unreasonably stuck on the tradition of all eating the same dish."
"You both need to grow up past your 'set in stone' tradition. ESH." ~ Cerridwen1981
"I don't see why you can't have more than one pot. I host Thanksgiving every year. We now have a few vegetarians in the family."
"I have a turkey for the omnivores, and always a vegetarian main or 2, along with sides. I make 2 dishes of stuffing/dressing, one with sausage, one without. I make turkey gravy and one using vegetable broth for the vegetarians."
"It's really not difficult to accommodate everyone while maintaining traditions." ~ According-Paint6981
"I'm curious what OP would do if one of their kids became a vegetarian or developed a food intolerance. Would they also be excluded from Christmas in favour of 'tradition'?"
"If not, it seems like they're just trying to find ways to exclude family members they're maybe not as close to." ~ librarygirl21
While some thought having the sister-in-law eat a separate meal from everyone else was no big deal, others didn't understand why the only fondue options were greasy and fatty.
OP has a few months to figure out if they want to include their brother and his wife—by expanding everyone's options—or not.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp