Relationships are all about compromise, especially in marriages, if the couple really wants the partnership to last.
But sometimes people forget that “compromise” can mean literally meeting in the middle, to make both people comfortable, or to “allow” their partner to do something that would make them really happy, even if it makes them uncomfortable in some way.
Both of those actions count as compromise, the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit could agree.
While Redditor No-Development4151 and his wife already had a history of getting tattoos, and while he liked the design of his wife’s next tattoo, he was not comfortable with the placement she wanted.
But when she pointed out that it was her body, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure how to look beyond the placement of the tattoo to honor her happiness.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for hating where my wife is going to get a tattoo?”
The OP was worried about the next tattoo that his wife wanted to get.
“My wife (28 Female) and I (34 Male) have been married for three years. I love her to death and she is the best thing in my life.”
“However, she wants to get a tattoo. She already has four (on her hip, bicep, shoulder, and side boob), and I have no problem with them. I have two tattoos myself.”
“This proposed tattoo, though, is causing problems.”
It wasn’t the tattoo itself that was the problem, but rather, the placement.
“She wants to get a fairly large floral design with a hummingbird on her chest.”
“It would be from just under her collarbone and down to between her boobs. It would be visible in nearly every shirt she’d wear.”
“I’m begging her to reconsider where it goes. I like the design, but I find chest tattoos unattractive. I don’t like the location of where she wants to get it.”
It seemed the couple could not reach a compromise, and the OP wasn’t sure what to do.
“This has caused a few arguments with her calling me an a**hole. She keeps pointing out that it is her body and I shouldn’t be controlling her.”
“I don’t have an issue with the tattoo itself, I have an issue with where she wants it.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that marriage is about compromise and empathy.
“NTA. Yes, it is her body, but marriage is a compromise. You told her how you feel. Did you suggest a different place? Make sure you are telling her your feelings and not just being a prick.” – lbrlokie7
“She knows that you find tattoos in this area to be unattractive, yet she is upset that you don’t support her idea to get a large tattoo on a place you have previously told her you find unattractive. She’s annoyed that you are upset that she is actively making a choice that you’ve told her would upset you.”
“Her body, her choice. It IS her choice. People calling you the AH seem to think that once you invoke this saying that everything should just be cool.”
“It doesn’t work that way. You can’t turn off your turn-offs. She is going to have to deal with you being upset by this if she chooses to get it. Her body, her choice, AND her consequences.”
“Every action has a consequence. She is choosing to do something that will upset you, so she has to live with you being upset. She can’t expect your support when she knows it is something you don’t like.”
“NTA for having personal preferences.” – stickylarue
“Attraction is a crucial aspect of any relationship. Sure, my partner is entitled to gain weight, get facial piercings, or a massive chest tattoo, but I’m also entitled not to be attracted to those changes.”
“Especially in the tattoo, which is absolutely the person’s choice to get (where gaining weight may not be). If I marry a [guy] with no tattoo, and he chooses to get a tattoo, he knows I’ll find unattractive; then I can also choose to un-marry him. OP is NTA.” – the_hippocratic_oaf
“I would divorce my wife if she got a tattoo like this. Straight up, I think that s**t is trashy and unattractive. I know I will get downvoted because these are in fashion these days, but that is my personal taste.”
“And while I love my wife deeply, I can’t say, ‘I’m going to get a face tattoo,’ and expect that she’ll just be okay with it, even after I say, ‘It’s my face, I can do with it what I want.’ This isn’t about controlling your partner’s body, it’s about mutual respect and considering their needs and preferences as well.”
“A marriage is all about that in every aspect. If it’s not, your relationship isn’t really a marriage. It’s long-term dating with tax benefits.”
“I’m not like an old school. Only my family values are real family values person. You both like that stuff? Go for it. You both want to open your relationship? I hope you have the best time f**king. You both don’t want kids? May your uterus/prostate be drier than the Sahara.”
“And before y’all hop in here and be like, ‘That’s not the same!’ f**k yes, it is. Intimacy and attraction require both parties to be invested in each other’s appearance the same way those other things require both parties to be invested in the endeavor.”
“OP, NTA. She might still do it, but you’re not being problematic by being firm and clear on your perspective.” – seriouslydontcomment
“You are free to end the relationship.”
“She can have anything that she wants tattooed on any place however, you are under no obligation to like it.”
“The pro-tattoo lobby will try to make you feel bad about having boundaries where those boundaries are on her body, but the plain fact is that your relationship is at least partly based on attraction. If she does something that makes herself less attractive to you and does so in the full knowledge that it’s a problem to you, then she has chosen the tattoo over you.”
“If she chooses a tattoo over you, then you get to decide how you wish to react.”
“(I really don’t like the chest tattoos, either, and it would definitely damage any relationship I was in if my partner got one knowing that I wouldn’t like it.)”
“NTA.” – NotTrynaMakeWaves
But others agreed with the OP’s wife and challenged the OP to respect her wishes.
“OP is fair to respectfully share how he feels (NTA), but then he has to also respect how she feels and respect that how she feels takes precedent in this scenario (YTA).” – Successful-Aide-4389
“NTA for expressing your opinion. YTA for not letting it go once she made it clear that while she’s heard your opinion, she’s not going to alter the location on her body to suit you.” – GothPenguin
“YTA. You are allowed to give your opinion, and she’s allowed to not agree with your opinion. Her body, her choice. End of story.”
“To be extra clear: you are entitled to hate her tattoo. You are not entitled to constantly bring it up and try to pressure her not to get it.”
“Also, OP never talked about divorce. If he divorces her over her appearance, either his ‘uncontrollable attraction’ was purely superficial, or it’s not about the tattoo. Regardless, OP is entitled to divorce her for whatever d**n petty or non-petty reason he wants to. He could divorce her because she loads the dishwasher wrong and that’s his right, at the end of the day. He has the right to choose who he stays married to.”
“What I’ve judged him on is whether he’s TA for repeatedly fighting and pressuring his wife to have an appearance he personally finds attractive, against her right to bodily autonomy. He’s the AH for that. And yes, she’d be the AH if the shoe was on the other foot. It takes a really special kind of id**t to say, ‘Men don’t have the right to choose about their own bodies.'”
“Is it a kind thing to do for her to forego the tattoo, given his opinion? Yes. Is she TA for wanting to get a tattoo despite his opinion? No.” – mencryforme5
“I mean, you can, of course, have an opinion on it. The reality is you don’t have to like the location she picks. But YTA for thinking that opinion trumps her wants for her body if you are trying to prevent her from getting it/getting it there.” – Fairmount1955
“You keep saying, ‘She knows this,’ and it sounds like you really mean that you believe your level of attraction should be the most important piece of data she’ll consider in her decision and that your preferences should dictate her choices regarding her body. Not her preferences or desires, not what she considers attractive, but just what you want and like above all else.”
“If that’s really what you believe, why have a wife when you could have a sex doll and dress/tattoo it however you like? If you really love her, then why would you throw such a fit about one thing you find unattractive? It sounds like you don’t love her as much as you claim, if your love is so shallow one unattractive tattoo will kill it.”
“YTA big time.” – Huntress_of_the_Moon
“YTA.”
“The comments here that talk about how ‘they’re married, and if he isn’t attracted to her, that could end their marriage,’ are WILD to me, because the argument they’re having in the first place would end mine.”
“If my marriage was fragile enough for my looks to ruin it, that doesn’t say much for death and disability and growing old. If my husband thought his opinion of my body mattered just as much as mine did, that doesn’t say much for unconditional love and support of my autonomy as a human being.”
“Also, I have a large chest tattoo like OP is describing, and my husband is not heavily tattooed, and I’m the breadwinner in our house, so the career concerns really are not the issue many of you think they are.” – FrontAd3422
The subReddit was about as divided over this issue as the couple appeared to be, and for the exact same reasons.
Some cited that it was the wife’s body and, therefore, her choice, no matter what her husband had to say about it, not to mention the fact that the marital bond should go deeper than physical attraction.
But others pointed out that, because this was a marriage, both people should consider how their partner feels, and that includes a potentially attraction-altering tattoo.