One likes to think that modern society has moved past antiquated gender roles.
That the idea of the husband going out to work to provide for the family, while the wife stays home to do all the cooking and cleaning are very much a thing of the past.
But even in our seemingly modern, progressive world, there are still people. who have dated expectations of how a household should be run, including the husband of Redditor throwaway2204729.
Shocked and hurt by her husband’s behavior, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), asking fellow Redditors:
“AITA for getting upset with my husband after he told me nothing will change while I am pregnant?”
The OP first revealed that she believed she and her husband were in a fairy idyllic marriage, which was about to become even more wonderful.
“So me (26 f[emale]) and my husband (28 m[ale]), who I’ll call ‘Jake’ for this story, have been together for 5 years and married for 3.”
“We have recently started trying for a baby as we both felt like that was the next step in our life together, and 3 weeks ago I got a positive test back.”
“We were really really happy and told our families, and now my mom and MIL want to throw a big baby shower for us, it was just super good news all around.”
However, the celebratory feeling in the OP’s household rather quickly subsided, after her husband made a surprising declaration.
“Well two nights ago me and Jake were getting ready for bed when he reminds me to go through the house and make sure all the lights are off.”
“Now he can be a little lazy at times, and it has become a nightly routine for me to make sure all the lights are off that he leaves on before we go to bed.”
“I wasn’t feeling very well and asked if he could just do it since he wasn’t doing anything and was literally standing by the door.”
“He then tells me ‘No, this is what is expected of you every night.’
“I was a little hurt but I didn’t want to fight with him so I just did it.”
“When I came back Jake goes on this very long and unprovoked rant saying things like ‘Just because you are pregnant does not mean anything will change’ and ‘You are still expected to cook, clean, and do all the chores every day because how can you be expected to be a mother if you can’t handle a little work’.”
“He wasn’t yelling or anything, he was talking to me quietly like a was 2 inches tall.”
“I was shocked because I had never heard him say anything like this.”
“The rant went on for about 30 minutes before I interjected and asked ‘Well what do you plan on doing to help me with all of this?'”
“He then got extremely defensive saying he works his a** of at his job to provide for me and what is going to be our future children.”
“(For context I don’t work at the moment, my job was not paying enough to justify me going so I am a full time college student).”
“He ended by saying that it doesn’t matter how I feel physically or mentally, it is a mothers job to push through, and if he helped and babied me I wouldn’t be a good mother.”
But it wasn’t only the OP’s feelings that were hurt by the end of the night.
“I got extremely upset and started yelling and I said that ‘I wish I would’ve known this is how you felt before I got pregnant with your baby.'”
“There was a moment of silence before he started crying and he left for the night to stay at his mothers house.”
“He hasn’t been back yet and my mother-in-law (MIL) and sister-in-law (SIL) have called me berating me and saying I broke Jake’s heart with what I said and I need to apologize immediately, and until I do he isn’t coming home.”
“I don’t know how to feel.”
“So AITA for yelling at my husband after he said he isn’t helping me with anything during the pregnancy because ‘its a mothers job to deal with it’?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
It was abundantly clear to the Reddit community that the OP was not at all the a**hole in this very unfortunate situation.
Just about everyone was appalled by the behavior of the OP’s husband, with many pointing out that he wasn’t even getting angry about the general cleanliness of the house, but over extremely menial tasks, which he appeared to be too lazy to do.
“One thing that stands out is we aren’t even talking about general housekeeping here.”
“It’s doing crap for a grown man he a should be doing himself (as it sounds like it’s the lights he turned on himself.)”
“Even if one believes in an arrangement where the woman has the general upkeep of the house and child rearing duties and the man is the breadwinner that doesn’t mean she follows him around turning lights on and off for him.”-Kris82868.
“Does your husband think this is the 1950s?”
“What’s his favorite show? “
“Look I’m a dude and I would be embarrassed listening to another guy talk like this.”
“It’s your job to push through? Seriously?”
“Boy talk about huge red flags!”
“You better address this NOW, cuz if he gets away with this now, it’s gonna get a lot worse.”
“Wow lady, your husband is a grade A misogynistic a**hole.”-DarthLemtru.
“But he has shown you who he is.”
“It’s now up to you as to how you want to deal with that.”-rangerman2002.
Other’s felt that the behavior of the OP’s husband bordered on abusive, and that, even carrying his child, she should even reconsider if she should remain in her marriage.
“Pregnancy is one of the most dangerous times in a woman’s life.”
“Abusers tend to ramp up when they feel like you’re stuck.”
“NTA, get out before you and your baby are both trapped with this man.”-Minimum_Reference_73.
“And the fact the MIL and SIL are backing him up says that’s the way he was raised.”
“I wish you a healthy pregnancy and good luck on the job search because you need your own income in your own account to get away from him.”-jnnmommy.
“You’re in an abusive relationship.”
“He’s wrong, things will change— for the worse.”
“Men are often more abusive during a women’s pregnancy because they can’t control the pregnancy itself.”
“NTA, but you need to run.”-Informal_Finding9165.
“Seek help now.”
“Leave the house and get backup from family.”
“This guy will financially abuse you and tell you it’s your fault for being home not working.”
“He won’t provide any assistance with the baby and sounds like a dude who will cheat and blame you for not wanting sex enough.”
“NTA and it looks like you hitched your wagon to an abuser.”
“He finally escalated once he trapped you with a baby and no money.”
“The only decision is what are you going to do and how long will you stay and be abused.”-bluepvtstorm.
“I would seriously reconsider this relationship and baby.”
“He is telling you now that he won’t ever help you and that he’ll berate you for having human needs.”
“That’s not even a good relationship without pregnancy and a kid.”-arsenal_kate.
“NTA-Please know that this will not get any better if he keeps running to Mommy and refuses to talk about this.”
“You may want to weigh your options now and make some decisions about the future.”-LiberryPrincess.
“Hey your husband is controlling and abusive! I’d be seriously rethinking the pregnancy and the marriage.”
“It will only get worse when the kid is born, especially with the approval of his echo-chamber, mom and sis.”-bremarie03.
NTA Even stay at home mom parents need help.”
“Marriage and parenting are rarely 50/50 in a healthy relationship.”
“Sometimes you need help, sometimes your hubby will need help.”
“If he isn’t willing to help you, but expects you to always help him, start making plans for your exit.”-kjbtetrick.
The OP eventually gave an update on her situation, while also thanking her fellow Redditors for their input.
“First I want to thank you all for your responses.”
“I’m sorry I haven’t really responded to anyone specifically but I really do appreciate you guys.”
“A few of you asked if I told my MIL and SIL what he said, which I did.”
“They basically said I was being sensitive and all he meant was pregnancy isn’t an excuse to be lazy, he meant no harm. ……ok.”
“I am getting some things together and am going to be headed to my mom and dad’s house.”
“My mom is furious with him and doesn’t want me apologizing to him or talking to him without the situation either being recorded or having a witness.”
“Regardless, I am ok and will be ok.”
“I do appreciate all of you though, you have opened my eyes to many things I may have been ignoring or looking past over the years.”
Here’s hoping that the OP is able to find all the help and comfort she needs, and that there is a bright future ahead for her and her child.