Though not every relationship is destined to work out, some past relationships have a way of staying with us.
It's easy for us to revel in the memory of them, wondering how things might have worked out if we were more mature at the time or lived somewhere different, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Purple_Lilies knew how serious her husband's past relationship had been almost a decade earlier but was still surprised when his ex-girlfriend made a kind gesture to them while they were on their babymoon.
But when her husband couldn't stop thinking about his ex after that, the Original Poster (OP) became worried, and it felt like their babymoon was over.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not wanting a hotel upgrade from my husband's ex-girlfriend?"
The OP and her husband recently had a special opportunity on their babymoon.
"I 35 (Female) and my Husband 36 (Male) have been married for five years and together for eight years. We will be having our first baby in three months and have decided to take a Babymoon to a Resort Spa in Florida."
"We booked a basic room under my husband's name. Upon check-in, the attendant said that we had been upgraded to the Presidental Suite with full concierge service and comp Spa treatments."
"We thought this was very strange. The Attendant assured us that we would only be charged our original rate."
"We asked who did it so we could thank them, thinking it was a family member or a close friend."
"The Attendant said sometimes it happens for special occasions. On the reservation, it asked the reason for the visit and we said we were having a baby. We were still a bit skeptical but accepted the answer."
But the couple still really wanted to know who was behind the gesture.
"The next day as we came back from the beach, there was a different Attendant. We went over to just double-check about our room."
"She confirmed what the previous one said about the rate. I asked if this happened often and she said, 'No. They might get a free meal or one special spa service, but nothing like you all have.'"
"When we inquired about how we got this opportunity, she stated that this can only be approved by the Senior General Manager and said the name of my husband's ex-girlfriend."
"We were both shocked as he had not spoken to her in like nine years. They had a very intense relationship and I know he loved her in a very special way but distance ended it, otherwise they would still be together."
"(Some backstory: We live in Arizona, and she at that time was in North Carolina. She wasn't working at hotels when they were together. His name is not common, and he has the same cell number. I chose the hotel, and he made the reservation. We both have Instagram, but the pages are private and we haven't posted about the baby or trip.)"
The OP was surprised by her husband's reaction to the gesture.
"My husband was visibly thrown by hearing her name and was distracted the rest of the day. I guess I knew he loved her, but seeing his reaction to this gesture had me worried."
"The next day, he apologized and said that he was moved by what she did and was just wondering about how her life is now and if she is happy."
"I told him I wanted to switch back to the room we booked if he was going to be thinking of her the whole time."
"He said he wasn't and wanted me to enjoy this gift despite how we got it."
The couple argued about whether or not to stay in the room.
"I explained that I was no longer comfortable since this was supposed to be about us and our new baby, and now it was about her."
"He felt I was being unreasonable and switching rooms wasn't going to change anything."
"I insisted, and we got them to change it back."
"Later, I told my mom, sister, and friends. They all thought I overreacted and should have stayed in the room."
"At first, I thought I did the right thing, but now I am not so sure."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some called the OP out for being petty and jealous instead of grateful.
"YTA, it is a nice gesture. It'd be one thing to be uncomfortable if they broke up immediately before you got pregnant, but it ended ten years ago."
"He was also open and said he was moved and wondering how she is doing (which, alright, I wouldn't love that either, but still). This reads more as insecurity versus anything untoward from ex to hubby." - MidwestPanic69
"YTA. His ex did a nice thing for the two of you. There was no expectation of getting anything at all, just well wishes. You were the one who made it about the ex, no one else thought that." - kol_al
"YTA. That's an amazing anonymous gift to receive and if you didn't know who gave it to you, would you still have accepted it? Your husband's ex sounds like a class act. She didn't cancel your room or give you a crappy room. She didn't even acknowledge it was her behind the upgrade."
"Get over your jealousy and accept that it was a nice thing. Your husband was super touched and it's not surprising he was curious how she's doing." - CaffeinatedMum
"I have a couple of ex-boyfriends I think about fondly and wish well. That doesn't mean I want to get back together or have anything to do with them. But if I ran into them, I would be smiling and ask how they and their family are, where their life has taken them, and then I'd wish them well and be on my way. Isn't that why there are school reunions, to catch up with friends from the past?"
"YTA, OP. There's nothing wrong with a distant ex remembering someone when they see their name on a guest list and doing something nice for them AND their spouse." - Dry_Promotion6661
"You could have stayed in the room and made um... a heck of a lot of new fun memories with your man, OP."
"It sounds like a nice gesture on her part. She saw a name on the list and went, 'Hey, I used to know someone with that name, Let lemme give them a free upgrade for old times' sake.' End of story."
"YTA, unfortunately, here. But I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well. He's yours, no need to worry about things like this too much." - Rohini_rambles
"YTA. Oh, the horror."
"The manager sees the name of the dude she was with who is now having a baby! 'Oh, good for him! Y'know what, I'll treat him and his partner to the best we can give.'"
"You: Oh, this evil woman and my cheater husband! I don't want the best; I want to go back to the smaller room!'" - issy_heatin
"Imagine being such a miserable creature that you can't even enjoy a nice thing someone (anonymously at that) did for you... Yikes. What a sad life she must lead."
"I hope I will never be like OP! I would be embarrassed by myself if I ever did such a childish and s**tty thing like the OP did with the interrogations and the refusal of the room after they already accepted it."
"YTA, OP would never even know it was his ex-girlfriend if they stopped pushing the matter after the staff confirmed that they wouldn't charge them more. They (mostly OP, ~85-90%) ruined their own vacation." - Cute-Shine-1701
But others understood where the OP was coming from and agreed they'd be uncomfortable.
"I have that ex that I 'loved in a very special way,' and it's been many years now since we broke up, but I still sort of wonder what would've happened between us if circumstances had been different and we hadn't been so young."
"If I were the hotel manager and saw my ex was staying there with his pregnant wife, it would feel wildly inappropriate to me to give them a super grand, special upgrade. It would feel like I was inserting myself into their lives, and I'd actually expect he'd be pretty thrown if he found out it was me, which seems relatively likely to happen even if she asked it to be anonymous since an upgrade to the presidential suite is really unusual."
"And to create a risk that the pregnant wife is suddenly thinking about this ex the whole trip?"
"Maybe OP didn't handle this perfectly, but I'd say NTA because I think it's kinda weird the ex did this." - Beginning-Concept579
"NTA and neither is his ex. She obviously made a kind gesture and wanted to stay discreet."
"You were uncomfortable, and it's understandable. Who wants their partner to be distracted by their ex for an entire day? He couldn't put himself together to focus on your family during your baby moon, and he exacerbated your discomfort by doing so. And then dismissed your feelings about it."
"To me, he's the insensitive AH of the situation." - Timely_Proposal_1821
"NTA and I don't know how you made it about the ex when he spent a day thinking about her and was distant to you while on your freaking babymoon."
"Of COURSE that is going to make you feel uncomfortable, especially when you are six months pregnant and probably aren't feel the most confident in yourself." - Hot_Yellow1741
"Giving this the benefit of the doubt, let's say she did this as a nice gesture since if you hadn't pushed, you wouldn't have found out it was a gift from her. If your husband's reaction had been, 'Oh wow, that is nice of her, I hope she is doing good,' end of discussion, then yes you overreacted."
"However since he basically had a complete mood swing the whole day, it would make me upset with my husband, not his ex. If he still has feelings for his ex, he has no business having a baby with someone else. It is not fair to you if he is making you his second choice. Just my opinion, I would be extremely hurt." - lt_ap
"NTA. I think all these people are forgetting that this trip is because YOU are pregnant and YOU are having a baby soon. That comes with a lot of emotional hormones."
"So if not accepting the gift makes you more comfortable during your stay, you should do it. Especially if your husband's reaction to it was off-putting."
"He shouldn't be distant and thinking about his ex ALL day on a trip that is meant to celebrate your upcoming family, and it would make me feel bad/insecure, too. I know I sure wouldn't want any gifts from my ex's or my partner's ex's." - HavensHome
Whether or not the OP overreacted, it was clear she was right about her husband thinking about his ex-girlfriend more than the babymoon vacation they were supposed to be on.
It seemed like there was an important conversation in the couple's future because if her husband was holding onto some kind of hope or undying love, that could really impact their future baby's life and relationship with their dad.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.