Content Warning: Open Relationships, Emotional Affairs, Cheating
For a lot of couples, the longer their relationship goes on, the more predictable it may become, leading the couple to try out some new things to keep their situation from becoming boring.
But generally, when a couple decides to open their relationship, it’s often for the wrong reasons, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor KindImagination726 was reluctant to open his marriage when his wife suggested it, because he believed in monogamy and emotional connections before sex.
But when he found someone who treated him far better than his wife, the Original Poster (OP) realized the open relationship might not be the problem, but the marriage itself.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for finding someone else when my wife opened our relationship?”
The OP was reluctant to enter the open relationship his wife had suggested.
“I (29 Male) and my wife (30 Female) have been together for seven years and married for four.”
“Last year, she came up with the idea of an open relationship to try out new things.”
“I said it was not something I was comfortable with and that I would like to stay monogamous.”
“It felt weird because it came out of nowhere. We were doing good and planning to build a family together.”
When the OP finally agreed, his wife set some ground rules for the open relationship.
“After my reply, she insisted a lot. In the end, I decided to give it a try.”
“Here are the boundaries she set:”
“1. You should always prioritize the spouse instead of the other partner.”
“2. Always use protection.”
“3. Do not bring the partner to the shared house.”
“4. Do not form overly emotional connections.”
“I told her I was not sure if I could do some of these things. I am an emotional person, though I love the physical part, too.”
“She said it that it was okay, and that I would be able to do it because it’s hard for men to form emotional relationships in such cases anyways.”
The OP was surprised by how quickly he could find someone else he liked.
“She found a partner quickly and easily.”
“My wife was my first relationship partner, so I was not confident in myself. I did not have great chances when I was in my 20s.”
“Eventually, after clearing out most of my work, I decided to try finding a partner in my spare time.”
“Surprisingly, I was flocked with interest from younger or around my age women. I knew maturing and aging did a great job for me but not to this extent.”
“I started talking to multiple people but decided to go ahead with only one of them.”
“When I shared this information with my wife, she seemed surprised but congratulated me. She said she was shocked by how beautiful this woman was and that I was able to get her.”
The OP ended up finding much more fulfillment in his relationship than in his marriage.
“It has been 10 months since finding a partner, but the more I got to know them and spent time with them, we formed an emotional connection together.”
“This woman is aware of my situation and respects my boundaries.”
“I realized I lost emotional and physical connection with my wife over time.”
“I know one of the boundaries was about emotional connections and prioritizing the spouse, but I told her from the beginning I was not sure if I could comply with some of these.”
The OP’s wife lashed out at him for how his experience was going.
“I had a difficult talk with my wife last week about my situation.”
“She immediately offered to close the relationship and to go to couples counseling, but I am not interested, to be honest.”
“She feels no different than a friend to me now, and I am afraid I built resentment for her due to the open relationship situation.”
“I told her it would just extend the misery for me and I would like to have a divorce.”
“She flipped and cried, saying I was throwing everything away just for a fling.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his wife was the one to blame.
“How much you wanna bet that partner she ‘found’ quickly was lined up already? Given she suggested that new arrangement out of nowhere and then conveniently ‘insisted a lot’ until he gave in,100% that other dude was already around in some way.” – SamaireB
“She’s discovering the consequences of falling for the toxic bulls**t that ‘men don’t really form emotional connections.'”
“Like literally, the man she claims to love is standing in front of her, telling her he would find it difficult to form a sexual relationship without there being an emotional connection, and she’s just dismissing his lived experience like, ‘nah!’” – MichaSound
“NTA. Your wife took a huge risk opening up the marriage, and you were honest with her about your emotional connection personality. She is facing the consequences of her actions, in my opinion.” – Sour_Patch_Cats
“NTA. I honestly don’t understand the reasoning behind these ‘pacts.'”
“I’ve always believed that the initiate is just looking for something else but hasn’t the courage to fully let go of what’s in front of them. It’s not fair to anyone to be in that sort of situation, and to put someone in that situation, in my opinion, just means you have zero regard for the other person’s feelings.”
“Better off without that one, OP.”
“Good luck with your future.” – kizzgizz
“She found a partner quickly because she already had someone in mind. Just get a divorce, the open relationship was forced upon you and you’ve now lost all feelings for your wife. Why prolong the inevitable?” – neanderbeast
“She wanted this specifically to test drive OP’s replacement. She had that guy all teed up. Guessing all this was about that guy.”
“Then the script got flipped… oops! This whole exercise was done to facilitate her cheating and possible monkey branch.”
“Divorce her, OP.” – TouristImpressive838
“Even if you didn’t realize, your feelings for your wife started fading the minute she asked to open the relationship. Now you found someone better, and who you have stronger feelings for.”
“When you get divorced, make sure you let her know this happened because of her insistence to open your marriage. Hope the other guy was worth it.” – nick4424
Others were disgruntled by how the OP’s wife had clearly taken advantage of him.
“I found it particularly insulting of the wife that, when he found a very attractive woman, she said she was surprised he got someone that attractive.”
“It sounds like she thinks little of her husband as a person or a man.”
“She just likes the security of being married, but clearly wanted excitement at the same time.” – bmyst70
“The wife was both surprised that OP found someone, and then surprised again at how beautiful the woman was.”
“I don’t think his wife ever expected OP to do anything with the open part of their relationship, and she definitely didn’t seem to have considered how she would feel about it if he did have a partner, even if the boundaries on the arrangement hadn’t slipped.”
“OP, NTA. You didn’t ‘throw everything away for a fling’ that sounds like a projection on your wife’s behalf, who seemed to have someone lined up very quickly.” – Thanmandrathor
“I just came to say how rude of her to say she was shocked you were able to get your new lady. What a jealous beach. Glad you made an upgrade. Your ex may be more careful about what she wishes for next time.” – Weezy_Baby_
“NTA. This is usually what happens! Wife didn’t think you would find someone, and she is out having fun, now that you are, she wants to close it.”
“Truthfully, your marriage was over when she opened it.” – SnooWords4839
“When people suggest opening a relationship out of the blue, usually means they have already cheated and now need a loophole to cover up what they have done.”
“It’s obvious you are not made for this lifestyle and your wife has realized she is happy to cheat but not happy for you to find someone else. But she should have considered the fact MUCH sooner that an open relationship is a two-way street. NTA.” – rebootsaresuchapain
“You’re monogamous. You can only become emotionally and romantically interested in one person at a time.”
“By opening the relationship, she made it so that you could form this connection with something else, therefore diminishing the connection with her.”
“NTA.”
“You haven’t done anything wrong. She shouldn’t have forced the open relationship when you told her you wanted to stay monogamous. She has brought it upon herself.”
“Hopefully, you can have a stress-free breakup and enjoy your future with your new partner.” – FemalePheromones
“She 100% already had a guy lined up and was either already cheating or planned on it. Then she decided to do everything to get an open marriage so she could f**k this dude without all the guilt and then go back to the OP when the other guy got bored with her. But it didn’t play out how she wanted.”
“She expected the OP to just sit back and not find anyone since obviously, he wanted to stay monogamous, but he searched and found someone pretty quickly.”
“Now he’s about to have a nice wife that loves him and only him, not some fling, and it basically guarantees an open relationship won’t be a thing with his new girl.” – NoddingRN
If “f**ked around and found out” could be embodied in a story, the subReddit agreed this absolutely had to be it.
Because of the OP’s future ex-wife’s insistence on the open marriage, it was clear there was someone she was already interested in pursuing, but without the guilt and repercussions of cheating.
But when she expected her husband to stay monogamous for her and even underestimated how nice of a woman he could “get,” it was clear that she had been taking advantage of him for a long time, and opening the relationship was only the beginning of the end.