In present-day dating, it’s often suggested to live with someone before marrying them.
Otherwise, there might be some dealbreakers lurking in the corners and closets of the house, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Alarmed_Translator75 purchased a house and moved in with his newly married wife after never living with her before that.
When he noticed how she approached bathroom etiquette, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to do next.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for putting an outside lock on my bathroom to prevent my wife from using it?”
The OP and his wife had His and Hers bathrooms in their home.
“My wife (25 Female) and I (31 Male) bought a house together about six months ago. This is our first time living together.”
“Our house is an old American house that has been reformed many times. As a consequence of this, it has a silly layout where there are two bathrooms right next to each other that share the same wall.”
“When we pulled the trigger on buying it, we made an agreement that I’d take the bathroom on the left with the shower, and she’d take the bathroom on the right with a bathtub. Hers is much more spacious than mine.”
The OP’s wife started to make a surprising choice in their home.
“I soon learned, though, that my wife preferred to use my bathroom, but only to defecate.”
“She’ll go pee or take a bath or do her makeup in her bathroom, but when the time comes to have a bowel movement, she only wants to use my toilet.”
“I usually wouldn’t mind this, but the issue is that she sits very far forward on the seat, which leaves streaks in the bowl virtually every time she goes.”
The OP tried to negotiate with his wife but to no avail.
“I first tried approaching this civilly by asking why she used my bathroom.”
“She gave me a vague answer about preferring it.”
“Then I asked if she could at least sit back a bit more.”
“She said it was none of my concern how she sat on the toilet.”
“I offered to change bathrooms with her, to which she said no thanks.”
“Then I asked her to stop using it, and she said it was her house, too, so she should be allowed to go wherever she wants.”
The OP decided to take a different approach.
“I’m honestly tired of opening the toilet lid to see her stool stuck to the bowl.”
“The day before yesterday, I installed a lock on the door that I could open with a key.”
“At first, she didn’t seem to take the hint. She asked me for a key to the bathroom, to which I said no.”
“Then she started to panic (as she really had to go) and asked me again and again to open it.”
“I told her that she has a perfectly good toilet in her bathroom.”
“She finally relented but came out of the bathroom extremely upset with me.”
“She’s been ticked off and demanding that I remove the lock since. Was I out of line here?”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they would have locked the bathroom, too.
“NTA.”
“She is obviously using your bathroom to sh*t in because she doesn’t want the mess and smell in her bathroom. You’ve talked with her about it, and she won’t be reasonable. So, sure, put a lock on the outside.”
“I don’t get why you guys have your own bathrooms, but whatever.”
“That being said, this doesn’t sound like it’s going to be a good marriage if you can’t even work out s**tting arrangements.” – AShatteredKing
“What the f**k. Why is she being weird and gross? Tell her to clean up after herself. NTA.” – bendytoepilot
“My dude, I was all set to ream you a new one, based on your title. But your wife is just rude and disrespectful… and gross.”
“Lock away! And tell her to scrub her own skid marks out of her own toilet or not… it’s literally her own s**t show that you’re not interested in attending.”
“NTA!” – Banana4skail
“NTA. Even though you are acting a little bit like an AH, I think she is putting you in the position of having to do so with her bizarre behavior.”
“It’s really inconsiderate to leave poop streaks in the toilet one is sharing with someone else. If she wants to use your designated toilet, she should leave it in the same condition as she found it.”
“Also, she seems to be acting a little OCD (Obsessive Compulsive) over this, like requiring your toilet, requiring that she can leave streaks, and refusing to clean it. Does she have OCD issues?” – NewFriend836639
“To me, I feel like her using your bathroom is the secondary issue here. Leaving any sort of stain, either streaks of poop or droplets of pee on the seat is disgusting. Tell her to clean up after herself.”
“I’ve had to share a bathroom with my brother growing up, and the number of conversations I’ve had with him until he started paying attention to cleaning the toilet after he’s done is uncountable. I feel like it’s just a social rule to leave a clean toilet behind, but not everyone realizes that and needs to be told.”
“The secondary issue, I feel like she is really selfish to come to your bathroom to s**t because she doesn’t care about making a mess in yours while she wants hers to be in pristine condition.”
“NTA.” – AnnaK22
Others understood the OP’s concern but thought better communication was needed.
“I have to admit, based on the title alone, I was expecting to vote YTA on this one, but no, NTA.”
“However, I do think that when you’re at the point of putting physical locks on things, you need to look at the deeper issues around respect and boundaries in the relationship, though.”
“As in, it doesn’t really sound like your wife has any respect in this situation and just doesn’t want to smell her own poo in her bathroom, but is more than happy for you to. Do with that what you will.” – TurningPagesAU
“YTA for how you handled it. NTA for having an issue with it. It sounds to me like you two are in dire need of better communication.”
“There are many reasons why she may prefer yours to hers for pooping, and not all of them (or even most?) are ill-intentioned. Try talking to her specifically about why she prefers yours. The toilet seat? The toilet height? Any other differences between the toilets and the immediate surrounding space?”
“There could be a really easy fix for her toilet that would stop this.”
“All that said, if she’s using it and leaving it soiled, she should be cleaning it. But putting a lock on the door is passive-aggressive. Or maybe just aggressive.” – einschlauerfuchs
“YTA. This may be an unpopular take, but I can’t wrap my head around this. Just s**t in her toilet and use your shower if you want to keep the toilets ‘even’ or whatever.”
“It’s a marriage to someone you supposedly love, but you won’t allow her to do something as simple as s**t on the toilet she’s comfortable on?”
“I would say if you want to truly get to the heart of her motivations, start using hers for the same purpose.”
“If she asks you why you’re doing that, then complains when you mirror her previous answer to you, she just wants to push off cleaning duties. If she says nothing or just accepts your answer, congratulations. Problem solved.”
“Either way, locking the bathroom is some next-level ridiculousness. Best of luck.” – DeathSpawn64
“Soft YTA. Have you directly addressed her cleaning the toilet?”
“I have mobility and vision issues. Small differences in toilet and counter height or position make standing and sitting very difficult. I personally check the toilet behind me due to being fully aware of my digestion problems, but maybe she doesn’t.”
“I don’t know, if you’ve talked to her directly about it, then nta, but if you avoided the conversation and just changed the locks, it comes off as immature and passive-aggressive.” – irigbt
“YTA. You did absolutely everything, but tell her your not wanting to see her actual sh*t was the reason you didn’t want her using your bathroom.”
“Women aren’t looking at the front of the toilet bowl the same way men are because they just sit down to pee versus raising the lid and staring at the bowl the entire time. It’s quite possible there’s something going on with the way that other toilet flushes sh*t, and she quite literally can’t see the problem with using yours.”
“You have to learn how to communicate more directly about what’s bothering you vs. expecting her to read your mind based on hints.” – GameProtein
The subReddit was thoroughly grossed out by the situation the OP had found himself in.
While some thought that locking the door might be a bit much, they could understand why the OP went there when his wife was unwilling to compromise.
But one thing was clear: If the couple didn’t figure this out, the relationship might not be able to survive these His and Hers bathrooms.