One unfortunate thing that comes with adulthood is bills. When you're young and on your own, things might be difficult, but when you have a family, the stakes are even higher.
A single adult can couch surf when things get tough, but bringing a spouse and children along with them is rarely an option.
A family who is still recovering from financial hardship has some important decisions to make.
While the wife is on one page, her husband is on another.
So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback, asking "Would I Be The A**hole (WIBTA) about her future scenario.
Throwawayairportaita asked:
"WIBTA if I tell my husband he can't leave the job he hates?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband is a tradesman. He's always wanted his own business as he hates having a boss."
"He started doing freelance work over the years and felt like he could go out on his own someday. I'm a teacher, and at the end of 2021, my district asked me to head up an initiative that bumped my pay up (quarterly stipends) without a ton of extra work."
"Around the same time, his company of 8 years got bought over. We decided this would be a good time for him to go out on his own."
"My teaching job provides steady income, I hold our family's insurance (we have 3 kids, oldest is 9), and the stipends provided a little cushion. We also had about 40K in savings."
"Things started out great, but a year later, most of the work in the area dried up. He took contracts out of state to keep working, but didn't make as much because of lodging and food."
"He suggested we buy a camper for him to live in when he was away. I agreed. That came with a hefty monthly payment, but it alleviated some of the cost."
"Then the out-of-state work became fewer and farther between. He was home more making no money at all."
"My husband is a hustler and was constantly putting himself out there, but the cost of supplies went up, so he had to raise prices for his services. This made things worse, and the cycle continued."
"As hard as it was to be home alone with 3 young kids when he travelled, it was worse when he was home. He was miserable."
"A potential contract would cheer him up and then fall through. We went through this for months."
"Midway through 2024, we were simply out of money. We were living off of credit cards."
"He took some seasonal work in the fall, and that's the only reason our home wasn't foreclosed on. He felt like a failure."
"Early December, an old friend called him to ask him if he'd consider working with him. There's a corporate project and they desperately need people with my husband's skill set."
"$61/hour + $1500 sign-on bonus if he started within 10 days. We thought it was too good to be true, but 2 days after Christmas he had a contract in his email."
"He started right after the new year. His first check was like manna from heaven. It's taken 2 months to breathe again even with my pay."
"He's gotten paid 4x & his most recent check was the first time we had money left over after we paid bills. We took the kids to McDonald's to celebrate."
"The problem is he's miserable. It took a week for him to remember why he hates working for other people."
"I watch his light dim more everyday. He is working overtime weekly & I feel bad he has to spends so much time there."
"The other day, he fake-casually mentioned that he heard from a company out of state. 'It's the opportunity I've been waiting for' he says. 'It just came a little late'."
"I love this man, but I don't think I can support this again. We put 40k+ & about 15k in credit card debt into it."
"He was gone for months at a time, and it was HARD here. And we still have a huge monthly payment for that camper we can't sell."
"Would it be cruel to tell him he can't quit?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I wonder if I am being unsupportive/the a**hole by not considering him leaving this job he hates."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/WNBTA).
"Your husband is a grown-up. Sometimes we need to suck it up and work jobs we don't enjoy to support our families."
"As an adult with basic math skills, your husband should be able to look at your finances and figure out for himself that he needs to maintain his current earnings to help your family climb out of debt that the unfortunate failure of his business caused."
"He should also be able to understand the impact on his family of him working away from home for long periods."
"If your husband wants to leave the family and his good-paying job and move back out of state to work, I don't think you can stop him. You're not his mom."
"All you can do, should he make this decision, is have some frank discussions about what you expect and are willing to accept, should he wish you to remain in this marriage."
"It should also be made clear what his financial obligations to the family will be on an ongoing basis, whether or not you remain in the marriage, should he leave again to work elsewhere—one hopes earning the money needed to support his children."
"It isn't cruel to expect an adult man to pull his weight in supporting his children and family. NTA." ~ Nester1953
"'I don't think you can stop him. You're not his mom'. I think I know what you mean, but I'm really starting to hate when people say you can't force an adult to do things..."
"In a literal sense, probably not, unless you put a gun to his head. But this man is a husband. He's a father! 3 Kids!"
"That's 4 pretty big commitments. You don't get to decide everything on your own, once you enter such commitments. He could be single if he decides to get a divorce, but the kids are for life. He needs to grow the hell up and deal with it."
"He can take his time to build his business slowly, or seek alternatives or whatever ... but honestly, it sounds a bit like he's not that good of a businessman, which is no shame. Acquiring clients and deals is hard on top of the actual work." ~ 3KittenInATrenchcoat
"Your husband needs to grow the f*ck up and gain a different perspective. He hates working for other people? Seriously who the f*ck does he think he was working for as a contractor?"
"It ain't himself, that's for sure, other businesses and where I am from anyway, contractors have far less rights than a full time permanent employee."
"The only difference between now and then is who his bosses are... before, it was different people who were unreliable; now, he has a boss who is consistent, who is reliably paying him a paycheck every week and letting him do overtime."
"To me, it just sounds like he is being a baby. He liked 'hustling' for himself because he had excuses to get out of other responsibilities 'Sorry, can't help with the kids, out of state making a dollar' all the while getting to travel around to different locations and see different things in his very own camper."
"In what way would this other job be better? He will be away from his family all week, shouldn't that make him more miserable than having a boss?"
"Every hustler and entrepreneur who I come across who acted like having a BOSS is just about the worst thing in this world, has always been a failure because the reason they want to hustle and entrepreneur is because they think the issue with their lack of success is that they don't get to be responsible for themselves and they don't get to dictate the rules of the game, but it's all bullsh*t."
"The real reason 90% of the time is most of them lack discipline and just don't have the talent to be successful based on the rules of the game laid out before them."
"When they do go on to their own thing, they almost always become miserable when they only have themselves to rely on for being responsible, then get more miserable at their failures of being responsible, and then get more miserable when they realize if they want customers, they're still going to have to kiss a** and play by the rules."
"When they fail, they come back to the real world and somehow make it two weeks before they've completely forgotten how much of an utter failure they were at being out there by themselves and how miserable that made them by comparison."
"If he keeps working this job, over time, he will have to work less overtime as you guys catch up. That will give him a better work/life balance, much better than trying to be a contractor out of state again." ~ Complete_Breakfast_1
"'I hate having a boss' is such immature energy. Yeah, man, no one likes having to trade their labour to live."
"Maybe if you didn't have a spouse and children you'd have a bit more flexibility, but as it stands you made a choice to be responsible for a family and that's what you're going to have to do." ~ lampcouchfireplace
Reddit was pretty clear in their judgment.
This husband and father needs to put his children's welfare first, before his own preferences.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp