Generally speaking, we as a society have outgrown the notion that husbands are meant to go out and earn a living while their wives are meant to stay home and run the household.
A position no one should ever feel any shame or guilt about, as many men and women all over the world are proud stay-at-home spouses.
Of course, being a stay-at-home spouse or parent can tend to grow mundane, resulting in their looking for a life outside of the home.
Which can sometimes complicate getting their agreed-upon duties done.
Redditor Distinct_While_1139 and his wife had come to an agreement that he would be the full-time working parent, while she would stay at home taking care of household chores.
Eventually, the original poster (OP)’s wife discovered a new passion, to which she began to dedicate more and more of her attention, eventually happening at the expense of household chores.
When the OP confronted his wife about this, she did not take his words kindly, leading to a strain in their marriage.
Having doubts about how he handled things, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my wife she doesn’t have a job she has a hobby?”
The OP explained why he felt the need to confront his wife about her new priorities, and how she took what he had to say:
“Ok, so some context.”
“My wife is a house wife and is charge of all the chores since I usually leave around 7 in the morning and return at around 7 in the afternoon as I work long hours as thats simply the nature of having your own firm and the commute is a hour both ways.”
‘So recently my wife wanted to try out her English degree to use and try and publish a book which thought she was just doing as something to pass the time.”
“So, over the past few weeks chores like the dishes and dusting haven’t been getting done and started pilling up, so I decided to talk to her about it and she told me that I have to start doing some of the chores too as she is working too now.”
“I told her that thats not a job and and just a hobby until she starts making money and tried to tell her that we agreed that she takes care of the house while i make the money.”
“She got mad at me about this and claimed I was belittling her.”
“I tried to defend myself by explaining I’m not mocking her but thats just a matter of the fact that her writing doesn’t make any money meaning it’s not a real job and just something she does for her own enjoyment for the time being.”
“After some back and forth she got even more mad at me and has decided to go sleep in the guest room for the time being and is in general a bit annoyed with me but has started to take care of the chores.”
“For full transparency we do have a 7 year old daughter together but she goes to school at around 7:35 in the morning and comes back almost 5pm in the evening after her extra circulars, so my wife only watches her for about 2 hours without me each day which is why I refer to her as a stay at home wife and not mom.”
“So AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on whether or not the OP was an a**hole for telling his wife that writing her novel was a hobby, not a job.
Some agreed that the OP was right in that her novel wasn’t making her money, and thus didn’t take priority over making sure the household chores were getting done, even if many agreed that he could have handled the situation with more delicacy.
“NTA.”
“Up and coming writers don’t quit their day job until after their first book is published.”
“Right now her day job is to handle the house chores.”- -Nightopian-
“NTA.”
“If OP was a house husband telling his wife that he wanted to be a streamer by playing video games and expected his working wife to pick up the chores y’all would be jumping at his throat.”
“The child is out of the house for 10 whole hours.”
“After cleaning ,which takes at most a couple of hours, the wife has more than 5 hours free to do as she pleases.”
“As a partner she cannot expect her husband to shoulder 100% of the economical responsibilities and 50% of the household responsibilities.”
“If she wants to not clean she can use the money she makes from writing to pay for a cleaner.”
“Oh wait.”
“The point of all this is not that she is not allowed to write.”
“It is her right to pursue her dream.”
“What is not right is to expect others to compromise in her place, when she is the one that should compromise.”
“Writers didn’t start their career by doing nothing all day, having all their expenses handled by others.”
“Either she finds a part time job to pay for a cleaner that cleans in her stead, a full time job so the husband can cut his work hours short and handle the chores as well or enjoy the great privilege that she has.”
“Doing a couple of hours of chores, having the kid at school most of the day and not having to worry about money.”
“She has all the time she needs to start writing.”- Still_Command5702
“NTA.”
“Although you could have handled it better by saying the two of you would look at it again if/when she starts making money from it.”
“Unless you have a massive house or you have young children then she ought to be able to find time for the writing as well as looking after the house.”- Yikes44
“NTA….overall NTA.”
“But you could have worded things differently.”
“Your wife wants to make this her career, (just because she is currently not making money does not mean it is a hobby only), but writing a book and getting published takes years.”
“She decided on her own, without discussing with you, what the changes would be in your household for her to do this.”
“Are there children involved?”
“If there are no children, how much housework can there be that she could not do it in about an hour?”
“You are gone for 12 hours daily, with two of those commuting, which alone is a lot on a person.”
“If children involved, that is another situation.”
“What you two need to do is sit down and discuss how you both can manage the household and make her dream a reality.”- Worth-Season3645
Others, however, felt the OP was being incredibly insensitive to his wife, ignoring that she clearly seemed to want something more in her life other than household chores, and could have at least spoken to her with more delicacy and sympathy, if not reach a compromise.
“You’re not wrong, but you are the a**hole.”
“Your wife is insanely unfulfilled.”
“She’s a college educated adult that’s been relegated to being a live-in maid.”
“She’s bored and was probably floundering until she found something that makes her happy, something that makes her feel useful and productive.”
“Human beings do not like to be bored.”
“Your wife found something that made her happy, and instead of recognizing a shift in your lives and trying to renegotiate to make you both happy, you decided to belittle your wife and sh*t all over her newfound sense of purpose.”
“You describe the more difficult parts of your career – long hours, long commute – as ‘just the nature of owning your own firm’.”
“Guess what my dude, renegotiating responsibilities as life changes is part of the nature of having a life partner.”
“Sacking up and maybe taking a little more of the responsibility at home instead of dumping it all on your wife who is trying to find her purpose in life besides being your personal maid and probably some semblance of happiness and sense of productivity is just the nature of having a partner.”
“You could have renegotiated like your wife asked you to, instead you basically told the person you love that they don’t get to try to find their way in life unless your laundry is done, and sh*t on her passions on the way out.”
“You’re not wrong that your wife agreed to do those chores and it wasn’t right of her to upend that agreement without renegotiating with you first, but she then tried to and you shut it down, so I’m not surprised she didn’t.”
“This is AITA not am I wrong, so sorry op, YTA.”- FelineRoots21
Others found that both the OP and his wife both could have worked a little harder to find a middle ground that pleased them both.
“ESH?”
“I think she should be doing (nearly) all of the chores still.”
“But you really could’ve worded everything better.”
“Complaining about dusting also seems a little… picky.”
“Yes, it is basically ‘her job’, but you are not her boss.”
“And you really didn’t take her serious!”
“You wrote here yourself that you see it as a pass time.”
“Show a bit more respect and support to your wife.”
“It literally would cost you neither money nor time.”- CakeEatingRabbit
As the housework was the responsibility the OP’s wife agreed to be in charge of, it wasn’t entirely fair that she let them fall completely to the side.
That being said, the OP seemed to miss entirely that his wife was looking for a bit more of a life outside of the house, and could have definitely handled things with a little more sympathy.
Here’s hoping they both eventually come to a solution that makes them both happy.