Redditor UtahSky57 is a 36-year-old female married to her 42-year-old husband of two years.
They both have a teenage son from their previous relationships.
When it comes to finances, she is the provider for the family and sets money aside for special occasions like her son’s upcoming birthday party.
Recently, an incident resulted in a major blowout between her and her husband, and after proposing an ultimatum, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for demanding that my husband pay back the money he took from my son’s birthday savings to spend on his son’s birthday party?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“IÂ have a son (14) from my previous relationship. I’ve been married to Michael for 2 years. He also has a son (16) from his previous relationship with.”
“We’re not wealthy, and right now I’m the one earning money to provide for the family. I have a strategy which consists of saving money to get ready for any ocassion like a birthday or a trip.”
“For my son’s 15th birthday which will be in July 19th, I’ve saved money to be able to throw him the celebration he always wanted (pay for decoration, cake, gift, food etc…).”
“My stepson’s 16th birthday was last week. My husband doesn’t share finances with me and when he used to have a job he’d pay for all his son’s needs.”
“Now I’ve picked up the slack but there’s only so much I can do with the salary I have.”
“My husband talked about wanting to throw his son the ‘perfect birthday celebration’ but didn’t know where to come up with the money to pay for it. He asked to use my son’s birthday savings and promised to pay me back in time but I refused for the sole reason of him being unable to make money.”
“He hinted about how I treat my stepson as less then etc etc.”
“The party took place at a restaurant (expensive one at that) and when I asked my husband about the money he said he borrowed it from a friend. I later found out that he’d actually used my son’s birthday savings, all of them.”
“I was dumbfounded by this. My reaction was to blow on him and have a big argument.”
“In his defense he said he was desperate and that I can’t blame him for wanting to make his son happy. I called him selfish, told him these saving were supposed to go towards my son’s birthday then I demanded that he pay everything back.”
“He didn’t say anything. Went out and got back and kept in about how he was just trying to make his son happy and how I should be understanding that as a parent, as a father it’s his job.”
“He then said if I really care about his son the way I say I do then I’ll stop asking for the money.”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole here.
“NTA- You don’t share finances so not only did he steal, but he lied as well. He says you are playing favorites, but he stole from your child to please his.”
“I’d reconsider the relationship especially since he has no way of paying it back.” – Mental-Phone-572
“TOTAL deadbeat a**hole! By his filthy thieving logic, his son deserves an awesome party (beyond HIS means), at the expense of OP’s son, who apparently deserves NADA for his birthday, even though OP responsibly and literally had a savings plan to be able to give her son a nice celebration.”
“OP, NTA. But the husband is, quite frankly, 💩.”
“Edited to say: And I’d personally demand that he pay back the money immediately. Don’t care if he needs to borrow from family or actually from his little friends, but pay it back now! That’s the hill I’m gonna die on.” – tangerinedreamery
“Stealing from children is a huge no-no. I remember being angry when my deadbeat uncle somehow didn’t have enough money (despite not having to pay rent, electricity, WiFi, or water because my family was footing the bill, but ostensibly having a job) to pay for a doctor’s visit and asked my mom to lend him money.”
“She didn’t have the cash on her, so she asked my sister to borrow money from my sister’s stash of graduation cash and then gave it to my uncle. My mom of course repaid my sister as soon as she visited the ATM, and my uncle (shockingly) repaid my mom, but I was furious over the whole thing and my mom just couldn’t fathom why.”
“If that’s how I felt over a lazy AH begging money off his overly generous family, then I can only imagine OP’s ire in this situation.” – jayclaw97
“I guess the question here is how did he get the money? Is his name on the account as well as OPs? I don’t think it’s considered theft if his name is on the account.”
“If it’s not an account and it’s in a shoe box under the bed or hidden between the pages of a book or whatnot, then I think you run into the ‘married’ thing. All this to say I don’t think the police will get involved.”
“NTA OP, and your husband’s insistence on saying that if you love his son the way you claim you wouldn’t be asking for the money back just shows you that he doesn’t plan to pay it back. This is a huge breach of trust, and I think you need to do some deep thinking about where you go from here as a couple and as an individual.”
“I wish you best of luck!” – Equivalent-Record-61
“Yes!!! FILE a police report. This was theft and if he was willing to steal from your son to show favoritism to HIS (and seemingly has zero remorse for it) I think we both know this doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship anyhow.” – Puzzled-Passion7255
“She can’t collect anything at all from her husband because he has nothing to pay — Blood from a stone, and all of that. And if she has ever given him permission to use a card of hers and he used that to pay for the party, it’s not going to be seen as theft.”
“You assume the responsibility for this sort of thing if you give the card to someone else to use.”
“If she never gave him the card, her best chance to get recompense would be to dispute the payment with her bank / Credit Union, but considering the person who made the payment is her spouse, the Financial Institution will not just take her word for it and will want her to file charges in order to process this as a dispute.”
“In that sense, filing a police report could help her get reimbursed by her FI by submitting a dispute on the payment in question.”
“All that said, it’s very unlikely to work. It’s hard to get reimbursed for fraud spending by immediate family who live with you – and harder still when it’s a spouse. Lots of people make terrible choices with the security of their finances and cards and then want to claim a dispute when that recklessness hurts them, but it’s hard to do.”
“OP is NTA, and her Husband is a total a**hole – but her avenue for recompense is… really really narrow here. And any attempt to get recompense would require charging her husband.” – Mantisfactory
“He stole money from you. Money that he knew was for your son’s happiness.”
“He stole from your child to give to his child. He is not good. NTA.” – plfntoo
“Exactly. He basically said F OP’s kid. Let him be devastated while his kid is happy. He is selfish, a thief and untrustworthy.”
“He didn’t even just steal SOME of the money to give his kid a bday celebration. That would still be wrong, but I think most people would understand the logic behind it.”
“He took ALL of the money and chose to flex for his kid’s bday. He showed off for his kid, knowing that OP wouldn’t be able to do anything for her son.” – Electrical-Date-3951
“This man”
•”doesn’t have ANY job and therefore contributes nothing financially to the house, or to any children in the house”
•”stole your money that was earmarked for your child”
•”lied to you about it”
•”is trying to guilt trip you about using it”
“NTA. This is financial abuse. You will be T A if you stay with this man and allow him to keep using you and your family.”
“Why are you with someone who would abuse you and your children financially?? He WILL do this again, if he hasn’t already.”
“Lock down all your finances so he cannot touch them. Get a lawyer. Demand a judge tell him to pay you back.” – Melmoth_Milton
Overall, Redditors had no problem saying the husband literally stole money that did not belong to him, and they encouraged the OP to seek legal action and/or leave him for fear he may commit the same offense again in the future.