Parenting can be tough on a marriage.
For Redditor Creative-Decision675, he approaches parenting from a much more relaxed perspective than his wife.
The Original Poster (OP) recently told his wife to “lower her standards” in regards to how she parents, causing an argument to break out.
This drove him to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
He asked:
“AITA for suggesting my wife lower her standards so that she’ll be less overwhelmed?”
He went on to explain.
“My wife [37-year-old female] and I [38-year-old male] have 3 kids, 12, 10, and 8. She is in a constant state of overwhelm and very easily irritated, constantly complaining how it’s all too much.”
“I’m of course happy to help and do my fair share for the kids or household, but it’s never enough because her standards are too d*mn high.”
“She insists one of us has to be up at 6:45 every morning to make sure the kids are ready and make the bus which comes at 7:45. I told her they’re old enough to not need that much help already.”
“They can all dress themselves and pour themselves cereal and milk, there’s no reason we have to be up.”
“She says that cereal isn’t a good enough breakfast, they need something more substantial, especially the 12 year old…”
“…and that the 10 year old has adhd and will definitely struggle without help in the morning and anyway she wants to see them off and kiss them goodbye for the day.”
“So she gets up, I don’t, then she gets upset that I never give her a morning off when all she needs to do is just take the morning off when she wants and let the kids handle themselves.”
“Also she is super strict about screen time during the week and is exhausted and snappy from arguing about it with the kids and upset I don’t support her strict limit of 2 hours a day.”
“I say as long as homework is done, why not until bed.”
“She says it’s not healthy for them, they need to play outside or with games and toys, read some books, just entertain themselves in more ways than 1.”
“I agree they should enjoy other things but not seeing why we have to make such a rigid limit.”
“She also likes to get out on weekends and do stuff like zoos, museums etc, but then complains about the planning for the outing and how grouchy the youngest gets by the end of it…”
“…and again, I say let’s just chill at home and voila, you’ve cut the work!”
“I’m an engaged and active parent, I’m not trying to get out of it, but I don’t think I should have to help my wife dig herself out of her own self created holes.”
“She creates the stress for herself and then turns to me to alleviate it which I think is unfair.”
“AITA for telling her she needs to do less and then she won’t need this level of help?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“YTA. Your wife’s standards are just…being a decent parent, and you are not doing your ‘fair share’ if you aren’t helping with these things you consider ‘unnecessary’.”
“An 8 year old and a ten year old with ADHD are not ready to totally get themselves ready in the morning, and you’d know that if you didn’t sleep through the morning routine every day.”
“Two hours of screen time a day is a totally reasonable boundary. And family time and enriching activities are also important.”
“Maybe those can be cut down slightly, but ‘just chill at home’ all the time isn’t the answer either. Stop being lazy and become an actually engaged parent like your wife is.” – Outrageously_Penguin
“I’m an engaged and active parent..”
“You don’t sound like it. There are things a parent has to do for children in the mornings- your youngest is eight.”
“Cereal is nothing but sugar, a lot of moms don’t want their kids to eat that every day. Two hours of screen time is generous, not strict. You sound rather checked out. YTA” – Traveler691
“This is how this reads: ‘My wife is a hands-on, active parent who wants our children to have well-balanced meals, minimal screen time, and fun and stimulating outings…’”
“‘…and that’s too much work for me, I’d prefer my kids eat whatever they can find in the kitchen without bothering me, that we stay home and do nothing…’”
“‘…and the kids play on their devices and watch TV in their spare time’. No wonder she’s stressed.”
“She sounds like a great parent, and you come off sounding lazy and disinterested in parenting your own kids. YTA.” – theworldisonfire8377
“YTA , help her out. Kids require a lot of work that you signed up for when you decided to have kids. Her ‘high standards’ are literally bare minimum.”
“Every morning she is setting them up for success with no help from you which is why she’s so overwhelmed.”
“Getting three kids ready in the mornings and making sure they are well fed before sending them off to school is such a blessing.”
“The screen time is so reasonable and good that she is encouraging them to be outside and have more of a child hood.”
“Sounds like you want them to be tablet kids to get them off your back a little more. Give her a thank you and some appreciation because she is picking up your slack.”
“Treat her more for doing so much & become a better parent and partner before its too late” – sadmoonshark
“YTA. Your wife is essentially trying to enact boundaries and maintain a routine for 3 kids, while you are not backing her up.”
“It has to be monumentally frustrating for her to manage 3 middle/elementary school age kids on her own.”
“A lot of that stress is probably because she IS asking you to help, and because you don’t see why you should have to do these things, then she’s stuck organizing and corralling the kids by herself.”
“She probably wants to take the kids to the museum because it’s fun for the kids, and you’re doing that non-committal ‘I don’t see why we have to do this so I don’t want to do it’…”
“…so then it’s all about YOU and not about the kids at all. It’s majorly invalidating her feelings and her position as a parent.”
“What are you doing right now, in terms of helping the kids, that makes you an active and engaged parent?”
“While I read this post, I could just see the situation in my head…”
“…your wife doing all the work, and then when the kids complain, letting her be the bad cop all the time while you sit on the couch and say ‘it’s fine, honey! just let them do it’…”
“…and she probably wants to go in the next room and cry. Major YTA.” – maptechlady
“YTA”
“What exactly is your definition of an ‘engaged parent’?”
“Because what I’m seeing here is you think it’s unreasonable to cook elementary and middle school aged children a decent breakfast and spend time with them so they don’t rot their brain with phones and iPads.” – AgnarCrackenhammer
“YTA I was expecting some wako/Marie Kondo request but making breakfast for the kids, limit 2 hours of screen time a day and do some family activity…”
“I am wondering what is at this point your concept of engaged parent? ‘Here you go watch your tablet’?” – KikiMadeCrazy
“YTA. Her rules and actions seem sensible. Three young kids getting up and getting themselves to school on their own sounds like a zoo.”
“And morning is a great time to have fun and productive parenting interactions.”
“Two hours of screen time is plenty, and it should not be permitted to displace other activities with strong positives such as reading and free play.”
“You should be supporting her.” – AdAdministrative9341
“‘her standards are too d*mn high.’”
“Okay let’s review that.”
“‘She insists one of us has to be up at 6:45 every morning to make sure the kids are ready and make the bus which comes at 7:45.’”
“Okay, that’s normal. 1 hour to be ready is the normal amount of time you need without being in a rush. Plus, 6:45 is not that early either.”
“‘I told her they’re old enough to not need that much help already.’”
“8 and 10 are not in middle school yet.”
“‘She says that cereal isn’t a good enough breakfast, they need something more substantial, especially the 12 year old’”
“She’s right. Cereals are basically 90% sugar. And 12 is entering teenager years.”
“‘and that the 10 year old has adhd and will definitely struggle without help in the morning’”
“Also right. Do you know your kid?”
“‘and anyway she wants to see them off and kiss them goodbye for the day.’”
“Also right. My parents were doing the same even in high school when I was getting up at 6. It’s good memories and a good communicating moment. In summary: being an active parent.”
“‘So she gets up, I don’t’”
“Oh? I thought you were a good parent? At which hour do you get up? Do you help a little?”
“‘then she gets upset that I never give her a morning off’”
“Never apparently.”
“‘when all she needs to do is just take the morning off when she wants and let the kids handle themselves.’”
“Ah yes. Dump the kid, stop being a parent. Great idea! And who will get up if everything turns into a mess?”
“‘Also she is super strict about screen time during the week and is exhausted and snappy from arguing about it with the kids and upset i don’t support her strict limit of 2 hours a day.’”
“2 hours a day for kids is f*cking generous! It helps them to learn boundaries and healthy occupations out of screen.”
“And what do you mean you don’t back her up? You didn’t talk about it with her? I thought you were an active parent.”
“‘I say as long as homework is done, why not until bed.’”
“Because it’s dumb and unhealthy.”
“‘She says it’s not healthy for them, they need to play outside or with games and toys, read some books, just entertain themselves in more ways than 1.’”
“She’s true. What is your answer?”
“‘I agree they should enjoy other things but not seeing why we have to make such a rigid limit.’”
“Because they are kids with no control.”
“‘She also likes to get out on weekends and do stuff like zoos, museums etc,’”
“Aww! What a cool mom! She educated her childs in more than one way!”
“‘but then complains about the planning for the outing and how grouchy the youngest gets by the end of it’”
“Dude… where are you during all this time?!”
“‘and again, I say let’s just chill at home and voila, you’ve cut the work!’”
“Here’s my answer: being a leech at home.”
“‘I’m an engaged and active parent’”
“No you’re not.”
“‘I’m not trying to get out of it’”
“You’re not trying, you’re doing it.”
“‘but I don’t think I should have to help my wife dig herself out of her own self created holes. She creates the stress for herself and then turns to me to alleviate it which I think is unfair.’”
“Dude. Being a parent isn’t just providing foods and toys to the kids and be sure they don’t endanger themselves. This is called emotional neglect.”
“Your wife is a normal active parent exhausted to have to deal with 3 kids under 13, with one having adhd and an husband being lazy.”
“You litterally do nothing for the kids. You threw cereals and screentime at them and you call it a day. This is not being a parent. It’s not even being a pet owner. A plant owner maybe.”
“Kids are not tamagochi. YTA” – Lou_Miss
Hopefully the OP’s wife will soon get the support she needs from her husband and not just a Reddit thread.