The job title "influencer" is a byproduct of the age of the internet and social media.
People from Gen-X and older may not understand or approve of such a career, but they should recognize Gen-X is the last generation to have lived without the internet, social media, reality TV and cellphones.
Millennials and younger have watched families like the Kardashians create empires out of nothing but a sex tape and being followed by cameras for decades. Then they watched random individuals like the Paul brothers and D'Amelio sisters turn their dubious talents into millions of dollars.
Multiple makeup artists and performers have turned their artistry into money making ventures through social media. Parenting tips, cooking, crafting, home improvement... there's a viral star monetizing nearly every aspect of life somewhere online.
As a result, chasing viral fame through posting every aspect of life has become the new get rich quick scheme for many people.
But what happens when not everyone in a family is on board with having their life broadcast online?
This was the dilemma a father faced when his wife decided to use their young children in her quest for online fame. After clashing on the issue, he turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Throwrasutwy asked:
"AITA for telling my wife I don't care about her dreams?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife wants to be an influencer on TikTok and YouTube. She has been creating mommy content and content about her day to day life."
"When she told me this is something she wanted to do I didn't have a problem with I only said that I don't want our children (4 years-old, male; 2 years-old, female) in ANY of her content. I didn't monitor her channel because it didn't really seem necessary."
"I recently watched her channel because I thought it be cute so see what she does in her day to day life. I found our childrens' faces in almost all of her content.
"I told her straight up she needs to remove all of her content. She said that she knew I wouldn't agree but she doesn't think this is a big deal.
"I don't like children in content. I feel like a lot of the time when you see that, children make a profit so they become less your kids and more of a product and your interactions become more performative."
"I can see the same thing has happened in her because she posted a video of her getting our 2-year-old out of a tantrum and how she deals with it. But how is your first instinct to record and hold a camera whilst our baby is crying?"
"My wife started crying saying she built this up and this is her dream and deleting her content will ruin it. I said 'I simply don't give a f'k, if you don't delete it I will consider a divorce'."
"I know a lot of people have children on their social media and I don't mind an Instagram or Facebook post, but to make videos seems too intimate to share."
"She told her friends and even hinted on her social media accounts that she has an over-controlling and narcissistic husband that doesn't want her on social media. I am currently being ridiculed by her friends."
"Am I being over controlling or narcissistic?"
The OP added:
"Someone asked what kind of content."
"The content isn't really harmful just her feeding them and playing with them but the 2 types of videos I have problems with is her recording our childrens' tantrums and our 2-year-old still doesn't like clothes."
"We are trying to get her to wear them more but our house can be hot so she is in a diaper a lot. I don't like the videos of our daughter in just her diaper."
"It really wasn't a sole decision—we actually came to that conclusion together. I don't know what made her change her mind about showing their faces."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Redditors were completely unanimous in declaring OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA—people who make profits from their kid's misery are the AHs here, and it seems like your wife is more interested in being a TikTok celebrity than being a caring wife and mother."
"No one should ever be shilling out their kids for likes and imaginary internet points." ~ 7hr0wn
Many Redditors shared the OPs concern for his children.
"There's going to be a whole generation of traumatized adults who had the entirety of their lives exploited by their parents on the internet for profit. It needs to be illegal." ~ Heavy_Sand5228
"Honestly, I fully expect there to be lawsuits on this topic in the next few years, of kids who have serious mental health issues as a result of their parents doing this sh*t. And I hope [exploiting kids] dies the painful death it deserves." ~ Thuis001
"There have been! There was a couple that divorced and the dad took her to court to stop her from using their kids image for profit."
"And I believe one of the family vlogs that kept adopting kids was finally sued by one of their oldest." ~ Poku115
"Either that or there will be lawsuits by the kids saying hey, you don't get to use me as an unpaid actor and I want a cut of the profits. I hope some of those are successful." ~ allorache
"Reminds me of all the old-Hollywood horror stories about how they treated child actors like Judy Garland. We have apparently learned nothing since then." ~ anacrusisnt
"I think parents doing this, deliberately being intrusive and posting day to day life of their kids for the world to see, feels abusive to me."
"They can't consent. They don't understand."
"All for money." ~ Lord-Taurus
"I had a close friend who is an influencer. She posts her kids on the daily as content."
"But she shares insanely intimate things about their lives and her husband. I'm not close with her anymore for this reason."
"I find it incredibly pathetic and exploitative to make content off of the people's lives you're meant to love and protect."
"I stopped posting my kid in 2021. And have had another since. I just feel like this world is full of sickos and I don't trust any platform to keep my data safe." ~ Sc3niXl
"The internet age is just catching up to the trail blazed by film and TV. It's just more accessible to anyone having delusions of fame and willing to sacrifice their own children for it. I'm not surprised." ~ letstrythisagain30
"Especially since Jackie Coogan [child entertainment labor] law protections don't cover this type of content so she can take the money her kids earn for her and not keep it for them." ~ Prudent_Plan_6451
People had strong feelings about a parent using their children for content without the other parent's consent.
"NTA monetizing children is f'king gross. you can have a successful mommy channel without exploiting those you are meant to protect and claim to love." ~ Cultural_Section_862
"And honestly, the bigger problem is the trust thing. She agreed to something, to your face, then just turned around and did whatever she wanted because she knew you wouldn't agree."
"Stuff like kids' visibility online is an important joint parenting decision, and it's super concerning that she just completely ignored that. It's disrespectful of you as a partner." ~ sarita_sy07
"She has shown you that she values OTHER PEOPLE'S comments about parenting over her husband's. They aren't HER kids, they belong to BOTH of you, and when those kids cannot consent to being in these videos, then a CONSENSUS must be reached."
"She AGREED to your demand that the kids not appear in the videos and then disregarded that and did it anyway. She obviously doesn't value you as a father, as a husband, or as a person."
"She chose to EXPLOIT your children, plain and simple, at your expense and at theirs. She sees your children as accessories to her narcissism and nothing more and has no thought about how their entire childhood being shared with every random stranger on the internet is going to effect them when they get older."
"On top of that, if she's bad-mouthing you on the internet, where does that lead? What else is she saying, and to whom? Are there other exaggerations or falsehoods that she's posting that could negatively impact you?"
"Are these defamations just part of her 'narrative' to put herself in a good light? So then, ask yourself, is she staging things with the kids, putting them in manufactured situations for a video? How could this escalate or put the kids in any danger?"
"She said you're stifling her 'dream.' I would have thought the dream was to have kids, not to exploit them for self-gain." ~ michaelmoby
"A business model that is built on exploiting your own kids is both ethically dodgy now and building problems for your future relationship with your kids."
"That dream sounds more like a nightmare."
"If she's going to conduct her arguments with you via her social media, then she's told you just about everything you need to know."
"I'm pretty sure YouTube removes content with kids if they're told it's without parental consent. NTA." ~ peonyhen
People provided valid reasons for keeping young children off social media.
"Absolutely NTA. Children are taken advantage of all the time by TikTok and influencers."
"Kids have no idea what social media is. They can't consent to being online forever."
"It's been proven that videos with kids get watched and saved more. Especially when they are in revealing clothing."
"Protect your kids." ~ Keenzur
"There's a woman I come across on TikTok sometimes who does the work of explaining why 'mommy' content with kids gets so many more saves/likes/downloads than 'mommy' content without kids in it...and it's exactly for all the worst reasons you can think of. Even for kids as young as 2."
"I'm so sorry, OP, but maybe you could find some more research out there to scare her out of it. Your kids' safety and well-being is way more important than her dreams of being a YouTube star." ~ here_pretty_kitty
Hopefully this family can remain intact.
But as the OP stated in a comment on his post, his children's safety and happiness will always come first.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp